One of the things my coach asks is what I am doing for GAL. He wanted to make sure that I was doing things that I was interested in doing and NOT what I thought my WIFE would be wanting me to do or what my WIFE would be interested in. This confirms my thoughts on "be myself".
This is also very useful to read. As I am guilty of thinking what can I do as a GAL activity that would impress wife / compete with OM. Not good!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
If there is an OM involved, there is no way you can compete. Your spouse knows all of your traits. Good and bad. They know very little about the OM except what the OM shows them. I guarantee that the poor traits the OM possesses are not the ones on display.
Trying to one-up the OM is a path destined for failure in my mind. If you do that, you are essentially telling your spouse that you agree that the OM is better and that now you aspire to be just like them... and that's REALLY screwed up!
I feel like I am in a very similar boat. My wife is very strong willed and amazing at arguing. She will and is walking all over me at the moment and I feel constantly criticised and picked on. If I try and be assertive I am argued with, if I don't i feel like I am gaining no respect. It's very exhausting, so I admire you having the ba!!s to give it a go.
I also find that my wife likes to argue her point. I think a lot of it is just her expressing things that she never exposed before. I think that there has been a lot of stuff she has bottled over the years and now it is all coming out. And it comes out in very painful statements, accusations and conduct.
Many times, I don't agree with everything that she says, but I know it is pointless and actually harmful to argue with her. She is actually telling me how she feels. Who am I to tell her that what she feels is incorrect? It's how she feels! And, if you think about it, if I'm arguing with her over how I believe that what she feels or thinks is or isn't correct, I'm not on her side. I'm her adversary.
What our spouses really want is someone who believes in them, 100%. Someone who accepts them as they are. They have been hurt by us and are expressing their pain. Somehow, we need to allow them to let it out without letting it crush us in the process. We need to be the one they turn to when they are looking for a safe harbor. And yes, it's much easier said than done, especially when what they say hurts so much.
Absolutely. especially when OM is a person W met online. Even easier to be the perfect person!
I admit I did at first try to better OM - and I don't know anything about him! I soon realised it was a bad idea. It's fair to say though that there is always a temptation to be competitive and be something you think W wants.
I need to catch up on your story again, so sorry if this is already posted, But what did your 180 / goals consist of originally compared to now? Have they changed because of your new approach.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
do mean even the person that believes they are better off / more happy without us? Sorry to ask so many question on your own thread. I am curious about your approach and how you got there.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
1) Stop pushing for my way all the time. Listen to what my wife wants. Stop being so controlling. Trust my wife to handle things instead of taking over.
2) Be more involved with our children. My wife has always been the one who was connected with our girls. I was very distant and quite a harsh disciplinarian. I now am much closer to them and guide them instead of rule over them. This has been a big improvement. I feel our home is much better with this simple change in me.
3) Honor my wife's fiscally conservative nature. I always spent money freely. I was not irresponsible, but I would not take her thoughts or feelings into consideration. I still slip up once in a while, but when I do, I apologize and correct the problem. My goal is to ALWAYS talk with her and come to an agreement when faced with an expenditure. That action shows her that I care about her thoughts and feelings.
My 180's have not changed because of my new approach. They are areas where I did not honor my wife. They were things that communicated to her that I didn't love her. They are things that needed to be changed in me.
There are other things that I am doing differently which could be considered 180's, but these are probably the most significant ones.
My marriage to my wife may still not survive, but these are changes I needed to make and will continue even if we don't make it.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
My wife told me that she felt that she had to live up to my expectations. That she needed to be a certain way to be loved and accepted by me. She didn't feel free to be herself. She spent all of her time trying to please me.
Her complaint about our marriage is that we have no trust in each other. I did a search on the internet. Search "My spouse does not trust me Smalley" and see what you get. When I read this to my wife, she said that's it. THAT is what I want.
Smalley speaks of the environment in which a spouse can trust their marriage partner. Read it. He says it better than I can.
