So, this race is over and I do not think I placed as well as I wanted to. On the other hand, I learned a lot to apply to the next race. Don't misunderstand my intention, I still support and love my husband, but have begun talking about my future without him. It is what I have to prepare to do. If we have a future together, it would be what I want, but if we don't, I have to be equally good going forward on my own.
We had a text chat and I said that he might get a call because I am applying for dual citizenship to England and a J class visa to US for teaching. So, we chatted about the house and he said "Well, I think we have a lot of time yet" I replied "At least a year lol"
In previous conversations he seemed to think that I would be here for a while, that I would not look for a job elsewhere. I told him that while I would be happy to stay if we were together, we are not. I have no family and no connection to this place. And not for him to take it in the wrong sense.
I mentioned that I would like to go to X and he said if you go you will never come back. It is a place we both love. Maybe he is beginning to realize that he is not the only one with a life or potential for a new life.
I am not done with this relationship by a long shot. We are friends and still have an emotional connection (after 20 years there would be). But I am letting go of the phantom us and focusing on the solid me. I hope. My goal anyway lol. Can't guarantee perfection, but , hey, who can?
