AS..its a terrible addiction and one which is so hard to give up.I smoked 25 years ago and remember the cravings stayed with me for a very long time. That's one reason I didn't want my H getting to that point again. I guess that's why I had to take the approach I did. I won't look after you or hold your hand. If smoking is your choice. This is my choice. One of his issues with me at BD...I don't want a mother..OK I get it. I detached and it saved me and hopefully ultimately H as well. Sorry to hijack Reb but you know where I'm coming from.
Party went well. D17 was surprised! Everyone seemed comfortable, except maybe H's friend and his girlfriend. I was welcoming and gracious but they were there about 40 min before H & D17 & didn't hesitate to order a pitcher of beer and they pretty much kept to themselves. It brought up a lot of angry feelings, these are the people that H lives with and I don't think they are a good influence on H and I don't personally approve of their lifestyle. But H makes his own decisions. H's friend did come up to me near end of party and gave me a hug & said in my ear 'you're so good, bec'. I'm naturally looking for the hidden meaning there, but I appreciate the compliment I guess. I'm hoping he saw some changes in me & it inspired him to say something. mindreading... (there will probably be a lot of mindreading in this post because I'm getting it out & letting it go).
The surprise & dinner was at a restaurant, then the kids came back to my house to watch movies & soak in the hot tub. D17's friends are all really good kids and I loved hearing them laugh and have fun. H came to my house for about 10 min after the restaurant then he left. I invited him to hang out but he said he figured I'd be hiding in my room soon with a house full of teens so he'll just leave.
Overall it was much better than I expected with an obvious overlay of sadness (in my head) because this is another celebration we don't fully get to enjoy as a family.
There were a couple moments that felt good. After they walked in & everyone yelled "SURPRISE" d17 was so emotional and started crying and went around the room hugging everyone. It was so sweet. And in the high of that moment H unexpectedly hugged me hard. Hadn't had a hug from him in months! I didn't even realize we were standing next to each other because the crowd was shifting around d17 and then all of a sudden I was being hugged. It was really sweet but one of those 'we did it, proud of our girl' moments. Then we hugged again when he left for a little longer. That hug felt more intentional.
There was another moment when he was cleaning the patio & found a dead mouse. I'm inside the house & he took a pic of it & sent it to me, then of course I throw on shoes & run out to go look. He said "I was wondering how fast you'd get out here". That really touched me because I felt known in that moment. If there's something gross or dead or whatever, I've always been the type of person to get a good close look & poke it. And he knows that about me.
Now in regards to DB/WAH, is there a known theory about the WAH trying to be as unattractive as possible to the LBS? H has not been taking care of himself at all. He has put on probably close to 20#s since moving out, has this weird facial hair thing going on, and started another old bad habit of chewing tobacco. All of the cosmetic things I don't care about but I question a future with someone that plain-ol-doesn't-care about himself. There is so much focus on working on ourselves here, be the best person you can be, make your own positive changes. And if that works, has anyone ever been left with a H that is worse-for-wear and not living a lifestyle the LBS wants anymore?
Over the last 6 weeks of 'promoting friendship', we've definitely progressed to better communication, H's been more involved with the kids, (his OW R is finally done), we've shared jokes and laughs and general comfortableness, I'm GAL and have many new friends and new activities to look forward to, we're going to the counselor in 10 days & even a day trip for D17 bday in a week together. And I've initiated his LL touching & received two good hugs last night.
I feel like I should be encouraged but I'm not. It sure feels like we've both worked very hard to achieve a comfortable co-parenting status. There's nothing that has transpired that makes me feel he'll ever consider a new love R with me. It feels that he still thinks it's hopeless. And I'm starting to wonder if it is too. I don't know how to keep the faith... or maybe I've finally reached a level of detachment and this is where I'm supposed to be?
Well, I've had a bad day. Feeling very very alone.
