DBing, European style

[Papa4Life]

Journalling:

These really are the times that try men's souls. So, W went for an overnight visit with a friend last night. I set out to be incredibly cooperative and supportive with everything she needed to do as one of my 180s, and this weekend I really wanted to keep that going. As I mentioned previously, a friend of W's asked if we could babysit two of their kids, and W asked me if that would be okay, since she wanted to leave at a certain time, which would mean that I would be alone with the six kids for a while. I assured her that would not be a problem, and I think all the kids had a pretty good time. We played out in the yard and I took everybody to the playground. Then, when we got home, I made spaghetti and everybody had a nice dinner together. The W neglected to mention that she also needed to pack her overnight bag and get dressed before she left, which essentially left me alone with the kids the entire afternoon rather than just an hour or so after she left and before the kids got picked up. This friend of W's is one of her closest 'confidantes', which means she probably knows what's happening in my sitch than even I do! When she came to drop off the kids, she could barely make eye contact with me. It was so awkward. And usually she is very friendly to me and I can crack her up with jokes and all. But yesterday it was pretty much all business.

I dunno, I say that I'm not really concerned about an OM with my wife, but today I've been somewhat obsessing about it. Not that one might exist, but the fact that it would mean that she had lied to me about it, claiming to go visit a female friend of hers.

This morning, I made "pannekoeken" for the kids and then we went to the swimming pool (indoor) for a few hours. The kids had a blast, and best of all, we were out when W got home (shows that I'm doing my thing, not waiting at home for her to get back). I headed upstairs to take care of a translation project, and when I came downstairs in my running gear, W called me over to read an e-mail she had written to our financial advisor. Until now, W had said she didn't want to go to him about the situation, but apparently she has decided to just use him anyway, presumably just to get it taken care of as quickly as possible. Rats. I was surprised at first, and told W so. To her credit, D9 was in the room, but W closed the e-mail when D9 came over to see what we were looking at. She seems to be onboard with not letting the kids know anything until D-day.

Thank goodness I was already on my way out for a run when this blow came. I really went for it for the full half-hour and it really worked out some frustration. What I want most of all is to say to my W, don't do this. I love you now more than ever and I'm willing to do everything in my power to save my family from this devastation. Has everything I've done up until now been all for nothing? Is there no part of her that sees that I'm dedicated to making these changes permanent? And why, for that matter, do these hits always come after a period in which I feel like I'm at the top of my game?

W just came in as I was typing away and wanted to ask about an appointment we have on Friday with the MC (I'm starting to think of her as a DC). Ahh...the moment of truth. I tried to be tactful and calm as I told her that I was planning not to go to that appointment on Friday. She told me that she felt like that wasn't a good idea because she feels that the MC can help us draw up our "plan" for the future. So, now she wants to make an appointment for Thursday to discuss our plans with each other rather than with the MC. I don't know what to do when she brings up this stuff. She mentioned that she knew I wanted time to work on things, but I clammed up about it completely. I just don't know what to do when she starts to take concrete steps while I am trying my hardest to keep her from walking out.

Our financial situation is a bit of a dog's breakfast, too. I have missed out on several translation projects over the past couple of months because of my own emotional turmoil and because I've been trying to give her space to work more if she needs to and to do things after work. It certainly hasn't helped our financial situation. I know how much her job means to her, so I've been talking to her like crazy about her work, listening attentively, and giving her all the space I can give her. I just don't know what else to do when she starts talking about taking concrete steps out the door. I don't think the LRT is working...