A BETTER FRAME OF MIND??????

[jstx]

Ellie,

Actually, the coffee thing wasn't a "tit-for-tat" I try to make it when I have time, and I try to have time. But that morning I was running late. I just noted it because she made such a big deal out of ignoring the cup I gave her the previous morning. She does this stuff all the time and then acts like nothing happened.

I've thought of going out too. And eventually, I will but the truth is, I'm still tired from my last trip and the fact that I haven't had a day off in while. This is the first weekend I'll really have free and I'm helping D move into a new place.

Give me a couple of weeks and I will be taking off if this continues. I'd rather go out with her, but if the choice is sitting at home or going out alone, I won't be home.

[zero12]

Now... if I answer that, she doesn't want to talk about it. If I don't answer, she gets mad.

Don't make assumptions. Since when have you been able to predict what she'd do next anyway. --z

[MAL]

JS,
I know you must be exhausted. You've been going pretty steady for several months now. Some time off would do you good.

I was thinking the same things as Ellie when I read your post. You should go out too, even if it's alone. Act like you have a life without her. Knowing the way she has reacted at other things you've done....I think she'll take notice.

However, she may also get very mean. I've noticed that she tends to get that way when backed into a corner. Regardless, this is your life too, and you may as well live it the best you can.

Any chance you can get some rest while on your trip next week, maybe even extend it a day and do something for you?

During some of my hardest times, when my PMA was the lowest, it was generally a time when I was also tired. Once I got some rest, the PMA lifted off!

Maybe if you are refreshed when you come back home, you'll be able to muster some more patience and energy...giving her some time to work through things.

One more thing....
How are those goals coming?

[MAL]

And when she says she's going out? Pull together the best "act as if" you can, and tell her how great that would be for her to have some fun. Every time she does something that is not time with you, whether she is with friends or not, support her.

I know that will be hard for you, but you can do that. Heck, you're still there aren't you??

You give her that happy reply a few times, and I think she'll notice.

Even if you try to hide it, I bet she picks up on your every reaction to what she does. Can you hide them and see what happens?

Like we've discussed before, your goal here is to break the pattern. We can't control other people, but we can control ourselves.

I may not be in the same sitch as you, but I have dealt with what you are facing right now. It's not much fun, and it takes a lot of courage and strength to walk that line. {{{jstx}}}

[jstx]

Hi Mal, Z, Kewl...and all

Thanks for the reponses. I'm working on the PMA thing. It's usually pretty good, but definitely not 100% of the time. Too often, I let W's moods get me down. LOL, after two years of this stuff I still haven't detached.

Goals are a little fuzzy. Mostly centered around getting D settled in her new apartment, get to as many as YS's games as possible and travel with him to look at schools. Right now he's gotten a few pretty strong feelers from a couple of colleges. No firm offers yet but a couple of them are persistently calling.

Personal goals have taken a back seat to work right now. Until we get this project done, Hopefully that will be soon and I can get back into running and exercising regularly.

Finally, time is approaching to sell the house and move on to the next assignment. At the end of the month I'll call a realtor and see when we should put it on the market in order to ensure we sell it by early summer.

Probably should have more, but I'll settle for those right now.

Z says -
Don't make assumptions. Since when have you been able to predict what she'd do next anyway. --z

Who said it was an assumption? I never know what she'll do for the most part, but she is consistent in not wanting to talk to me about anything other than the weather.

[MAL]

JS,
Detachment? To be honest, I think the only reason I was able to detach was that H moved on without me. Had I still been trying to make it work, I don't think I could detach. That's hard to do. So don't kick yourself too hard. My H was all over the place emotionally, which meant I was too. Thank goodness I had patience.

You're in a very strange situation too when dealing with your W....emotions swinging back and forth like a pendulum. Just try to be in a different room when it swings back your way.

Good to see you post some goals. Put your focus on those. They will help keep you centered on life, and not on your W. It might keep your emotions stable too, and keep you from losing patience with her. When you feel the urge to "go off", come here and vent to us. We promise to be nice.

Remember that as you work on your goals that they are things YOU can control, and do not have to be about your W or your R. I see that you did that in this list you started. That's great!

And like folks said yesterday, once you start placing focus in other areas, and not on her, she might start to turn back towards you. The trick though...If she does, don't stop what you're doing. Keep living and enjoying life. As I recall, when she saw you doing other things last year, she started getting curious and jealous. You eventually had a real date with her, and got into MC. Do you think that your behavior maybe helped push her to those things?