Since renewed communication with H I've been really struggling with the idea that, even under the best DB circumstances, we just may not be able to get past some basic lifestyle differences. And it has made me question why I'm holding onto feelings for him? I should have just gone back to 'be curious about the future' and 'no expectations' but NOOOOO, I had to get down the box of letters and cards from our early days to really pour acid in my eyes and prove how much things have changed.
I could only look at a few cards and letters through the tears. One thing that really jumped out, though, was H wrote so many times 'thank you so much for your love & support', 'your support means everything to me'. And it's a big slap in the face because I know that I did not offer love and support for the last few years of our m. For me, it was survival & getting through the day without lashing out at the kids or H. I am so saddened by this. There was tons of neglect on H's part that contributed to our failed R, but it just shouldn't have happened and the damage feels to great to get past.
I wish I could have a brighter outlook on the future but today it feels like I'll never have love from H again and it makes me so sad. I've really been feeling more like my 'old self' lately and that's even sad, because the 'old H' seems to have disappeared and I fear it's forever.
I could just use some support today to dig myself out of this hole.
Reb..we have all made mistakes in our R's. We have to take 50% responsibility for its failure. You mustn't be so hard on yourself. I see a lot of myself in you. I felt the same way many times in my R over the years. Lost, used, unappreciated, lonely, just getting through the days, looking after kids and household chores, working and just going through the motions. Haven't we wasted a lot of time being miserable and bitter? Its never to late to change that. I always expected my life to be perfect. I had to control every aspect of our lives. I don't cope with stress, uncertainty or problems, so I would expend a lot of energy avoiding them. Everything had to be in place always. Yes, I am a perfectionist and won't settle for anything less, until now. My H is not perfect, OMG..he smoked/s!! How could I love someone that smoked/s, it was beneath me. But I realised it was unconditional love, that he was seeking. I expect it (even though I have no flaws LOL) and so I give it.
It is said many times here in the forum, that you can't expect to go back to the old R. You will be creating a whole new M. That is really something to look forward to. You have come so far in DB'ing, but it will take time, lots of it. I see so much progress. My M is a work in progress as they all are. There is a lot of improvement. I never believed it could happen by me being the only one who would change or consciously work on it. It is so much better. My H is a hard man and I see a lot of softening in him. He does respond to my different approach to life. But best of all I am really proud of myself.
Reb, if I may, stop looking of your shoulder. Remember the good times for what they were. An enjoyable experience. Create the life you want.
And from a man's point of view, the chewing tobacco and extra weight, he's doing what he wants to do. Being comfortable. We quit nasty habits and lose weight for....WOMEN. At least 60% of the reasoning behind it anyway.
As for yourself, do what YOU want to do. If you've wanted to see how it feels to be a redhead, blonde or whatever, go for it. Buy some new clothes, nice under garments too. Feel sexy. He'll notice. Change up the house. If you've wanted new furniture, get it. Make the bedroom YOURS. Not something you used to share.
In short...do what your H is doing. Only with a positive, responsible spin. Isn't he using many DB principals without knowing it? Hasn't that caught your attention. Isn't that funny?
Do you. What you've always wanted. Because your worth it.
Thank you GB, your description of your past life sounds just like mine. And I did (do) have super high expectations of myself and others! Your comment about unconditional love is touching. I want to give that too. I used to, until my H starting failing my expectations. ding ding ding!! Learn something about myself every day! Okay, well with that knowledge, I have learned enough about myself and H that I think I could navigate that in the future. I can at least live with awareness.
PW, you're absolutely right, I've said here early on that I started DB by default because my H cut us off so severely. You made me think about my 180s. And I kinda think that maybe I'm the queen of 180s! But I really want to challenge myself so I'm super grateful for any input.
My first 180 was actually a year before H left when I started taking care of myself physically. It may have turned into an obsession, I was at the gym at least 6 days a week. Fitness used to be very important to H for at least the first 14 years of our M, but he did not join my enthusiasm. I lost 40 lbs and started feeling really good about myself, which (expectations) resulted in my judging H pretty harshly for his bad habits. He did comment on this when he left, said 'maybe I was holding a mirror up to him' but it didn't change his behavior.
