Boundaries and Bananas

[mizjjd]

At least your H is willing to let you drive his vehicle.

Ahem...well... he IS in another country atm...lol. But if I don't drive his truck I can't work. So really no choice.

You should be able to find a nice car this time of year at a reasonable price.

I think I'm going to wait for now. H agreed (in theory) to him using his bike and me his car (if and when he ever returns home). If my job goes full time, if H gets back to work, there'll be more $. No sense, imho, of rushing to buy a car/go into debt. That's what we decided today - tomorrow could be a whole new story lol.

Your H is a twit.

This did make me laugh!

H texted me today

"You must really like your job."

Out of the blue - hadn't been discussing it at all. So I asked him why he said that. He responded.

"Awful cheery lately. Its a good thing."

Given his current sitch I didn't feel it right to cue him in on it being more than just the job, that its because I am actually exercising my inalienable right to pursue happiness. My happiness, not his. What's that song? "But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well See you can't please everyone so you got to please yourself."

Thanks for stopping by!

[Portia]

Hey Miz,

I wonder if he doesn't connect that he is out of the house for awhile and that space from him hasn't increased your PMA? But I do not have much faith that these MLCers can connect two Leggos.

They really do notice that PMA. In my case during our R talk, he admitted that he noticed I sounded so positive and happy our last few conversations. He also thought that meant that I was totally fine with our current "friend arrangement". In finding out about my panic attacks (I did not tell him, had one on the phone) he was angry that I did not share my feelings. There really is no winning.

You really do sound good MizJ and I think what you are doing is working. He is noticing. This is our time now - I am hoping for a little peace for all of us!

[mizjjd]

Hey Portia!!

Thanks for taking time out to stop by

I don't think they connect too much either - particularly not if its not in their "world".

H being gone has been interesting for me. There are times I miss him. I definitely feel very bad for what he's having to go through with his parents, I know what he's doing is extremely difficult.

But when he talks about coming back my thoughts are more towards "my vacation's over" than "oh thank goodness".

I feel terribly materialistic but the facts are that if there was a way to financially survive while he stayed up there that would be fine by me.

Detaching is definitely easier with him not here.

Now I'm thinking this is all insensitive to you Portia, because I think you regret the distance between you and XSO.

And maybe with time, I too would regret the distance.

These are such strange times. I'm sitting here looking at a family photo taken about 18 years ago. H is holding S20 (aged 2) and I am holding D18 (aged about 6 mos) and H has his arm around me. (twins hadn't come along yet)

I look at that photo, and I feel like I'm betraying .... I don't know who? Me, him, the kids the institution of marriage itself? But I feel "wrong" that my days are easier without him in them.

Well thats pretty melancholy stuff. And on a Friday too!

I have work and then a track meet to attend for one of the twins. And then of course my weekend at fastfood land... but for now I'll put on my happy face

[mizjjd]

H has texted that he plans to leave his folks house tomorrow morning. Will stop off at the casino and be home Sun night? Mon night?

[Portia]

Hey MizJ

So he is on his way home. I absolutely understand how the distance can be good for you but thank you for acknowledging my feelings. For me the distance has been both a blessing and a curse.

The distance has helped me breathe. I could choose whether or not to answer the phone. I will not ever have to see him again if he strolls off into the sunset with GF and baby.

It is also interesting that you missed him. Even as he has been. Doesn't that just say so much about the fact that this is such a strange journey into Wonderland?

I also hear you about the guilt. I was not a great partner. He was very supportive of me. Don't I owe him? This is where we are in our journey, I think. I am with you kid

[mizjjd]

H texted from the casino.

Was debating when should return home.

Debate solved when he realized he had to use the bathroom.

Be here in a half hour.

[MissAgnes]

Hi mizj,

I feel the same way in that it is much easier to detach when H isn't here.

I hope your week goes well, especially with H returning shortly.

[wishing, hoping]

H texted from the casino.

Was debating when should return home.

Debate solved when he realized he had to use the bathroom.

Be here in a half hour.

So he has to leave the casino to use the bathroom? Don't they have bathrooms in the casino?

I don't get it?!?!?

[job]

I had to laugh...I'm sorry. I think he used the bathroom at the Casino. But what may have happened is that while he was using it, he realized he need to come home. I do think it's funny how he expresses himself some times.

I hope things have settled down for you. You had a rough week last week.

Enjoy your day!

[mizjjd]

So he has to leave the casino to use the bathroom? Don't they have bathrooms in the casino?

I don't get it?!?!?

They do, but H is particular about where he "goes".... so it was either rent a hotel room or come home.

I had to laugh...

Oh definitely. Me too.

H has said it is good to be in his own bed and to have his own bathroom. No, I didn't "expect" any grand gestures - but thought the whole "well I do have to go potty, so might as well go home" was noteworthy.

Strained homecoming, at least on my side. I know H needs support right now, and it is my instinct to go to him, to hug etc. But its almost as if there is a force field?

I do recognize that it will take time for him to calm down from the 2 weeks spent with his parents, time too for us to figure out again just exactly what our roles are in this new post bomb world. Of course, just prior to going up to his folks things had begun to settle a bit. Now its all topsy turvy again.

Thank you MissA, W,H & Snodderly for stopping by.