Everyone handles their situation differently and I remember the panic I felt soon after bd. I still feel that panic and uncertainty when starting to communicate with h again. But at a certain point, you have to pull up your big girl panties and figure out how you're going to handle your future ON YOUR OWN. And if you're not willing to help yourself, how do expect ppl here to help you?
I've only recently started reading your sitch but your neediness is like a vacuum here and I can't imagine how overwhelming it is for your H in real life. I'm not trying to wield a 2x4 here but you've received pages and pages of good people trying to help and you haven't even finished the book?
Because in reality, this is only one book that's the BEGINNING of your journey. There's a whole library after that can teach you about true communication with your spouse and love. And it is d*mn heartbreaking to think that after learning everything you've learned there is the most likely reality that you'll never be able to share it with your spouse! But this is the real life we are living!
It's time to face the reality of your situation and figure out how you're going to live from now on. If you put half as much effort into improving your outlook and being your best as you do spinning nervous energy, it'd at least be progress in the right direction.