Other 180s: used to be hyper focused on kids & their schedules/activities. Now I constantly surprise myself at how relaxed I can be. They have risen to the occasion and I realize they didn't need my dictatorship. It's much calmer now at home.
Old me: didn't show appreciation for H. With his working so much, I was very angry and resentful. But even in every day conversation or texts, there wasn't a lot of please & thank yous. Again, I expected, therefore didn't need to say 'gee thanks'. I 'praise the 1%' very well now and recognize and give credit to H for his efforts. And he reciprocates and it feels nice that he shows his appreciation, usually only regarding the kids. I show gratitude for his generosity by contributing to us financially still.
Old me: I was kinda a hard *ss. I feel a lot more like myself now, kind and not angry all the time. I like me a lot better now.
Old me: super strict with kids, d17 will be 18 yrs old tomorrow! And she's a very good girls and I trust her decisions now.
Old me: I was very wrapped up in my kids success! They are very talented and have garnered a lot of attention for their abilities. But I pushed them so d*mn hard for a lot of years to squeeze out every drop of potential. I've totally let up now and my kids are responsible for their own achievements.
Old me: I didn't do much socially or invest in friendships. I've made a lot of new friends in the past year and have rekindled old friends and I feel really good about the relationships I'm building.
Silly old me: I didn't like to try new things. Now I am excited to try anything and everything, love wine, have fun trying foods I NEVER would have tried before, it reminds me of my youth - I was always adventurous and really lost myself for a lot of years.
Cosmetic old me: I've always been told I'm attractive and even when 40 lbs heavier I'm tall so I carried it well. Always been a makeup and perfume kind of girl, but my clothes are much more fashionable now and my hair is highlighted. I get manicures now and have painted and longer nails. The crazier the color the better.
I'd like to redo the downstairs of my house but haven't had the time or money yet, so it all looks the same as when H was here (with the exception of all of his pictures gone) . I painted my bedroom last winter, new bedding & pictures & lamps and I love relaxing in my new space now. H has never seen my new bedroom. I'm running a 5k next month with a new group of friends, going to Boston next month with my daughter's touring symphony.
I'm feeling pretty darn good about my 180s and even better when I can keep my PMA. Here's the kicker - of all the 180s I can think of, I don't think H knows about most of it. Sure he can see my outward appearance is different, but he's never inquired or asked anything about me personally to notice my changes. And mostly that's okay, because I'm happier my changes are for me. But there's always a part of me that wants H to be proud of me too.
Anything else I can try???? The next major 180 would be if I started cooking... but come on, I don't think I'll ever change enough to enjoy cooking.
We should start a praise yourself and your changes thread. This felt pretty good.
Pulpwood! I just remembered/realized something significant based on what you said - my H could very well using DB on me! I gave him the book!
Days after I got home last July and he had moved out, I went to the book store & grabbed the first book I found that had the word divorce in the title. It was DB. And it was not what I was expecting. I read the first 60 pages or so and went back and bought another copy for H and begged him to meet me and gave him the other copy.
Remember the first part of DB is about the unrealized consequences of divorce and hope for marriage. I asked H a few days later if he had read that first part and he said he had. Never asked him about it again and then I found out about OW and we didn't talk for months.
I would be really surprised if H actually continued to read DB and put it into practice because he's never given any indication he wanted to try in our M. But it would be an amusing turn of events, wouldn't it?
I know now DB is supposed to be a secret weapon and not shared with the spouse. Anything I should do to counteract his possible unknowing db attempts? Funny (but improbable) to think about us both having no contact and GAL. Anyone know of spouses both practicing db before?
And he knows that about me. 
It sure feels like we've both worked very hard to achieve a comfortable co-parenting status. There's nothing that has transpired that makes me feel he'll ever consider a new love R with me. It feels that he still thinks it's hopeless. And I'm starting to wonder if it is too. I don't know how to keep the faith... or maybe I've finally reached a level of detachment and this is where I'm supposed to be?