This morning I said good morning to W, and she got angry at me, stating that there was nothing between us anymore, telling me that the entire alienation between us was my fault, that it was permanent and unrecoverable, and that my greeting her amounted to being "phony." She threw a few choice words at me of the unsavory variety, and told me never to greet her again - only to address her if I had to ask a question or inform her of something. She told me basically that I didn't want the M when we had it (not true, but she is convinced of it), and that pretending to be civil now was a poor substitute, and she does not want us to try to be civil.
As far as she is concerned, everything I have done wrong since we got married was vindictive and intentional. Far from trying to reconcile, she is angry at any attempt to communicate, or even be pleasant to each other.
I cannot help but believe this means it is irreversibly over.
I struggled with suicidal thoughts this morning and early afternoon. Thank God for my children - I wouldn't hurt myself for their sake. But I can't help thinking...am I really completely bad? Is it true that I was always selfish, and never really loved her at all - or anyone else? She can counter every argument I make to say that I was good at least some of the time...is she right? I am caught between being angry at W and hating myself.
I am sorry. I know this is not exactly the forum for me to vent my insecurities and fears about myself. But I needed to reach out to someone who might answer me, and you guys are the only ones I know to reach out to. I am scared, and alone, and I don't know what to think. I have no other friends.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
