I have been on here posting for some time, but took a break for about a month. Unfortunately my old stitch is locked so I can't send a link to it. Long story short, my H walked out last September, lived with his parents for 3 mths moved back in with me for 3 months and now we are apart again. I recently bought my own house and he is living in a rental house till end of May. We have done marriage therapy, retrouvaille, personal therapy etc. As most, there are several reason for him leaving, but none that include an affair.
We have been apart for a couple of weeks now. We share custody of the kids and are very civil to each other, however there is still a lot of anger and he is constantly bringing up the past and how I have hurt him.
He has mentioned that he does not want a divorce, but is really struggling with seeing how we can make it work. He has been putting forth an effort meaning, wanting to hang out with the kids and me and calling me during the day (something he hasn’t done for years), but we end up fighting about the past. I still want to reconcile, but I am getting to my breaking point. I don’t know how much longer emotionally I can take this. It really affecting the kids. I feel I need to know if there is a future or not. I just need some closure. I told him that I don’t know how much longer I can take this and he said “Its only been 2 weeks” I said well “2 weeks since we have been apart, but its been 7 mths for me” We are both on this journey, but in drastically different places.
I have been doing a lot of work on myself, therapy, I took 2 weeks off to just relax. I am heading on a yoga retreat for a week by myself. My H hasn’t done anything (well I guess in my eyes). I am heading out of town this weekend for Easter and of course he normally would come, but says he needs to reflect on his life so hes staying home. Not sure if that’s a copout or he is really going to reflect.
He told me that he set a goal of 1 month to figure things out, but he is not where he expected himself to be. (not sure what that means to be honest – whether he is afraid to move back in and the relationship fails again or that he knew he would have a clear vision that he should leave the marriage)
I will continue by 180’s, but I am not sure how much longer I can. Can anyone share their success stories about being separated for a long period of time and getting back together and making it work. Am I giving up too soon? Is 7 mths not long enough? We have been apart for a couple of weeks and in those 2 weeks I have started to see some changes
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
The length if time is really up to the individual and how long they want to continue. Some say they'll continue as long as it takes, others decide they have a shorter timeline. Ultimately it's up to you. Believe me, I wish there were a magic timetable that everyone fit in.. This would be so mug easier for all of us.
Keep your head up.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
So yesterday was my 10 year wedding anniversary and I have been dreading this day since the BD. H asked me on Wednesday if I wanted to go for dinner on Friday night. I agreed and we had a very nice dinner, no fighting, no discussion of the relationship. Just a fun time. He also gave me a card and it read
Happy 10 year anniversary I hope we can make things work between us.
When I read the card, my heart sank in a Bad way. I had no expectations of even receiving a card from him, however those words for some reason just left me feeling empty. there is still so much uncertainty with him. I have been feeling that things have been getting better and I was hoping for more tHan that. I think my expectations are way to high, but I don't know how to lower them. I ts probably time I read divorce busting again.
We spent the day together with the kids and it was good. No fighing. However when he left tonight he said I know we need to talk about the relationship at some time but I am not ready. I am till too angry. I can't fathom this anger he has for me. I have for months tried to understand it, but I can't.
I keep hearing about these relationships that have turned around for the better and it's all because they made a DECISION to work on the marriage. We also learned this at retro. Why can't my H make a decision? He said he hopes things work between us.
He signed the lease on his rental house for another month till the end of may at which time he has to leave as it has already been rented starting June 1.
One minute I feel good about everything and really hopeful and then the next I feel like giving up and walking away.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
WOW AM... your h wants to work thru this !! don't you see that?.... be patient, give him more time & space.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I feel he's doing it because " it's the right thing to do" meaning its right for the kids etc. he's not doing it because he really feels it. And I don't even know if I should care why he's doing it, just that he is. I am way too analytical and I do a lot of self destruction mentally. I have to stop this behaviour and I don't know how. I am in therapy and we have addressed this but I can't seem to stop doing it.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
Do yourself a favour, read your previous post and tell me all the positives?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I understand there are a lot of positives. But I feel it's all so forced and that this is all going to blow up into another bomb drop again. With him saying " well at least I tried".
I find that everytime I step back from the relationship he is very interested. The minute I show any interest he backs down. I don't know if its a control thing or not. I know I should be backing down, however he has felt that I never loved him the entire marriage so backing down is giving him what I had always done.
I have no IDEa how to act. I am literally driving myself crazy.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
Also I need advice on something. So currently we have shared custody and when the kids go to his house they are very upset and sad because they are not seeing me. They often cry for an hour before bed.
This was his weekend with the kids, but the kids didnt want to stay with him and he said to me last night that during this time ( meaning not sure what will happen with us) that we shouldn't force the kids to stay at his house unless they want too.
The kids are already so confused. First he moves out and visits the kids, then he moves back in with us, now hes out Again and we had very strict custody rules and now he's flopping again saying the kids should chose. This is just so confusing for them. I don't know if I should make him stick to the rules or not. I want what's best for my kids
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
