NILWY - There is this "chemistry" b/w us

[Kim65]

I have been reading the forums for the past 10 weeks and I finally have the courage to ask for help and advice.

My partner and I have been together for over 8yrs. Our R has always been “easy”. We have never had any huge arguments or fights, the odd disagreement maybe but that is only normal in any R. Have laughed a lot, both at each other and with each other. I have always trusted H and he has M. We are both good souls and everyone has always said how great we are together. H is well like be everyone that he meets…. He is both my love and my best friend.

On the 10th of Jan this year I came home for lunch and noticed that he was upset. I asked him to tell me what was wrong. H then told me that he had been having a PA for the past month and that he cared deeply for me, but didn’t love me any more. H said it’s noting that I had done, it’s him, he’s changed?? I of course was shocked, upset and furious . Did the no no’s, like how could you do this to us, I love you so much, called the OW all the names under the sun ect ect….. I had no idea, but had felt that he had been distant and not quite his normal self over that time.

The OW is known to me, she has been in our home, we have been out socially together. H and OW work at the same school although in different areas. I have always felt a little uncomfortable about their friendship. I would get a vibe from OW that she wanted more just by the way she spoke to him, her actions ect and if I was to be honest I would say that H knew. She has been unhappy in her marriage for a number of yrs. I now realise that they have been having an EA maybe since May/June last year. I had questioned H about OW and he said “don’t be silly, she is just a good friend, nothing would ever happen between them…. I remember H saying one day that “OW is a great person but she is such a ditz sometimes”..

I left for a couple of days and said he needed to think about which path he wanted to take. On my return H said that he wanted to be on his own, didn’t want to be with any one, felt pulled both ways. Didn’t want me to leave, loves having me around, said for me to stay as long as I wanted and of course I wanted to stay but had said to H there was no way I could stay if I started seeing OW again.

Over the past couple of months I have followed the DB way the best that I could. I haven’t put any pressure on H, have been the best M that I could be. Not mentioned our R or his with OW. I’ll admit that I have had a couple of meltdowns earlier on where he’s seen me upset. During one of those times H said that he wished it had never happened, it all happened so quick and that often he wished he could be swallowed up by a black hole. And no he wasn’t seeing OW.

We have been getting along really well, just trying to be our normal selves. We have been sleeping in separate rooms and no PT apart from the odd hug here and there when either of us has been upset. I hadn’t noticed any changes in his “normal” routine except that he seemed to be taking a little longer to finish at the gym.

The 25th of March H says he can’t lie to me any more, that he has continued to see OW and that he loves her. H said that we both need to move on. He will sell the house and give me half. Rent somewhere on his own or maybe with OW. I asked him to please be honest with me, what is it that I have done, what is it that she has that I don’t?? Is it emotional or physical?? H said it’s nothing that you have done, you are a beautiful person I don’t want to hurt you any more….. there is just this “chemistry” between us…(H & OW)

I truly unsure of what is going on with him…. I told H that I can’t stay here while he is seeing OW. H still says you don’t have to leave, you can stay as long as you want. H still wants to go on our holiday that we had organised and paid for last October, 2012. I said to him what if OW doesn’t want you to go, H said I don’t care I’m going on this holiday with you. The only way I won’t be going is if I’m dead.

H has not spoken about this to any of our friends, who were his friends first, or his family. If anyone rings and had asked how we are he says “yeah we’re good, not doing much”…. I have kept quiet so as not to rock the boat.

I am now looking for a unit to move into. H today left today to “get away” for a week.. and of course OW has gone with him.

Some days are a struggle and my heart truly aches, but I’m trying to stay strong for myself…… What probably hurts the most is that he just gave up on us and hasn’t given us a second chance …… It would be sooo much easier is I hated him, but I don’t …….. I still have a little hope in my heart.