Slowing to a Crawl

[job]

Portia,
On another subject, make sure that you and your family do not toss out things like furniture, papers, dishes, etc., until all of you have settled down. Sometimes when we do things like this immediately after a death in the family, we tend to toss out things that may be of value and don't realize it. The reason that I mention this is that when my grand parents passed out 18 hrs apart, the family went into the house and toss a lot of wonderful antique furniture away because at that time, no one wanted to be bothered with it or wanted to store it. I realize you have to do this task, but be careful as to what is tossed out. Okay?

Keep your focus on the task at hand...packing up a home.

[mizjjd]

Hey Portia.

I echo and agree with the advice to take care of yourself - however that works.

Crawl is good I think... no reason to rush. And no reason to try to make lifelong decisions (last one of those I made certainly isn't working out too well...)

Rather, make a decision for 'right now'. Get through the seconds/minutes/hours/days, leave longer time periods alone.

I feel that you need to rest - so much has happened in your world. You really just need a break.

Hope you can sort one out soon.

[Portia]

Thank you Snodderly for your excellent advice. Most of what I am clearing now are the papers and pictures. Maybe that is why I had such an emotional day. These events will always be linked in my head and heart.

MizJ. Thank you as well. I think I need rest too. And now it appears that I can take my time. I have lived the last eight months dreading the day that he would tell me I was out of his life. Now I believe what everyone on this Board told me - MLCers rarely disappear forever. I do not have to scramble or feel I have to scramble to keep him in my life. In fact I am beginning to think I should be booting him from it. But I do not have to make that decision now.

I cannot help though thinking of our conversation. My laundry list of sins in the relationship. They were all valid. Great 180s except they were all things that he no longer wants from me. After BD I hung on to him for dear life. I stopped when he made some nasty comment. He asked him during the conversation how he could believe those changes. Absolutely valid.

I feel though that he is blaming me for everything which is MLC script. The question I have though is if he simply wants to pursue children why does anything I did or do matter? He knows that no matter what changes will be made that is not one.

After all this time I finally realize that this may really be goodbye. That I did not dream that we had a strong connection. We did. That I believe we could have been happy but he does not choose me.

[job]

Portia,
Going through your parent's belongings can be extremely emotional for you. That's one of the reasons that I caution people about tossing out things of value when they are emotional. I give the same advice to people who are going through divorce as well...

Yes, he does blame you for everything and will do so until his crisis is done. There is nothing you can do to change his mind at this point in time about anything. He can't look at himself in the mirror because he knows what he's done and continues to do. Portia, you have done nothing wrong. You loved this man w/every ounce air you breathe. You've been there to listen to his bs while your parent was near death. What more could you have done? You've given the relationship your all, so please stop beating yourself up over it.

It's up to him to see the changes in you and accept them. It's not up to you to prove yourself to him, but the other way around. He's not even owning up to anything that he's done or said and that tells me he's still frozen and hasn't begun to bake. Portia, he's going to use any and all excuses for what he's doing and he's bound and determined to hold on to you because he doesn't want anyone else to have you. I know it sounds sick, but they don't want us and yet, they don't want us to meet someone new and move on. They want us to remain right where they left us so that they can return time and again for ego kibbles. Life doesn't work that way.

Portia, you are a wonderful, compassionate lady. Do not beat yourself up over any of this. You have so much to offer the world and that world is waiting for you to heal and when you are ready, to spread your wings soar around the world. Life doesn't stand still for any of us.

Please take care of yourself and know that we are always here for you.

[Portia]

Snodderly

Thank you for your very kind words. They were a much needed balm to me. I have been beating myself up, far more willing to forgive him than myself. He has mixed enough truth in his words to make everything plausible. And they still are. The difference is that I have been trying to make amends while he has not.

I am beginning to accept this MLC reality. It is just not normal. I was talking to a very close friend of mine. I do not talk much about this situation but I realty needed to talk. I told her of the GF situation and the fact that he appears to be chasing someone who is trying to save her marriage (in his words anyway) and of his disbelief that I may not choose to stick around. Her reaction was that there has to be something physically wrong with him - brain tumour maybe? I immediately felt better. Because in the beginning isn't that what we all think?

