So, "keeping a perfect house" -- this is what you would do if you suddenly lost her? Being messy is something about your SELF that always bothered you?
I'm sorry Inc, but all I see here is more placating of your wife. I've personally never seen that approach work. You're SPRINTING, and you won't be able to keep this up.
What did Chuck suggest about dealing with the affair?
Starsky
Yeah my messiness has always bothered me. You're right about it not being the thing I would do if my wife suddenly died though. The cleanliness thing is really less for my wife (who essentially seems to have stopped doing any domestic duties whatsoever outside of basic childcare) and more for my daughter, who deserves to live in a nice place regardless of whether or not her parents are together or happy.
Perhaps you're right that I'm sprinting and probably placating as well. Right now I know that I couldn't continue doing what I'm doing now forever, but it hasn't been all that bad either.
With regards to the affair--Chuck basically said not to mention it anymore. I'm still not sure how far it went between the two of them--I don't know if it was a true emotional affair of if it was more of an unrequited crush my wife had on her coworker--either way he just said that the more I talk about it, the more I'm inviting her to think about the OM, and that's the last thing I want. He's right.
At the heart of it, she was lonely and wanted attention she wasn't getting from me, right? That's why her eyes and heart started to wander--or at least that's what she says. Maybe I'll never really understand.
As far as GALing, I'm working on it. Chuck told me to start working on my bucket list. Problem is, I don't really have much of one. That's probably the first place to start. After my session with Chuck, I sat down to start working on one, and honestly, I came up with like 3 things that I REALLY want to do before I die. I can think of a lot of other things that would be nice to have happen, but not a ton of things that I would really actively pursue. I know that sounds lame. My mind isn't in the best place to be hopeful about the future right now, I guess, and it's hard to imagine a lot of fun things I guess.
God, I know I sound awful. Thanks for reading any of my posts, folks.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
I don't think you sound awful. I also think it's nice that you're trying to be less messy. You may develop new habits and be glad of them. It can't hurt. Hang in there. It just takes a lot of time and you have to do something to keep from going crazy. Cleaning's as good a start as any. Hang in there, you're getting good advice.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Also, how should I behave when my W gets back fro her trip? Should I act like I am happy to see her or should I continue to detach? I want to be pleasant and definitely not clingy, but I don't want to seem like I don't care that she is back.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
I've been following your thread since you started it. I'm in a similar sitch in which my wife told me that she wanted to move out and a few weeks later she did just that. She complained that I didn't pay much attention to her, just like your sitch.
I can't offer much advice but I just wanted you to know that I'm feeling much the same way as you. It's hard. It hurts to be away from her. I too feel like if she only knew how much this has opened my eyes. I wish marriage came with all these lessons at the start...unfortunately most of us have to learn the hard way.
Hang in there, have hope, and if anything we'll be better men as a result.
Me:38, Wife:36 M:8 T:13 No kids Bomb:3/10/13 W moved out:3/30/13 Started D paperwork: 10/14/13 D final: 12/30/13 To a future of love and happiness...
I am trying my hardest to not text my wife and ask her how she and my daughter are. I don't want to seem disinterested in my daughter's welfare, but I need to not be clingy.
How do you approach the issue of wanting to know how your kids are doing and not wanting to be a pain in the ass?
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
Last night I did a FaceTime session with my daughter and my W was in the frame. She was tearful and looked very withdrawn. We didn't talk about what was wrong at all but it looked from my perspective that something had changed. I am hoping that my PMA and acting "as if" is starting to make an impression on her and she is thinking about thing a little differently. Who knows. I'm not expecting her to have a huge change of heart overnight and I am trying to e patient. I am just looking for signs.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
I am still at a point when I feel blindsided by all this. I still don't fully understand fully everything that is happening. It is so hard to not reach out to my W and just talk, ask why this is all going on. She has told me in very general terms that she feels alone and unappreciated. I just don't know what the straw that broke the camel's back was. I want to talk to her, reach out and touch her, find out what I can do, but right now I have to wait for her to reach out to me and it is so hard. I feel very alone right now.
I am doing everything I can to GAL, but this is just still all so new that its a hard transition.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
Hi Inc., I understand completely! ((HUGS)) Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? They do help!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
