Bomb dropped on me last week

[adinva]

(((Jeff))) - a hug for you in this difficult time. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I wanted to give you some of the DB perspective on the things you wrote, and others will chime in with more advice to help you get the ground back under your feet and start moving forward.

Wow... I don't even know where or how to start. First, I'm new here. I've been with my wife for about 23 years; married for 16. We have 3 daughters: 13, 10, 6. 15/16 years were perfect. We had the ideal marriage. Then, last year, I went through a period of depression, which I am finally pretty much through.

Since you're going to counseling, you should find out if the 15 years were as perfect as you think. Her reality may be completely different and the past year could be the straw that broke the camel's back. Take what you learn with a grain of salt, since WAS often rewrite history to justify what they're doing, but listen hard for the parts that ring true. Because to know what you're up against you need to listen to her viewpoint, you can't decide it was the depression alone, if it really wasn't.

The depression started in June. I denied I was depressed for months. We started a business together in August. Actually, she was already in business and I quit my job to work with her. It did not get off to a good start and we finally ended it when we separated last month. I neglected some of my responsibilities - even more so in her eyes.

That's a pretty big thing to 180. What are you doing to repair your work ethic in your own eyes and possibly hers? Were you being treated for your depression? If so, then why did you continue to neglect your work?

Anyway, during the period beginning last June, my personality completely changed. I lost my self confidence. I started not trusting my wife. I became angry and possessive. We argued every couple weeks about many things, but mainly because of work concerns of mine. She started to withdraw, which of course made things worse for me - made me more possessive, more suspicious, angrier. I pushed and pushed.

She got more and more freaked out - didn't trust me at all. She knows I lied to her a couple times (I have never lied to her before). She feels I am controlling, manipulative, and she resents me for coming into her business and not holding up my end of things. All of this stuff is so uncharacteristic of me, normally.

Do you feel like you have your personality back now? How much have you listened to the pain she felt living with someone like that? How long do you think she would need to see you act completely different before she would ever believe this won't happen again? This will take a long time, so take a deep breath and start making changes in yourself. Consistency + Time (lots of it) = Change she can believe in.

The depression angle sounds like a convenient excuse - it wasn't your fault, it was the depression, and now it's cured so she should take you back.... She is probably not buying it. She's just going to need to see you very very consistently better for a very very long time. It may not even reconcile you two, but you need to do it for you too. Doing it for you is really the main point right now.

She also was freaking out because of our horrendous student loans. I didn't really have a plan for repaying mine - which needs to begin soon.

Did this also happen in the last year? I suspect your marital problems really might have gone back farther than last June. Being completely honest and vulnerable will help you face the reality of your sitch and deal with it. There's no downside.

Mid March, she told me she wanted me out of the house. So I left. I have no job and no prospects as of yet.

Do you have any concerns about the appearance of abandonment? In most cases people here advice you do not leave the house, and they may suggest you try to move back in to separate bedrooms. Who's taking care of the kids? Is it in the kids' best interest for you to live elsewhere?

Also, if you have no job that's got to change. What can you do while you're looking for prospects? What can you do outside your field to bring in some money? Is there any chance to do newspaper delivery, work in a restaurant, write articles for publication? Start an informative blog in your area of law? Are there any people in your area who need some pro bono representation? Can you volunteer some of your time while you're networking to get a job?

What are you doing to be productive with your time while you're not working, and can you make a plan to pay down your student loans by $5 a month, just on the principle that you owe money you should be paying back?

We went to a counselor last Wednesday. When asked why we were there, she said her mind was made up to leave and she wanted to ease the pain for me and maybe work on communication for post divorce. She didn't just say she wanted a divorce once, either. She said she couldn't take any more of this. The counselor asked her about that, and she said that she would be open to trying to reconcile at some point in the future, after filing or after divorce.

That sounds somewhat encouraging. Most WAS seem to use counseling as a "box to check" that they did everything they could. Right now your job is to find out what really went wrong in your M and start working on the issues with yourself that you need to correct whether she comes back or not. What did SHE need that she wasn't getting? This should not be about your needs and how much you want her back. Right now she sees NOT being with you as in her best interest. Listen to that, accept it, understand it, and you'll at least not be pushing her away or forcing her to cement and justify it.

