Ok guys, I have been doing awesome with GAL. I have not had much time with W over the past week. When we have been together it has been upbeat and pleasant. I have just made a point to go do "stuff". Now tonight W is staying in the other room. She has not done this in a while now. She gave no explanation and I didn't ask. I was putting our girls to bed and while I was gone she went to the other room.
I have said this before and caught some heat on here but it seems like the more I GAL and the more I withdraw (lovingly), the more W withdraws. We have been getting along so much better recently and now she goes to the other room to sleep. I don't get it. I only saw her for about 10 minutes on Friday. I was gone with the girls all day on Saturday. We met W for dinner which went well. Came home and the girls and W stayed downstairs and I went upstairs to watch TV. I didn't really see her the rest of the night.
So I wonder. Is my GAL and withdrawing pi$$ing her off? Is she happy about it and just trying to accelerate the process of our going our separate ways? I know that this is all mind reading. But Michelle says to do what works and this doesn't seem to be working. It seems we are going the wrong direction.
Do I try to hang around her more at home? Not follow her around but, like tonight, should I have stayed downstairs for a while with everyone?
So frustrated!!!
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
She obviously still wants her space. Give it to her or she will take it. If she wants you, I'm pretty sure she'll find you. Don't worry about what she's thinking, 'cause you don't know. Besides, no matter what she's thinking, it shouldn't really change your course.
As for "should I have stayed downstairs for a while with everyone?" Sure, as long as that's what you want for you and your kids. Don't do it just because you think it will please W or fix the relationship.
Don't over think this stuff. No single encounter is going to make or break the M. Get comfortable with your new life, show confidence around W. Turning these things around takes time. Are you in it for the long haul? It sounds to me like you are. Settle in my friend! Be the rock for your family. You can do this.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks for the encouragement FY. I went upstairs last night because I did figure that was what W wanted. Trying to give her as much space as possible. Maybe I shouldn't have.
She wakes up this morning and comes into our room talking and being just as friendly as ever. Still no mention of staying in the other room.
Again just frustrating!
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
So it looks like i may have found out why W stayed in the other room last night. As I was just now leaving to take the girls to the park (W was invited but declined) W asked if we were going to stay gone all day again like yesterday. I replied that she was also gone all day yesterday too (shopping). She said that it wouldn't have mattered if she came home because no one was here. Now this may have nothing to do with me and everything to do with the kids being gone but nevertheless that seems to be the reason she stayed in the other room last night.
Give her space. Don't give her space. I have no idea what to do.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
W asked if we were going to stay gone all day again like yesterday. I replied that she was also gone all day yesterday too (shopping).
You sound like you're basing your actions on hers.
Quote:
She said that it wouldn't have mattered if she came home because no one was here.
And she bases her actions on yours.
Round and round we go!
Be yourself, Grizz. Sounds like she's trying to tell you she was offended that you decided to "avoid" her. Could be wrong, but that's how I hear it.
Remember, just as you are over thinking things, she probably is too. You do something that causes her to do something in response, which then causes you to do something.... and so on and on it goes.
Listen to what she said. Sounds like she considered coming home, but saw it as pointless. Open the door. See what happens.
I guess I am basing my actions on her in that I am actively trying to do things that I enjoy without her such as doing things with my girls. I have always been very active with my girls so this is really no different. It is just that W no longer does things with us and I have been doing even more with them away from the house.
I agree that she sounded offended that I was staying gone. But honestly I figured that was what she would want.
So, we came home early from the park. Maybe she is just missing the kids. I just wish she could find what she wants. Have I mentioned in my posts today that i am frustrated?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Well, I should've just stayed at the park. The friendliness that we have had over the past few weeks has turned to coldness this weekend. Since being home she keeps talking to me through the kids. She even asked them to listen to something she wrote for work while I was sitting there too. They have no idea what it even means. Ugh!!!
I stayed away yesterday and that was no good. I came home today and that was no good. I am giving odds that she sleeps in the other room tonight. Any takers?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
As I guessed it, she is back in the other room tonight. Given the fact that things seemed to have been getting better and there was not one specific event that happened to get her to go back into the other room, why not ask her what changed? It can be done without arguing or being accusatory. A simple, "can I ask you a question? Why did you go back into the other room again."
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
As I guessed it, she is back in the other room tonight. Given the fact that things seemed to have been getting better and there was not one specific event that happened to get her to go back into the other room, why not ask her what changed? It can be done without arguing or being accusatory. A simple, "can I ask you a question? Why did you go back into the other room again."
I agree the questioning could be done without arguing or being accusatory, but will asking bring you closer or pull you farther apart? I'm guessing it will be the latter.
Wise DB'ers have told me not to ask questions I'm not prepared to hear the answer to. The fact is she doesn't want to sleep with you right now for whatever reason. You asking why will be putting pressure on her to return to your bed. I don't see how this can help.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
