Quote: I guess one piece of good news is that I scored some points this weekend. I cancelled my trip when I found out W had jury duty. My boss wasn't happy, but someone has to watch the dogs and YS. (although YS doesn't think so ).
I forgot to add this in my earlier post...
Did your W give you an indication that you scored points? I mean was it a good response from her?
I know that being so caught up in work, and not being there for her was one of the problems in your M. Making that choice this week was a good one! I hope she noticed.
Keep making those tiny deposits, because they add up!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
I'm working on the "focus on you" piece, and it's not too bad, but the kids seemed to be needing some stuff right now. I don't mind really, they are good kids by and large.
As far as W goes, no she didn't exactly say she appreciated anything. But I know she thought it. If only because she made a point of not mentioning it.
So far, she's called every night after her jury duty. Yesterday she called twice. Not sure if she was bored or checking up on me. YS had a game last night so we were gone for a while. She wanted to find out about the game and tell me about her day. She even asked if we were going to meet for dinner Friday since his game is up where they are having the trial.
I've called D every night too. I think she's kind of lonely right now, but she did call an old friend who goes to school down there and they are going out "to study" she says. (It's a guy!) Of course they don't share any classes or even the same major so I'm not sure what they are going to study, but I'm glad she took the initiative to call. I think she'll be OK.
I'm trying to clean up the garage. W moved back in and left most of the stuff out in the garage and you can't get any cars in there anymore, so I'm going to fix that, hopefully before this weekend. I'd tackle the house, but that's too much. Besides if I throw away a lot of stuff she'll say she wanted to keep it. She's a PackRat but I think she's starting to realize it. I've notice that she's been going through her closet and getting rid of clothes...even shoes. I was somewhat surprised. But there is still way too much stuff laying around. In any case, she probably won't say anything about the stuff in the garage or the attic. I don't even think she knows all the stuff that's out there.
Well, guess I should at least pretend that I'm working....Y'all have a good day.
OK. Does this make any sense to anyone? I get home from work last night and there is a message on the machine from W, saying that D is coming up to see her this evening and they are going to dinner. Would I like to come up and join them?
I knew D was heading up there today, she had told me that yesterday. Well it's about an hour and a half drive for me, a little less for D but coming from another way.
YS was still at practice and W figured he couldn't come, but wanted me to come anyway? Why?
So what did I do? I go. D is late, we spend about an hour talking before D gets there. Or at least she talked, I get to listen...that seems to be me what I'm allowed to do. Everything seems normal almost. D shows up, we go to dinner everything is fine. As we get ready to leave, she hugs D then makes a point of just looking at me and saying. "Well, thanks for coming. Bye." and that's it. Walks to her hotel which is just next door and I'm standing there like some idiot.
I'm not sure why she called. I'm not sure why I went instead of getting some stuff done around here...and I'm even less sure of why I'm now kind of ticked off about it.
hmmm, ticked? can you pinpoint where the ticked part came in?
from the outside looking in it looks like this was a baby step to friendship. you call a friend to go to dinner don't you? i know your husband and wife, but you really have to be friends first
I guess I'm frustrated that we never get past this point. It was a baby step to friendship about 6-8 months ago and we can't seem to progress past it.
What's so irritating is that she acts like this is perfectly normal and everyone is happy...until I happen to mention that I'm not. Then she usually does something extreme...like shut down. It's like it's a game and we all have to play along.
I didn't say anything and everything was fine. I've gone a couple of months (well actually about 7 weeks) without saying anything and it was still fine. As soon as I bring up something like "maybe we can work for something more"...WHAM, it's right back to the cold shoulder routine.
I can't express any feelings or thoughts about what's happening without her going to that "other place". And when that happens, it scares the h#$# out of me because it's like she's just not there.
this really sounds like full blown depression. and believe me i can relate being with a spouse you love but that wont do anything to help themselves (ie - take meds)
in her own little world - she has a certain perception, a certain way that she can comfortably deal with life. but because she is not in "reality" mode, anything that counteracts HER reality is a definite attack to her well being. she goes into SURVIVAL mode.
i know it's a very tiresome job we all have here being the only ones wanting to work on these troubled r's - but - (you knew one was coming right) in the long run, if we can hold on long enough things have a way of working out
there is another piecer on here, jeannine, you need to read a couple of her last threads, her husband was WAY off the deep end, with threats and the like, scared her half to death - but when you look at how things are turning out, it's simply amazing
if there is one thing i have seen in alot of these sitches, there is an epiphany of sorts for the wayward spouse, it happens all of a sudden - it may not be on our timetable but it does happen - and when it finally DOES happen, things change in minutes instead of months
keep the faith - if this marriage is really what you want (you have kids so i know that is a consideration) then patience is the key
Here's another way to look at it. Take it as food for thought, but consider the possibility that she doesn't trust you. Maybe she has a point to prove to you, maybe there is an old hurt there that she's still protecting. These things can completely colors one's perspective, actions and reactions.
She was diagnosed with depression in Aug of 02...this after about a year of extremely distructive behavior. The official diagnosis was Dysthymia...but that doesn't matter much when she is sporadic about her therapist and doesn't take her medication.
For some reason, it seems very important to her to feel like she's "handling" this on her own. Of course, from where I sit, that translates into just ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away.
Part of me feels like if I don't say anything, she'll go on in this stage for the rest of her life and I don't think I can deal with that. Another part of me thinks if I force the issue, it my drive her into treatment. But it might backfire too. That really worries me. It's hard to begin to describe some of the "episodes" she's had, I wish her therapist or doctor could have seen them. I'm not allowed to talk to them.
I know she doesn't trust me. I'm not sure why, but I've pretty much been the enemy since this thing started. But I don't know how it gets better when she just ignores it.
How does looking at it that way help? Seems to me the therapy is still the same...talk about it, work through it? What am I missing?
Quote: For some reason, it seems very important to her to feel like she's "handling" this on her own.
yes darlin, i sure hear you on this one. my husband is bipolar - with rapid cycling periods that are simply hideous, i seriously don't know HOW he survives them
that is where compassion needs to come to play. they for some reason see the need to do this without meds, so of course it's going to take a longer time than if they would treat it with dr's and meds
kinda like an big scratch, you know it's gonna heal, someday it will, but it goes much faster if you treat it with things, instead of letting nature take it's course, but nature will eventually and it does get healed...
).
