I know I want to do what I can to save this M, but sometimes I look at W and think, can I just get on with life and do better. I know that sounds harsh but its mainly down to her attitude towards me right now.
It's all about perspective. How long did W try to make it work while she was unhappy? How many years did she stick it out, confused and not getting her LL?
So flip it....seems crappy to want to quit after a few months doesn't it?
I hate to be the one to break this to you guys but right now none of us are the better option in our S's eyes. If we were we wouldn't be on here.
Are we better than before? YES! Do we love our S's more then they understand or even care about? YES! Do we feel like and know in our souls that we're the best option? YES! Does any of that make a bit of difference? No.
Our S's see us much differently than we see ourselves, just as they see themselves differently than we do.
Can we find someone better than our S's that would appreciate us more? Maybe, maybe not... Remember we bring all the same baggage into a new R that we have in our M's until we make the changes in us and they've stuck. That takes time. Who knows what we'd get with the new R. At least with our S we know the pros and cons.
Only way for our S's to change their viewpoint in us is consistent change. They need to see our actions for the long term. Even if they don't change their minds about us we need to make the changes for us...right?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
It's all about perspective. How long did W try to make it work while she was unhappy? How many years did she stick it out, confused and not getting her LL?
So flip it....seems crappy to want to quit after a few months doesn't it?
I know I want to do what I can to save this M, but sometimes I look at W and think, can I just get on with life and do better. I know that sounds harsh but its mainly down to her attitude towards me right now.
It's all about perspective. How long did W try to make it work while she was unhappy? How many years did she stick it out, confused and not getting her LL?
So flip it....seems crappy to want to quit after a few months doesn't it?
Yes it does. And I don't think I would be able to give up, I think I just need to re-focus and get these short term Goals sorted. I'm still struggling with them and until I have them in place it feels a little like I am drifting.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
...until I have them in place it feels a little like I am drifting.
I don't think drifting is all that bad...just do so with a purpose.
There are a lot of ups and downs. That's normal. I think every time I thought I was ready to quit, I had a session with a DB coach and they helped me solidify my thoughts and put some goals together...worth a shot if you can swing it financially.
I don't think drifting is all that bad...just do so with a purpose.
My concern is more that i felt a week ago I was full of energy and everything I did was being done well. Now I am feeling exhausted and feel that I am losing my way a bit. Also without my goals set the purpose is not there. I really need to get some time to do these again.
I am considering a DB coach, finance is not great at the moment, and also need to get the timing right as I'm not based in the US.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Ya. You can only go so far on adrenaline. If you need a goal, make it one that only includes you. For instance that you will act one day, even if you are exhausted and tired and sad, like everything is good. Better than good, really really good Make small goals if you have to do that to keep yourself on track
This is all still very fresh, Mr 2.4, so you're feelings and sense of defeat has been felt by everyone else on this BB early on. Just know that it gets easier as you go along. It's like your life is a snow globe and W has given it a good shake. It will take some time for things to settle before you can see things clearly and start to realize what your goals are.
At any rate, it's still far too early to decide to give up completely, especially since you are still working on the core skill in DB: detaching. W happy = you happy, W sad = you sad, W angry = you angry. Detached: W happy = you happy, W sad = you happy, W angry = you happy.
When we lovingly detach we are able focus on ourselves and our responses to a situation. That's because detaching also applies to ourselves: rather than respond in an automatic, emotional matter, we bypass the logic parts of our brain that would otherwise think, hey, this is not an effective response because it will only get W upset and push her farther away. In this way, by being detached, we're able to respond in a calm, reasonable way, using validation and demonstrating concern for the other person's feelings that will make the other person feel valued and cherished.
It's a tough skill to learn and jeebus knows I've made mistakes with it in the past during my whole sitch, but it's absolutely fundamental to working on restoring a positive, mutually sustaining R.
So get to work!
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