I have not heard from him in over three days now. He has had a dose of reality so I did not expect to. As for me I have taken that much needed rest this weekend and have gone turtle on the rest of the world. Tomorrow my week begins again.

[BRNR]

Wow, I wish I saw Snodderly's post earlier

he's going to use any and all excuses for what he's doing and he's bound and determined to hold on to you because he doesn't want anyone else to have you. I know it sounds sick, but they don't want us and yet, they don't want us to meet someone new and move on. They want us to remain right where they left us so that they can return time and again for ego kibbles.

I think this is just what happened in my sitch.

Don't worry Portia, we are all human and will make mistakes....honestly, check out my post on my day...I totally failed at the challenge...but all we can do is pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and move forward. Tomorrow will be another day and we should live it to the best and most fullest. And yes, there is something wrong with our men, wish they knew that...and would figure themselves out already without dragging us through the mud further.

[Portia]

Hey B,

Thank you for stopping by. I wondered how your meeting went and will stop by your thread later.

If you are like me, that conversation will be playing like an annoying radio in your head. I am trying to ignore the sound but it is still playing.

What Snodderly said in my case is true; he is still covering up (or trying to cover up) the lies and has not really owned up to the destruction he caused. So it really is my turn to try to heal myself from the destruction and that is proving way more difficult than I ever thought possible.

Contacting him, whatever my excuse was NOT true to DB'ing. This conversation definately pushed him away which of course, is the mantra of the book - do not push away. These are the nuances I wish the book was more clear on but I guess they are things we need to figure out ourselves.

I wanted to text him this morning, just to see if he is OK. But I am resisting. After all, he is not worried if I am OK. But more than that, he needs to think about what it will be like to lose me and I really need to begin to accept that this relationship is over. Really accept it.

I do wonder if that will be the last time I speak to him. That does not seem to be MLC script but anything is possible. Right now, my intention is to wait until he contacts me. Because I have other things that need to be done that are in my control to do.

Despite the corner I have turned, the continued acceptance that the person I knew is gone, I am still not DONE. And I wonder if I did not screw up an opportunity to at least keep the door open a crack for continued contact with him? This is a constant battle inside my head. I believe that he did need to know that I may not always be here (although I am still surprised that he did not already know that).

Is this it?

[job]

Your chapter is not done by any means. He's in mlc and he will contact you again when he thinks you have settled down and will not remind him of the earlier conversation. Mlcers are like children, i.e., when they are bad or misbehaving and mommy or daddy corrects them, they are good for a while and then it's right back to wanting attention once again. Trust me, he will contact you and pretend like the conversation never took place.

Sometimes, we have to tell them what is on our minds and get it out of our systems. Portia, don't worry about it...you did okay. He now needs time to digest what you said.

Hang in there. Do not contact him as he needs to miss you and he can't do that if you contact him.

[Portia]

Thank you Snodderly,

You take such good care of us!

My heart wants to contact him but my head says no. And now you say no, so NO it is!

(Do you know Snodderly, I have never heard your "real" voice but everytime I want to go off the rails (with the exception of a wine-induced panic, apparently) I hear you in my head. Lots of love!)

[Portia]

DM started a list on her thread. I had actually intended to do the same as I turn this corner of accpeting the real reality of MLC. I pasted my response to her below so I could have it on my thread. For me, in the last few weeks especially, I have come to realize that MLC is real. I did not always believe that; was not always convinced. But if even half the things xSO says he is going through are true, then I have to acknowledge its existence.

DM, I do not post often to your thread as I am much further behind than you, but I was also thinking of making a list like this, more for "academic purposes" than anything else.

I have constructed my personal list of things I have learned painfully over the last yr. This is of course is nothing more that a list of what I have been advised over this time by everyone on this site, but this is a list of what I have finally accepted for myself.

Isn't this the truth? People can tell us things over and over but for them to really sink in, we have to learn them for ourselves.

When a spouse wants to walk away, let them, offer a suitcase, and you decide if you want to leave the door ajar behind them.

