Bomb dropped on me last week

[JMax]

Wow... I don't even know where or how to start. First, I'm new here. I've been with my wife for about 23 years; married for 16. We have 3 daughters: 13, 10, 6. 15/16 years were perfect. We had the ideal marriage. Then, last year, I went through a period of depression, which I am finally pretty much through.

The depression started in June. I denied I was depressed for months. We started a business together in August. Actually, she was already in business and I quit my job to work with her. It did not get off to a good start and we finally ended it when we separated last month. I neglected some of my responsibilities - even more so in her eyes.

Anyway, during the period beginning last June, my personality completely changed. I lost my self confidence. I started not trusting my wife. I became angry and possessive. We argued every couple weeks about many things, but mainly because of work concerns of mine. She started to withdraw, which of course made things worse for me - made me more possessive, more suspicious, angrier. I pushed and pushed.

She got more and more freaked out - didn't trust me at all. She knows I lied to her a couple times (I have never lied to her before). She feels I am controlling, manipulative, and she resents me for coming into her business and not holding up my end of things. All of this stuff is so uncharacteristic of me, normally. She also was freaking out because of our horrendous student loans. I didn't really have a plan for repaying mine - which needs to begin soon. Mid March, she told me she wanted me out of the house. So I left. I have no job and no prospects as of yet.

We went to a counselor last Wednesday. When asked why we were there, she said her mind was made up to leave and she wanted to ease the pain for me and maybe work on communication for post divorce. She didn't just say she wanted a divorce once, either. She said she couldn't take any more of this. The counselor asked her about that, and she said that she would be open to trying to reconcile at some point in the future, after filing or after divorce. I told her that if she filed, that would permanently end things between us. She is particularly afraid I will come to where she works (courthouse) and make a scene in front of people she works with. She is very image and reputation conscious (we are both attorneys).

Anyway, the depression started tapering off in February, I would say it is mostly gone now. She does not believe it though. Throughout the depression arguments, she would tell me she couldn't handle any more of it, but she always relented. I have made some 180's from when I was depressed, but I still need to do more.

She hasn't filed yet. Unfortunately, we have another counselor meeting this Wednesday. If she actually files, it will probably be the day after, or sometime this week.

Things I have going for me: she has LOVED me since we met; she adored me until this past year. We never argued, always got along perfectly. Our values are almost identical: we are loving, we are loyal, and we have always said that no matter what, we would never divorce. Our sex life is amazing, I think she would agree with that. She practices in the area of family law so she knows how devastating divorce can be - both to the parties and to their children. I can't believe she would put our kids through that without thinking things over carefully.

At the next counselor meeting I am going to do a couple more 180's that may shake her resolve to file for divorce quickly. First, I am going to confess to lying to her. I have mostly denied it up to this point. She knows about a couple of them anyway so I might as well come completely clean. I will feel better about myself, because I have never lied to her during the course of our marriage until the depression hit and I became desperate. Maybe if I start respecting myself more she will be able to start respecting me again? Thoughts?

Second, she believes that if she files, I will move several states away to start completely over, and will never ever consider reconciliation. Truthfully, I used to think the same thing - we talked about it from time to time as friends and acquaintances went through divorce. After thinking about it now though, as I am actually confronted with it, there is no way I would move away from my daughters. I would never move away from her either. I feel like if I tell her this, I might relieve some pressure?

Additionally,I am going to tell her there is no way I can rule out reconciling with her at any point in the future - divorce filing, divorce, or no divorce. I am thinking about telling her to do what she feels in her heart she needs to do and I will accept it - that I want to stay with her but I won't do it through lying or through attempting to force her, anymore. Should I also tell her that I understand how she is feeling and might even do it myself in her position? I created this mess and I feel like I need to show her I accept full responsibility, even if I don't like the outcome. This is a huge 180 for me, but its true and I don't control what she does, anyway. Is it going too far? Maybe actually saying it will open her eyes to the fact that I really have changed?

There is so much more I can - and should - add to flesh this out, but that is the gist of it.

So the basic situation is this: married, three kids, always got along until depression struck and I spiraled out of control. My personality completely did a 180: we argued, I berated, accused, etc. Afterwards, I apologized and always overpromised, sometimes lied. We would fight again over the same things a week or two later. She got tired of the pattern and doesn't believe it is over/gone. She resents me for making her carry the weight, she resents me for financial mismanagement, she resents me for alienating some of her friends, she is scared I will confront her in public, somewhere besides our home... and she just hates me in general.

Bottom line: I am on depression meds, I have been seeing an individual counselor and I have my emotions under control. I am pretty close to being back to the person I was before. And I am realizing what a messed up situation I have created.