KD as soon as i asked that question i did realize that anyone who hands over their over friendly shoulder to a married man to sob on is not really on a pedestal.. She set up a successful international jewellery business post her D with a 4 year old who i believe has not seen his father, hence my anxiety.. Its an EA , he told the counselor he speaks to the women for emotional support.. Cadet , thanks for the advice , am going to take it..
Well guys, the latest development is that after 15 years of blaming my folks for every thing thats possible today he texts me saying that he appreciates all that i am doing and is thankful from the bottom of his heart. He is no longer going to blame my parents for the state of our marriage in counselling. He says it sthe two of us who have had compatibility and trust issues.. So i should not have any hope and that he is going to initiate the seperation process. I do think the combination of 180 and DBing has dissolved his anger , though is it just words to speed things along only time will tell.. Hanging in here
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
Also wanted to add that he is now wearing an absolutely loathsome handlebar moustache which is funny.. though it does tell me that we are most likely in the MLC land and in replay
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
If a person knowingly has a R with a married person, they are a lower quality human being with even lower morals and values.
I don't care if she is a Heidi Klum look alike who helps starving children in Africa while simultaneously earning her PHD in astro physics. Cheating is cheating.
Integrity is always the better choice...
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Even though it appears he "affaired up", he realy didn't. See the information that I have copied from another forum for you and the posters to read.
"Please insert him/her, husband/wife as appropriate. This helps me understand how a MLC can take the big step to the bad side.....
Honey, they always affair down:
What’s is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you. You’re beautiful, and faithful, strong and possibly the mother of his children. The truth is, the OW could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little our husbands had to offer.
She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She’s accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value … her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack – and it’s at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, it’s just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired.
So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.
Retake your position at the front of the pack. More often than not, it’s you he’s fighting for; it's you he's sorry for; it’s you he’s trying to be a better man for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place.
Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down."
Also, do not leave your MBR or your home. If he's not happy, then he should be the one to move...after all, he needs to face the consequences of his actions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks so much TVS and snodderly..needed that heave ho..
I had posted earlier to kinda alter my thoughts on this.. though my posts being moderated will take awhile to show up .
TVS- In my case too OW happened to be a common acquaintance living in another city..we met her on a trek , when we went for our first ever holiday alone post S. Yes it does hurt more if at all that was possible.
Snodderly i imagine you as this lady with a halo whose light reaches far and wide (and I live really far ) warming up even the saddest of souls.. God bless you:)
Journaling My H initially started catching up with her for coffee and then dinners when he went to her city on work related visits. He used to earlier mention to me about these meetings..JuLy 11 to Dec 11. Then he called her for my niece's wedding saying as she is in town for work, lets have her over too.. I found it a bit odd as we had called only our closest friends and we barely spent hours with this lady.. I let it go as he had already given me a Miss negative crown.. was walking around on eggshells.. I assumed it was the wedding as he was footing the expense and missing his brother terribly during this time.(daughter of his brother who passed away.) so in May 12 he drops the bomb saying that he generally likes to talk to other women and meet them for lunches and kinda thrash his marriage while at it.He gives me some names, not including hers in the list.. Says whenever we have discussed this in the past i have told him this would be a deal breaker..(infidelity) confesses to an EA that happened 8 years back..i do the typical non DB stuff.. scream, threaten , beg cry, say i will leave.. he back tracks says no divorce..leave me alone..within 2 days of this he has a major slip disc..complete bed rest..
me waited on him hand and foot for 2 months in a way that i thought my back would give way.. Terrified and grateful for this opportunity .. wondering at God for giving him the kind of intense pain that he was going through.
The weekend before he resumes work OW flies down "for work"..i still had no idea.. as she has a four year old and he was not moving around for many hours he asks me whether we can call her home. I thought to myself thankfully she is not the one.. She comes over for dinner.. he makes me cook for her.. she checks out our digs .. he wants her to see his status as she is the lady with a fancy house and a fancy car.. post her visit he tells me now you know its not her , i say ya what kinda sicko will make me cook for her , make me feed her child ( she had a flight to catch and i was speeding things along)..HA!! i am so happy i didnt lose that opportunity to say that.. Anyway July 12 till now he has sent flowers, chocolates, taken trips to her city with his own flight points (hence taking an off at work never done this before), now to cover things further he tells me he is travelling to another city though i find a boarding pass to her city..(sorry non DB stuff but cant stop the snooping yet) I have not confronted him yet.. they yet pretend not to be that friendly as they ask each other's whereabouts on social networking sites..
He will ask her where is the party, on her winning what i'm sure a fake paid for award for young talent in design .. I feel like writing the restuarant name where they last ate ..Jokers , why dont you have the party there as u enjoyed ur last secret meal there!!!
Any ways though it may not seem like , i have checked out and kept OW more or less out of my mind now..
Oh that was a long post ! will keep venting!
thank you for this support..
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
Need advice.. Think i know the answer to this one but stilll wanted confirmation.. Does it help to indicate to H that i know the identity of OW , as he takes great pains to cover this up.. He plans to start seperation even if its in the same house.. i dont want to hear from him that the EA happened only after seperation as i understand this is what he will do if i confront him post seperation. I know DB says not to do pre or post but what i get from him that he is out of the tunnel and boarded the OW train His recent text to me says he no longer wants to blame anyone (specifically my parents ) for this break up.. its only the 2 of us who are responsible for it ..he does feel for them and respect them.. this is after i made a special dish for him that reminded him of his late father and he thanked me from the bottom of his heart.. hence the coming out of tunnel comment.. Thanks for reading this..
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
Hi hoper, ok. Good to know that you've rethought the "affair up| idea. For context of others reading here, you have just had a number of posts approved, beginning from back on the 8th.
Just so you know, your posts will be off moderation sooner if you post more frequently. If you can post daily, even if it is just journaling, you will get off moderation.
It does sound like your H is in MLC, based on some of the things you post. Of course, the work we do for ourselves, is done regardless of our spouse's disposition. Some spouses seem to process more subtly and slowly, so they appear more like WAS, as they come to the conclusion that we are simply not compatible. It is things like the curled mustache, out of character partying, the classic "MLC vehicle" and teenage like behaviours as we notice replay behaviours, that tell the tale.
I will tell you that I obsessed about the OPs my ex had. It did me no good. I have remained unable to get admission from my ex and so no resolution. Do not expect your H will ever admit the A. Just move forward with the work on yourself.
And as you have likely read, if it is MLC, it can take a long time to get through it. GAL, detach, and take care of yourself and your S during this time. Your H will only work through this on his own time. There is nothing you can do to affect change in him.
