Letting Go & Moving Forward

[AnotherStander]

So, H says, "I've been thinking about having the boys stay over every Sat night." ---which he's NEVER mentioned to me! I went to about a 8 1/2 at that point and said I would not agree to that and that he hadn't mentioned it to me.

I'm curious why you reacted so negatively to this? I mean, you do want H involved in their lives don't you? Personally I'm a firm believer in boys having a strong father figure in their lives. One night a week doesn't seem like much to me, I'm surprised you pushed back so hard on this. I hope you're not trying to use the boys to "punish" your H (IE, "you left us so I'm not letting you have them at all!")

C says to me "Well, if you went the legal route (we haven't even mentioned the word LEGAL or DIVORCE in ANY conversation we've had), he would be entitled to them one night each weekend or every other weekend."

C is correct. Unless there's physical abuse.

Now, I KNOW this, but H hasn't really had any interest in having them over yet. AND, I have had it my way to have them here at home with me ALWAYS.

But he's expressing interest now, that's a GOOD thing!!! He's been pushing his family away and now is showing the first signs of pulling them back. Remember, the LBS is the first to get pushed away and the last to get pulled back. You could be seeing the first positive steps towards his return. I'm not trying to get your hopes up, but I do want to point out that you're painting this in a bad light when actually it's a positive sign IMO.

Now, I know things will change gradually, but it ANGERED me that this IC got involved! She is my boys IC, not a marital C, not my C, not my H's C. She definitely overstepped her boundaries and made things worse!

I disagree, she was well within her boundaries to talk about visitation with H, because it is a very healthy thing for boys to spend time with their dad. It was your REACTION to it that made things worse. I think if you could step back for a second you'd see your reaction was out of anger and bitterness towards H when your reaction should purely be based on what is best for the boys.

And, then she turned to my H and asked, "Don't you think things have been in limbo long enough? Where are you with everything?"

Now here I would agree that she overstepped her boundary. She's not an MC.

I went to a 10 at that point!! I stood up and said, "I don't want to hear this again! I've heard this & can NOT hear it again!" Then I got up & walked out of her office & out the door still escalated.

Work on that detachment!! If you were detached you would have met this with indifference or (better yet) validation.

It still baffles me WHY they haven't moved into a PA! I think then I could just be completely done. I even said to my SIL on Sunday night, "I just want it to be over!"

It'll never be over, you and H will be in a relationship the rest of your lives because you have children together. I've read over and over again where divorced couples say years down the road that if they knew how inextricably linked they were to their former spouse that they never would have divorced.

But, this week was the first time I really felt "done"...like I think it might be better if he just asked for a D.

You're not even close to being done. If you were, then you would be completely detached. The things that he says and does would have no impact on your emotional state. At that point you could realistically ask yourself if you're prepared to end things.

[ThisDayForward]

AS ^^^^^ spot on. Gto read this please

[littleGTO]

Okay, came on tonight and read all the great feedback and advice you all had for me. So, thank you!!

You're right,AS, I'm not even close to being done. I just so want this roller coaster ride to STOP! And, I do know I need to detach. Obviously I've not done a good job with this at all.

I have reflected on WHY I had such an emotional reaction to my boys' C last week when she pushed the whole "visitation" thing. #1- I thought H & I had been working through this ourselves fairly well. #2- She is not our MC & I did not see that conversation coming from her in a million years. #3 I fear losing my full-time mom role- plain & simple.

BUt, I can see that having the boys ALL the time is draining me...I am simply going through the motions of life and not finding any real enjoyment day to day. I am NOT engaging w my boys regularly like I used to & I feel awful b/c I am with them so much.

When I brought up the whole "one night/day per weekend" that H mentioned during the C session he backpedaled. He didn't seem to really want that, nor is his apartment set up to have the boys regularly (no beds at all for them). I asked if he wanted to take them this Friday night and he said "no, I have an early morning (8am) conference to get to."

While this is true, he is going w OW- ALL DAY, ON A SATURDAY. WHICH HE HAS NEVER DONE IN HIS ENTIRE CAREER! I'm trying not to think about it, but when he uses it as an excuse not to have the boys, well....

