Hi Val. thank you for your post. It helped calm me.

To answer. If it weren't for the pain I would be bubbly, chatty, excited to have the family together.

I know I can still be that person despite the pain.

I was feeling hurt not just because of the phone call. I realise it was the kindness in his tone of voice. It was like a slap in the face. I hadn't heard that voice for years. It made me see how poorly he talks to me and how much he dislikes me. When he is nice to me he must be just pretending.

He looked at me with a question mark on his face when iasked him not to speak with her at my house. I said ' I can tell when you are speaking to a woman on the phone' he said he speaks to all women on the phone like that.

I looked aT him in disbelief ... I'm pretty sure I am a woman too.

Val thank you for highlighting the detachment vs healing dynamic. I can see that difference now. I not dependent on him but I do still have healing to do.

I need to accept that this makes me sad. That I am still hurt.

And your right. Our old dynamic was toxic. I guess I could say I am pleased to be able to recognise it now and have th skills to diffuse it and hopefully next time avoid it

NLW- I think they are so angry at us. I think H just sees me as 'the problem'and nothing else. At least it shows me that he is masking his true feelings and fears with his happy to lucky persona. It helps me deal in empathy.

Tori I have been thinking a lot about what you said regrading your thoughts on your H living with limited awareness. When I read that I thought of my H- limited awareness the need to always be right.

Little thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I agree both situations simply sukk

I have to admit I got a little catty this morning with H. This morning H used a word that OWuses with her dogs ( she used to be my friend i know tgis woman). i just looked at him and ahook my head. now, My kids want to get a dog and for some reaaon they brought it up today. H went on about how they have to be taken care of. He has never had a let in his life but OW has like 4 dogs. So I looked at him and laughed and said yes I guess you would know about taking care of dogs and b!tches. So bad of me. I have to say, he laughed too.

It was a moment... A moment of me feeling and thinking that this is such a farce. It didn't bother me .. I didn't give a sh!t. Now what is that about?

TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home