The personal area of physical fitness has always been a big part of your life, and I know it's part of your job. Maybe getting back into that routine will help stabilize your PMA and your own emotions. As well, stabilizing those and putting some focus on YOU might help you with the detachment that you are seeking. And running gives you time with your thoughts and is a great stress reliever.

I didn't see "getting out and having fun" on your list. I do hope you are planning some fun stuff too. All work and no play makes Texas a dull place.

Colleges calling huh? Which sport? He's obviously multi-talented. You must be proud.

Good Luck with moving your D this weekend. I know that will make you feel relieved.

Have a great weekend!

[KutieKat]

WOW

you have been dealing with this a very long time, so i can definitely understand the whole being tired thing

couple of questions jstx

is she on any type of meds to help with what is obvious her going thru depression?

are you on anything to help you get thru the really low periods that piecing brings?

you mention that she considered mc? did that happen? if not, is that still a possibility?

michelle is so right on the money when she says that one can pull this off, but that one needs HELP, either in form of therapy or meds or association or doing the things that will constantly bring the pma up.

if you really want this r to work, your going to have to take care of yourself first...that is primo

[jstx]

Hi all.

Spent the weekend getting D settled in a new place and spending money. Now that school has started I hope she can keep busy enough to keep her mind off her R. Somethings I just think will take time.

W didn't go out there with me. She got selected for jury duty and felt she needed to get some things caught up at work before she left for a week. I was hoping to get back on Saturday evening but it was raining there so I stayed until Sunday to finish things up.

I called the house and left a message that I wouldn't be home and she called back wanting to talk, mostly about D and how she was doing, but she was pleasant.

I got home late yesterday afternoon and helped her get ready for this week. I know she's nervous.

Kitti,

W is not on any medication now. She was but decided to stop taking them last September or October when she was really sick. She doesn't want to start taking them again and won't discuss it. She says she is still going to her Counselor but I don't know when her last appointment was. She seems to use any excuse to cancel or postpone.

I think W realizes, at least a little, that she has problems, but I'm not sure to what degree. I do know that she desperately wants to feel like she's taking care of this herself. She was very reluctant to take any medication so I'm not surprised she quit. Don't like it, but not surprised.

Am I on anything? LOL I medicate quite often with my friend Jack. He has helped quite a bit and we've become rather close.

We have sporadically attended MC and I'm working toward getting us back into it, but she doesn't seem enthused right now. First, it was "Do you think we need to?" then, "Let's get D settled into a new place for school first." Now it's "Let me get this jury duty thing over with..." There may be another excuse after that, we'll see.

I guess one piece of good news is that I scored some points this weekend. I cancelled my trip when I found out W had jury duty. My boss wasn't happy, but someone has to watch the dogs and YS. (although YS doesn't think so ).

I think W was surprised when I told her I'd stay home. She thinks I always put the job first.


MAL,

I'm working on the fun thing, but still kind of busy. We were basically locked down when we first got back from the trip so we could finish the paperwork and wrap up a few things. Then I had to get D settled.

Next weekend, it's going to look at college's w/YS. There are a couple of schools that have been calling a couple times a week. They aren't as big as I was hoping for, but still, I think he's more interested in playing than in going to a bigger school and he'll definitely play at these schools.

I'm not sure who's idea these kids were....They are a lot like work.

[Dagny]

The one piece of advice that seems to be consitent in any marriage saving/relationship improving book that is out there is the Get a Life one. Focus on you and what is important/fun for you. And develop/rediscover new things. Nothing is as attractive as a happy and confident person and I think that comes from being active and doing.

Also, being a PSU fan does prove that one has tenancity..

Jackie

[MAL]

JS,

Your kids are a lot of work? You must be doing something wrong. Mine are EASY! (Yeah right!)

Good luck with the school search. It sounds like some good quality time with YS, don't you think? Is your W going to go school shopping with ya'll?

Are you taking advantage of the alone time this week? With the project behind you, and your W in Waco....maybe you can get in some JS time?? And I'm not referring to JD time. That's different.

Dagny gave some great advice....focus on you. When YOU are healthy all around, it makes for a healthier R too. I know for a fact that I am much more attractive when I am all around "together". Your W will notice!

Take care Big Guy!