GAL--I am going to play VB Friday night for the first time since, well h.s., I think! I used to be a good little players but that was many, many years ago! I just hope I don't hurt myself!

Oh, and I agree that my boys NEED to see their dad! He sees them every day after school. And, most times sees them both Sat and Sun on the weekends. So, I am NOT keeping the boys from him or him from the boys at all. He's never asked to have the boys over where I didn't let him (both times).

In two weeks the boys have April vacation from school & H will be spending the weekdays with them every day all day. I am happy the boys will have so much time with him. I think they really need it. Then the week after I have a vacation from work (time didn't work out for me to have the same week), so I don't know what I'm going to do, but I will GAL!!!! I'll have to start planning!!

Thanks again for all the great feedback. I love you guys for the amazing support you offer me here!!!

[labug]

GTO, I admire the fact that you can read those posts and come back here and be honest.

So how are you going to work on not having those emotional reactions?

[tori2012]

GTO, keep examining the underlying motives for your behavior. This will give you clarity and help you cope.

I hope you're having fun at Volleyball!

[JuneReN]

Okay Turtle, your kids are your crutches, I did the same. They also are great excuses, I did the same. Of course mine are older, so free time is a lot easier for me.

This has nothing to do with your H or your kids and everything to do with you, you know that. Unfortunately you guys are all a family and it is hard to separate all those feelings. When your worth is tied up in your kids and husband and your husband is gone and all that are left are the kids and then he wants part of that too, your reaction is normal.

I know we are supposed to have our own self worth, and most days we do, I feel it here. But some days we are just stunned by the enormity of the situation and the fact that we have been left behind when it was supposed to be for always. I get this and I so understand.

You are working through your emotions and I see it as they are laid out and you go forward. I see growth and movement and acceptance bit by bit. The acceptance that you have your own value and own worth and are finding this out. That there is more...more to you, more to your relationships and more in store.

Keep moving yourself forward, look at your emotions, ask why, question your motives.

Also question whether you are meeting Tori and I in Boston on the 13th!!!

[ThisDayForward]

I live south of Boston

[littleGTO]

Thanks, labug, ruby & TOri,

ruby, This is spot on.

"This has nothing to do with your H or your kids and everything to do with you, you know that. Unfortunately you guys are all a family and it is hard to separate all those feelings. When your worth is tied up in your kids and husband and your husband is gone and all that are left are the kids and then he wants part of that too, your reaction is normal."

I never thought of my self worth in this way, but you are right!

No can do July 13th as I am taking my boys and meeting my family in the Wisconsin Dells for a little reunion/vacation. We did this 3 years ago in Gatlinburg & it was a lot of fun. How about the week before???

Went to play VB last night & had a good time. Met lots of new people & didn't injure myself (yeah, two goals met!). It does feel weird to be going out alone to spend time w people I've never met, but I'm hoping over time some of these "people" may become new friends. It does appear that ALL the people in these meetups are SINGLE, so that feels a little weird to me too, b/c I'm not single at this point (I do wear my wedding ring, so I would think that would speak volumes). Will probably try this same group in a couple of weeks.

Haven't seen H much this weekend and I have to say it makes my life soooo much less stressful. He went to a "work" conference today & OW had also gone, but to be honest I barely thought of him/them all day.

In fact he called late in the afternoon to find out about the boys' days & to let me know that he was coming to S9's soccer game at 6. He said conference was incredibly boring & he sounded tired. (I was glad he didn't sound excited about spending the entire day w OW and that he wasn't socializing into the evening w the "work group" who went.)

Need to do taxes tomorrow-ugh. So, H will be coming to hang out w boys while I plug away at what ultimately will be a disappointing return. Split in half, whatever it is.

One question- my C said to me on Thursday to "talk to a L before splitting our finances." H is pushing to have separate accounts asap as he wants his "financial freedom." Any thoughts about this???

[JuneReN]

It is spot on because I went through the same, but managed to come out the other side You will too, when you realize its okay

[JuneReN]

I live south of Boston

Well then, we expect to see you as well!! No excuses since you seem to be a heck of a lot closer than me!!