This is probably true, but I think we all must get there. The MLCer is going to live with enough regrets, I don't think that the LBS should as well. In my case, I am still not quite ready to drop the rope and I am grateful that I am learning the compassion to let go on MY terms, not his. For some, that will not make sense, but it does for me.

MLCer's do NOT live happily ever after with OW or OM

This I can absolutely believe. The MLCer's relationship with the OP is bizarre and unhealthy. Until recently, I did not realize how true that is. That does not mean that it will not take its time to run its course, but rational, stable people would not want a relationship like the ones the MLCer chooses to pursue.

Let go sooner rather than later.

This I agree with as well, recognizing that it is so hard to do especially in the beginning.

MLC has nothing to do with you, it's a personal crisis they blame on you.

Agree with the first part but do not know about the second. Am I being blamed for the crisis? In my case, not the whole crisis but certainly the breakdown of the relationship part. But then, our relationship was fairly untraditional so maybe that is the reason.

Revenge isn't nessecery, they will ruin themselves all on their own.

Yes. Consequences of their actions. Karma.

As soon as the bomb drops, go NC and protect yourself.

This is sound advice, at least until the LBS is not caught up in the drama or "shattering" as Susan Anderson has labelled it. But this is also hindsight for most of us who until BD never dreamed we would need to know that information never mind implement it.

Remember to love and respect yourself, as much as you were willing to love your spouse. I seem to shortchange myself, but lavish him.

Absolutely agree. I would add that there may be some truth in the things the MLCer says but that does not mean beat yourself up forever about those things that cannot be changed. I am still learning this. I am also still learning to worry about me and how I am handling this situation. To not let my life fall apart just because my relationship has. To just let him twist in the wind for awhile while I take care of my business. It sounds so simple, but it isn't.

You have been living a with a false H for quite some time, by the time they bomb you they have already been at this for a while.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I knew he was acting strange but could not put my finger on it. Never would have guessed an A or that I would soon be in for the ride of my life. By the time the BD occurs, they are so detached, they cannot figure out why you would need time to process.

Don't look back in pain and romanticize your R, accept the last few yrs for what they were, and see your S for who they have become.

Agree. This is what will help with acceptance.

They are not the S's we know, they are strangers with strange ideas and no filter for how they will treat you.

This has certainly been my experience. But we also know them better than we think. At least in my experience, now that I have "woken up" a bit myself, I find it easier to detect when he is lying.

The acceptance stage can end up being that they accept all their own MLC lingo as truth and it becomes who they are, and how they want to live the rest of their life.

That is a possibility and we should recognize it. In most of the readings I have done with regard to MLC, it appears inevitable that they will come out the other side as someone we recognize, that all we have to do is wait this whole thing out. There are stats that 80% want to return, the general consensus in the books I have read is that in the end, they come out the other side much like they went in, only more secure with themselves and their situations. It scares me a bit to think that xSO would stay stuck - it would be very sad for him.

Loneliness is not a reason to compromise yourself to you S. What am I missing anyway, H is not good enough for me anymore, he's gone!

This is my montra for when I feel down or anxious, it's helps me move forward, I pray for the day it comes natural for me and "all about H" is truly an afterthought.

Agreed.

There is no end to this list for me, I am still learning and growing everyday. I learn from this site everyday, I am thankful for all I read here and everyone who shares their personal story.

Absolutely agree with this!

There are a couple more things I would add:

MLC is not an excuse to act badly or treat others badly. In counselling, his counsellor has suggested MLC. Now in making a major decision, he appears to make a mental shrug, "meh, MLC" which appears to me to minimize the damage such a decision would cause. Neither the LBS nor the MLCer should allow themselves to get sucked in by the label.

We can only control ourselves. Such a hard lesson for us "fixers" to learn. As much as we can see the MLCer destroying himself, we cannot save them from the train wreck.

I am also still learning not only about MLC but about myself and how much work relationships really are. I get the opportunity to look at my own life and unlike Mr. MLC, will do it rationally. I want the biggest bang for my buck. This is my journey too.