JS, First off, I don't think she's ignoring it. There's no way she can... unlike you it lives in HER head 24-7. Secondly, you may want to spend some time in introspection to figure out "why" she doesn't trust you. Maybe it's all her perception of you, but even then something is making that perception. --z
Point taken. Maybe she isn't ignoring it, but she does a pretty good job of faking that part. Much better than I'm able to pull off.
Introspection? What have I been doing for the past two years? Admittedly, I'm somewhat simple-minded about a lot of things, but I think I have looked pretty hard at myself and what bothered her.
I know I work a lot, I've been trying to take more time off. Unfortunately, I can't just quit everything, although I did consider that. The only thing that stops me is that I'm not convinced it would make any difference...and then where would I be? She'd be gone and I wouldn't even have this job...that I kind of like BTW.
I've offered to talk about what she wants to do, what she wants me to do...etc. but she won't talk about it. I've tried to be more available, and really tried to show her that I care in ways she understands. I get no conclusive feedback.
Yeah, if I dig, I can see how some things have changed. For one, she's back home. That's a big one, I know. But I still wonder if she came back because of the kids, for security, or just to bide her time...and it nags at me.
I've told her we have a lot of options. WE are in a position to do several different things to improve the R, but unless I start getting some clear signals that she really wants to do it, I'm probably better off doing what I'm doing...without her.
Like you, my trust of her went out the window when all this started. It's almost funny. I read your post on your thread about your H saying you guys have been together since May. W said about the same thing. She said she didn't leave. Meaning she didn't pack up and move back home like she claims she wanted.
Hello?? You moved out of the house, checked out of my life and the kids lives for two years and you think that you didn't leave? Even now she isolates herself in the house. Our definitions of "together" are obviously different.
But I digress. My point is that I've done a lot of introspection, come up with all kinds of things I did wrong, or at least, could have done better and I've been trying to work on that. I just don't know if my ideas are the right ones, or if they are enough to make a difference because she doesn't tell me. Usually, I have to rely on you guys to tell me when I'm screwing up.
Give it some more time. She's been home for just a few weeks right? It's not going to happen over night. You've been patient and loving for this long...can you do it a little while longer? And see what happens?
Who knows, maybe a change is right around the corner. If it is, you'd hate to be on the wrong block.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
I think we could go nuts trying to figure them out. But, she is home. Step one. It sounds like you have some very real expectations about how she should be behaving, as a wife, a mother, a friend, a lover. Possibly she is not ready to fill all those roles at the moment. Or feels that she can't live up to those expectations so why try.
I agree with Kitti about the ephinany part, at some point I think it comes for them, until then, what are you doing to nuture the friendship, just the friendship, without expecting more. Should you expect more after all the years of marriage, I think most of us would agree yes, but that isn't the reality of where we are in our lives.
You can say no to her invites if there are things that you want to do, if you are going to resent going somewhere with her because you can't do what you planned, don't do it. The resentment will make start to seep out in ways you don't realize.
You seem to be doing so much for everyone else: children, work, wife, but how about you? Just for you, carve some time out that makes you an interesting person to yourself.
Well, coming into work my dashboard lit up like a Christmas tree and the temperature guage pegged out. Probably not good, but the engine seemed to be OK. I took it to the dealership where they were happy to take my money to find out what's wrong.... SIGH.
Dagny, MAL, Kewl, Z,
I know you guys are right but I'm still pissed and I'll probably stay that way. I do the best I can to be supportive but sometimes it's frustrating. I do expect more and told her before she came home that if we couldn't get there than lets forget it. We don't have to be married for us to be friends.
I hate saying no to her though...I mean, when she is not living under the shadow I really like to be around her. She's always been a lot of fun. It's just the mood swings, the anger, and the pain I see sometimes...usually directed at me.
Y'all keep worrying about me and that's nice, but I'll be OK. I have a very high opinion of myself... I worry about the kids and W, I always have. Hmmmm...Make myself an interesting person to myself....I'm already interesting to myself.
Well, supposed to go to dinner again (I'm a glutton for punishment), then YS's game tonight. Hopefully jury duty will end too and W can come home. Just in time for us to go look at colleges. YS's coach says he thinks these guys will offer a scholarship. I hope so, although YS will probably be even more difficult to live with if that happens. LOL.
Of course, if they can't fix my truck...I might have problem.
Just keep busy with the things you're doing now, and let time do the rest. That's a good thing for you right now.
Quote: I have a very high opinion of myself... I worry about the kids and W, I always have. Hmmmm...Make myself an interesting person to myself....I'm already interesting to myself.
Hmmmm....And he is modest too!
Good Luck with dinner and over the weekend. Let us know if YS gets the scholarship offer. I'm rooting for him.
Sorry to hear about your truck. I hope it isn't anything major.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Just journaling here. It's acutally been a pretty good week for a change.
