T, ok, major props to you for rubbing his butt! LOL!
And I know how hurtful it is to know that he is going away with her and I am sorry.
I also know how tiring this can be. I used to look at him going away as a reprieve from having him and his nonsense in my face.
I know you can see that he is not happy. Between his physical health and his state of confusion, I think he has no idea what he needs to do to be happy. And so, he is continuing in this vein because I honestly dont think he is up to doing anything different right now.
I am very tired of just waiting for this A to end.
And I can see how they can maintain it, by going away and spending quality time together having fun without a worry in the world. Must be nice.
I don't know. Almost 16 months post bomb, and I'm feeling a bit weary.
I just started re-reading 5LL. In it Chapman claims that the Limerence period of feeling "in love" typically lasts for 2 years on average. Longer if it's a secret A!
Hmmm. Makes me wonder how long I would allow my W's affair to remain a complete secret.
The fact that your H is comfortable at home is good. It tells me that he really doesn't want to lose you. He certainly wants to have your cake and eat hers too, but I bet even he realizes you are the prize. This means you are not totally powerless here. None of us ever are.
Oh, and regarding the butt incident... I don't know how you resisted really spanking him and making him holler! (at least once, haha)
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Well TVS you are a better woman than me if you rubbed his butt. I would barely be able to keep a civil tongue. Last summer H was soaking in the pool with the kids and asked me to towel him off and kinda gave me a look. Ugh. No thanks.
Hang in there TVS. I wish there was a vaccine for this MLC stuff. Jeez
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
The conventional wisdom is that affairs usually last around two years. BUT I believe MLC affairs have their own qualities , and my xh's affair lasted 6 years, on and off. Long after he even pretended that he loved her. i think if they have wrecked their marriage, and alienated their kids, they hang on harder to the affair. So it is a fine line between letting them cake eat and pushing them out.
I had a mean and angry spewer, but looking back i wonder if I could have handled it more graciously. I suspect the more alienated they are the harder it is for them to reach out.
"Normal" affairs generally last between 18-24 months. MLC affairs will last as long as the "buddies" get along and they can suck the life out of each other getting their mlcing needs met.
Please keep in mind that mlcer is acting out as a teenager and doesn't recognize real love in the mlc affair. They may "like" the op, but to say that they love them...maybe in their own way, but it's not the same as what they may have had w/you. The op is nothing more than someone to distract them from their pain and self evaluation, someone to party and pal around w/ and yes, a f@@k buddy. Nothing more. If they should happen to marry the op, it's not a marriage based on honesty but on lies and we all know what a house built on sand will do..tumble. They can never trust each other because they already know what they've done to their former spouses.
I can honestly say that the relationship that my xh and his wife (former ow) shared is nothing more than buddies. Everyone that I have spoken to has confirmed this for me. Even while she's dealing w/her cancer situation, he's out doing his own thing and leaving her alone to deal w/her cancer. When asked how she's doing, he responds as if she's just got the common cold. His reality is far from being in the real world, but...she wanted him and he's her problem now.
Bea and I must have married twins, i.e., I had a very nasty, evil spirited, vindictive mlcer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I had this big post typed out, then something happened with my phone and it got deleated. I'm not typing it all over again!
I did want to thank everyone for all of your comments - they are so valuable to me. I enjoy hearing from everyone, no matter where you are on your journey.
The whole A thing is frustrating. I do understand the thought process behind it on one level. I see the depression, misery, and darkness in my H. I know he hurts.
But on the other hand... The man had a pretty damn good life, and now he has burnt it to the ground. Sad.
It's interesting to see how time goes on, that there are so many role reversals in our R.
I think I have said this before, but there are times when H will ask me a lot of questions, and ask me strange questions. He did it again tonight.
I am meeting a friend for dinner tomorrow, which we do every month, usually on a Tuesday.
He has a meeting tomorrow, which I also knew about. He and I had already discussed how we could do both. He would come home right after meeting, and then I could go for dinner.
So tonight he mentions going to the sporting goods store after his meeting. I remind him I'm meeting my friend. He didn't act angry, but boy did I get a slew of questions!!!
Did he and i talk about this? Where are we going to eat? When did my friend and I talk about where we were going to eat? (Huh??? I especially liked that one) Do we usually go out on Tuesdays? When was the last time my friend and I went to dinner?
Now you also have to picture me, just calmly packing lunches and answering his questions as though this was the most normal thing in the world.
Lots of texting too, so I imagine there was drama on lovers lane. Gag!
Oh well! Looking forward to my dinner out tomorrow
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Just wanted to thank you and snodderly for stopping by.. My posts being under moderation will take some time to show up..
Sorry if I missed this but does your h know that you are aware of the OW identity. I know it does not really make any difference to an MLC'er just wondering though.. Take care Forever young - may now offer to rub my H's butt
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
Getting ready to go to dinner soon, and I think it's time for a little jukebox
This one is for the ladies... Not that you guys can't enjoy it... But I don't think I've ever heard a guy say, "I just love The Cranberries!"
I have always loved this song. It flashes me back to around 1991, senior year in high school. I was rocking big hair and acid washed jeans woo hoo!!!
"Linger"
"If you, If you could return Don't let it burn, don't let it fade I'm sure I'm not being rude It's just your attitude Is tearing me apart Is ruining everything
I swore, I swore I would be true And honey so did you So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?
But I'm in so deep You know I'm such a fool for you You got me wrapped around your finger Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to Do you have to Do you have to let it linger?
Oh I thought the world of you I felt happy in your arms But I was wrong I was wrong
If you could get by Trying not to lie Things wouldn't be so confused And I wouldn't feel so used But you always really knew I just want to be with you
And I'm in so deep You know I'm such a fool for you You got me wrapped around your finger Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to Do you have to Do you have to let it linger?"
Have a good evening everyone
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
T, I know that even though we read about and try to understand affairs and we see that our spouses are lost, it still is so very hard to get your mind around and it still hurts to your core.
I think the fact that your h had a pretty damn good life and is now risking it all shows clearly that he is in crisis.
I have suffered from depression at different times during my life. And unless someone has, it is difficult to understand how it affects you. It is like you are trying to swim in tar. And you keep trying to grab a hold onto something that will save you and keep you from going under.
You are desperate for a life preserver. But in that altered state, you cannot see clearly to find one. Those who suffer a Midlife crisis, often dont have the coping mechanisms and the skills needed to navigate through it. They flail around, their thoughts scattered, trying to figure it all out. Looking for the quickest and easiest fix - often times the opposite of what their life is now.
So, I am not at all surprised by his questions. His brain is a scrambled egg.
My xh forgot how old our son was. I kid you not. And I am talking about being off by several years. Scary. And sometimes funny. One time, he asked me what kind of car I drove. "Um, the same one I have driven for the last 3 years. "Oh, it looks different."
And the cuckoo continued flying around the clock. LOL!
