Grace, Love, Compassion & Faith - Huge Impact

[Valeska19]

The last time I journaled about an interaction with my x - I believe it was SIAS who said it was like an end scene of a movie....

.. so prepare for another story. 2 separate entries. The Cause and the Effect.


The Cause... aka the Story

I met x on Wednesday. I have grown to love fashion, so I dressed very feminine. A girl knows she looks good by the amount of heads that turn... and there were alot of heads turning...

I was thrown off by my x's appearance. She is still about the same weight from 2 years ago - which is considerable less than when she first started program... but her style is not.. well I don't even know the word that would be kind.. so but yah.

And I'll be honest, I took validation in that moment. For she is the woman who contributed to me feeling ugly.. I will not lie and say that part of me didn't enjoy that moment of knowing that I was more attractive.

But that was short lived. When I saw her - I was happy. We made good conversation, no awkwardness. I am always amazed by this. After a year of PMA - I'm definitely not faking it.

She bought me a smoothie and I ordered a protein shot in mine. I made a comment how I really wanted a Kale smoothie.. She looked at me like I was alien.

We walked in the park and talked alot of personal growth and grace. It seems we really connect on the idea of taking 100% responsibility for our actions.

Then she sat me down and asked if she could read me a letter. As a recap - my x has been in a 12 step program since July of 2010.

She made amends to me. She apologized for isolating me from the world, from my family. She apologized that she lied to me and ran from our problems. She apologized that she made no effort to change but punished me for not producing that changed life she wanted.

She apologized that in all of this.. the worst of all is that she made me feel not worthy. She made me feel unloved.

She apologized for killing my loving light.

And then she asked me if I would forgive her.

How many times I have wanted to hear just this.. how validated that everything I felt was true... left me speechless

And when I looked in her eyes and saw the tears.... my heart just filled with absolute love for the woman. I responded saying "I forgive you. I started to forgive you long ago, and I will continue to forgive you still because I cannot live this life without love in my heart and God clearly wants me to keep loving you. To love you because he loves you.. and that works for me."

We chatted about how God brought us together for this moment..

How even though she has been in program, she has yet to be able to treat me the way I deserved.. thus stopping all contact with me. Being around me stopped her growth.

she said that when writing the letter she realized how much she loved me, how she thought of me everyday and prayed for my happiness. And that I finally got the love I deserved.

I told her how I had to let go of expectation that amends meant being in each other's lives. She got a little confused here and thought I was asking the same question I always do. "Okay so what do we do NOW?"

I said that I wasn't.. but I believe in my heart that God doesn't want her out of my life.. and that he will reveal in time, what that means.

And that the destruction of our marriage wasn't her burden to bear alone. That as much as she made me feel worthless, I allowed it to happen.

She admitted to FB stalking.. to try and get a glimpse of my life. To make sure I'm well. She says she doesn't know my every day life, but she knows I am shining. That she will always remember when the therapist told me that I was going to be surprised about how well I would do after this is all over.

There were times when she put herself down. Times where she said things like "see... I just needed to get out of the way". I didn't respond.. although wish I would have told her to stop it. That it was never about her getting out of my way, it was about us being able to contribute to each other's lives in a positive way.

It was just so clear that she was changing - but not there yet. We continued to talk about life. I gave all the info she asked - but asked very little. I tried to guard my heart as much as I could because it's still painful to not be part of the wonderful change that is happening within her.

I ended the conversation first - and here is where we go back to the usual. (paraphrasing)

X: You know.. I'm not out of touch. I still don't know how I want you in my life. I mean I don't even know if we would get along.
Me: I have those thoughts too. But it seems we have something very deep in common. Our faith in God, and our willingness to grow at all costs.
X: We do. I just don't want the expectations, the pressure that comes along with it.
Me: I understand that. I really want us to just enjoy each other's company.. but I can't change who I am for you. I deeply love people and I don't know how not to invest in them. And I'm scared that if you're not comfortable, you will push me away the way you always have.
X: That makes sense.
Me: X - You are doing great things with your life. Keep tackling that fear. Keep believing you are worth happiness.. caz you are. If losing our marriage meant that you would learn that and it would lead to us both being healthier people.. I would sacrifice it a thousand times over. Honey - I am very proud of you.

She cried...

X: Well how about this? If we feel inclined to reach out... let's just do it.
Me: Okay.
X: Can I have a hug?
Me: Anytime
X: (Whilst hugging) Thank you for listening. Thank you for allowing me to make my amends.
Me: You're welcome.

And with that... I went back to my jeep and cried my eyes out. For the next two days, I would be on a rollercoaster I couldn't wait to get off of... but that's for another post.