Charting a New Course

[makingmagic]

over here P2~~~

what made you decide it was time to try to approach and be more affectionate towards wifey?

[Pathfinder2]

Things just weren't changing. We were in a holding pattern. It seemed like each of us was waiting for the other to move. The other thing is, I just guess I decided I was "ready".

I think I decided, "Ok, this is stupid! Let's stop doing this crap and let's get back to being normal again"!

[Pathfinder2]

Now, that doesn't mean my wife has had this same "revelation" come over her, but that's where I am coming from.

[Pathfinder2]

btw, WFM, check your last thread. I had posted over there before I knew you had closed it out.

[makingmagic]

WOW P2, that's kind of gutsy for you to do. What if she doesn't like it and just hasn't told you? What if she isn't ready for it all? What does she say? Has she initiated any R talks?

[Pathfinder2]

I think that my actions over the past 6 months have been viewed by her as very passive. Women in general are not attracted to men who are passive. If a man doesn't have the ba!!s to make a move or step out and take some risk, a woman won't find that flattering.

I know my wife is a very strong willed person. She will walk all over someone who won't be decisive and stand up on their own. She abhors a person who has no backbone. If she perceives me that way, we are finished and it will be my fault for not doing anything about it.

I have always been perceived by others as sure of myself, decisive, determined and goal oriented. That is who my wife married. My fault had been that I was very judgmental, and I would push for what I wanted until I got it, no matter what she said she wished for.

I have set my mind to going back to who I was before all of this marital mess. Here is where one of my 180's comes into play. The difference is, now I will be looking out for my wife first, then our daughters and myself. I don't have to become a pushover or a unuch to achieve that. What I need to do is listen to her heart and show her love instead of selfishness.

[Pathfinder2]

WFM,

If she doesn't like my moves, I will find out sooner or later. In the mean time, I will feel much more comfortable being myself instead of who I am told I should be or who a book tells me I should be or what I think I should change into.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying not to make changes. I am absolutely convinced that there are changes that I needed to make and continue to carry out. I also am certain that I will continue to make changes and adjustments as I learn more. I am open to criticism and counsel. But I also know that my wife was attracted to ME and NOT some other person into whom I could try to become. I need to be MYSELF, but the improved version.

[makingmagic]

Does your coach agree?

[Pathfinder2]

My coach sees the changes in the dynamics of our relationship as good signs. I haven't spoken to him about the part of me being myself, but I think you will find that MWD talks about that in DR. You can't try to be a person you are not. You don't try to become the person your spouse is flirting with or having an affair with. If you do try that, you are destined to fail. Your spouse will see right through it, see it as needy behavior and be repulsed by it.

GAL, be yourself, make your 180's. Show respect for yourself. Love your spouse, but let them go. You can't control them. You only are in charge of yourself. Be yourself, but make vast improvements. FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

One of the things my coach asks is what I am doing for GAL. He wanted to make sure that I was doing things that I was interested in doing and NOT what I thought my WIFE would be wanting me to do or what my WIFE would be interested in. This confirms my thoughts on "be myself".

[mrtwopointfour]

I feel like I am in a very similar boat. My wife is very strong willed and amazing at arguing. She will and is walking all over me at the moment and I feel constantly criticised and picked on. If I try and be assertive I am argued with, if I don't i feel like I am gaining no respect. It's very exhausting, so I admire you having the ba!!s to give it a go.