I told her that if she filed, that would permanently end things between us.

Do you really feel that way? Watch out for ultimatums. And things that may seem like a point of no return have a way of changing when the point comes. (Maybe she thought if you lied to her that would permanently end things between you.)

She is particularly afraid I will come to where she works (courthouse) and make a scene in front of people she works with. She is very image and reputation conscious (we are both attorneys).

All you can do about that is start TODAY being someone who would do no such thing. Show love, compassion, understanding, and give her the space she is asking for. Follow Sandi's 37 rules, take care of you, improve yourself, focus on your issues, and be the man only a fool would leave. Be that for a very long time until it is true.

Anyway, the depression started tapering off in February, I would say it is mostly gone now. She does not believe it though. Throughout the depression arguments, she would tell me she couldn't handle any more of it, but she always relented. I have made some 180's from when I was depressed, but I still need to do more.

You cannot TELL her you're better, you have to be better for such a long time that she believes it.

She hasn't filed yet. Unfortunately, we have another counselor meeting this Wednesday. If she actually files, it will probably be the day after, or sometime this week.

Some divorces are filed and never completed. Some divorces go all the way through and then the couple reconciles later. Don't throw blocks in your own way by setting rules about if she does this then it's over. She's been in a tremendous amount of pain to be doing this. You have work to do on yourself no matter what. Try to ignore/accept/understand that she wants out of your marriage, much as it hurts. You can't talk her into wanting to stay. Show.....over time.....

Things I have going for me: she has LOVED me since we met; she adored me until this past year. We never argued, always got along perfectly.

Never arguing is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Usually it means conflict avoidance.

Our values are almost identical: we are loving, we are loyal, and we have always said that no matter what, we would never divorce. Our sex life is amazing, I think she would agree with that. She practices in the area of family law so she knows how devastating divorce can be - both to the parties and to their children. I can't believe she would put our kids through that without thinking things over carefully.

Understand that she did, then, think it over carefully. Understand that she has been in tremendous pain, possibly for much longer than you realize, and understand how much she may feel your values no longer overlap. You've got to work on you.

At the next counselor meeting I am going to do a couple more 180's that may shake her resolve to file for divorce quickly. First, I am going to confess to lying to her. I have mostly denied it up to this point.

Is this about her needs or your need for absolution? Why not go in with a plan to listen to her and hear what she thought went wrong? You already mentioned that she already knows you lied. Just don't lie anymore.

Maybe if I start respecting myself more she will be able to start respecting me again? Thoughts?

It's the only way she might, but even if she didn't, would there be any reason you shouldn't try to respect yourself?

Second, she believes that if she files, I will move several states away to start completely over, and will never ever consider reconciliation. Truthfully, I used to think the same thing - we talked about it from time to time as friends and acquaintances went through divorce. After thinking about it now though, as I am actually confronted with it, there is no way I would move away from my daughters. I would never move away from her either. I feel like if I tell her this, I might relieve some pressure?

I don't see the point in going there right now. Just go and listen and find out what clues she can give about the things you need to learn from this.

Additionally,I am going to tell her there is no way I can rule out reconciling with her at any point in the future - divorce filing, divorce, or no divorce. I am thinking about telling her to do what she feels in her heart she needs to do and I will accept it - that I want to stay with her but I won't do it through lying or through attempting to force her, anymore.

Words about what you will or won't do don't mean much right now. Listen.

Should I also tell her that I understand how she is feeling and might even do it myself in her position? I created this mess and I feel like I need to show her I accept full responsibility, even if I don't like the outcome. This is a huge 180 for me, but its true and I don't control what she does, anyway. Is it going too far? Maybe actually saying it will open her eyes to the fact that I really have changed?

Yes, if you can say things that validate that you really really heard her, regret what happened, and want to change no matter what, no matter whether it brings her back or not, she may not feel like you're trying to manipulate her with your words. She may feel heard.

Take care of you, follow the 37 rules, and don't beat yourself up too much. Go from this day forward, and be better, for you.