Been a long week and stayed kind of busy though. Hope y'all are having fun up there in the frozen north.
Went to visit a college w/YS this weekend. It was a fairly small, private school, etc... I was kind of trying to talk him into one of the bigger schools that were talking to him, but in the end, I realize it's his decision. Well, he really liked it... liked the coaches, the campus, and the area. They liked him too and offered him a scholarship. It was pretty cool and I was impressed with the facilities given the number of students they had. Anyway, he accepted, so now I don't have to worry about traveling to anymore schools. Assuming he can stay out of trouble and finish high school this year, I can look forward to kicking the last kid out of the house this summer. LOL
W seemed pretty distant when we got home Sunday, but apologized Monday morning(A rare occurence). She had to go back to jury duty Monday and Tuesday, but was off Wednesday, so she got to go with me to YS's game.
I got my truck fixed too! $1800. Ouch! but it's running pretty well. W said I should give it to YS when he goes away to college and get a new one. I'm trying to pretend she didn't say that.
W has seemed somewhat agitated the last couple of days, but she was talkative which I always take as a good sign. She didn't go into her hole. We went to YS's official signing yesterday and then all went out to dinner last night. So far so good.
Oh, get this...She had to go back to jury duty today and before she left, she actually gave me a hug, a kiss and said ILY. I almost had a heart attack. I can't even remember the last time that happened. I think I'll count that as a baby step...at least until she gets mad again.
Been talking to D most everyday. I know she's still down about her breakup w/fiance but she seems to be handling it very well. She goes out and does something...besides school, everyday. Lately she's been at the gym working out and trying to strengthen her leg since it's still sore from the surgery and the Dr. said she can't run on it yet. She hasn't been meeting a lot of people but I think that will come with time.
She just emailed me saying "There's this really cute guy in my class named XXX. He's kind of a hick, so you would like him.".... What kind of crack is that??? I'm not sure what she meant by that last remark, but at least she's noticing that there are other guys in the world. I wish she'd keep those thoughts to herself though and I've told her that before. I'm not really interested in the "cute guys" in her classes...
She did get a new part-time job so that's taken a big weight off her mind. She had to quit her last one when her leg started hurting too much and her fiance was the only one working. When they broke up, she was really worried about the finances.
Actually got to hear from OS several times this week too. That's unusual, he usually only calls after I call him. Mostly too busy chasing women. But he was interested in how YS was doing w/the recruiting and telling me what he's doing and how much he's working now.
Playing for sympathy I think. He's in the reserves and is going to Iraq next month, so now he has to work for a living and is too tired to go partying all night. LOL.
So everyone seems to be content for now. That hasn't happened often in the past couple of years. There's been waaaaay too much drama in this house. I might just celebrate tonight...before the other shoe has a chance to drop...
Well, gotta go and pretend I'm working again. Take care.
Quote: Oh, get this...She had to go back to jury duty today and before she left, she actually gave me a hug, a kiss and said ILY. I almost had a heart attack.
Well it didn't take long for events to take another turn. Lost my patience last night and still haven't found it this morning.
W got home late Friday, but met me at YS's game. She seemed kind of distant, but was pleasant. Then didn't come home until an hour after the game was over. I thought I did pretty good then though...didn't say anything.
Saturday she slept in until after noon. I did some stuff around the house. She washed her car when she did finally start moving around. That way she could be home, but not spend time w/me. She usually doesn't want to spend too much time in the same place. About 4pm she decides she needs to go shopping, I'm not invited. She returns in an hour with something for us to eat and at 6pm she decides she needs to go to a friend's house "for a little bit" I don't see her until 11pm and wasn't happy about it again and let her know it this time.
Things are still rough today. I decided I needed to get out of the house before I said something else. Almost made it until she decides to make some comment about how "Oh, you're allowed to go out, but I'm not!"
"Excuse me? You are ALWAYS going out!" I told her I'd had it. She won't go to counseling, she won't do anything with me unless it involves the kids, she won't talk about any of this, she uses any excuse she can to be somewhere else and expects me to take care of whatever the kids need AND watch her dogs (this one is still a sore spot with me). I don't need this.
She makes a few smart remarks then goes into her room and slams the door. Typical. We can't discuss anything normally and she avoids any confrontation she doesn't start. I just left and came into work.
I know I backslid, but I really don't care right now. I am tired of it. I know I shouldn't have had any expectations, but I did...not many, but the few I did have weren't met. I can't believe her first day back she thinks it's supposed to be just fine with me that she up and disappears all evening.
I told her if she doesn't want to be here, then just leave. I'm still not sure why she came back, unless it was just for the kids.
Enough rambling. I'm just PO'd again. It seems to be a fairly regular occurance lately. I try to hang onto the little improvements I see her making, but the phrase "too little, too late" never really seems to leave the back of my mind.
