Well, I've had a bad day. Feeling very very alone.
Since renewed communication with H I've been really struggling with the idea that, even under the best DB circumstances, we just may not be able to get past some basic lifestyle differences. And it has made me question why I'm holding onto feelings for him? I should have just gone back to 'be curious about the future' and 'no expectations' but NOOOOO, I had to get down the box of letters and cards from our early days to really pour acid in my eyes and prove how much things have changed.
I could only look at a few cards and letters through the tears. One thing that really jumped out, though, was H wrote so many times 'thank you so much for your love & support', 'your support means everything to me'. And it's a big slap in the face because I know that I did not offer love and support for the last few years of our m. For me, it was survival & getting through the day without lashing out at the kids or H. I am so saddened by this. There was tons of neglect on H's part that contributed to our failed R, but it just shouldn't have happened and the damage feels to great to get past.
I wish I could have a brighter outlook on the future but today it feels like I'll never have love from H again and it makes me so sad. I've really been feeling more like my 'old self' lately and that's even sad, because the 'old H' seems to have disappeared and I fear it's forever.
I could just use some support today to dig myself out of this hole.
