My painting party wasn't for you, I like blue!

[albamarie]

Hi Rock,

I think after 2yrs of this I have gone beyond boundaries being enough. It's like tell a dog to stay, but you can hear him barking in the next room. HIs bark is bigger than his bite, but I'm sick of all the noise, it's just useless noise that comes out of his mouth.

There is no room during his deterioration, anger, rebelliousness, for any kind of reconciliation or even friendship, now or in the near future. I am not setting boundaries I am staying completely away, and he seems ok with that, but who know's, he has not had the experience of my absence.

Not that I believe that would change anything, MLC'ers don't care. But, it would be best for me, to be away from him. Still need to work on the how!!!!

Thanks for stopping by, don't get me wrong I don't take this lightly, I would love to L my H, and respect him and be a family, but that's not my choice anymore, that world has been scoped out from under me.

[RockJC]

I didn't read all your posts (it is a lot of reading), but it sounds like your husband has some real issues which require professional help and probably medication. He doesn't seem willing to take his issues seriously. You seem utterly frustrated and ready to move on to a new life.

Yet, you have not filed for divorce. I know it is a very personal question, but do you mind me asking why?

I know personally, I have talked with a spiritual mentor, and he advised me not to move forward until I can look my children in the eye and tell them that I did everything I could to save our family and keep it whole. I know that I am not there yet.

In your case, your children are adults and you have put in 2 years of painful effort. What is keeping you in this situation?

[albamarie]

I seem to have this thing that has followed me my whole life, that my issues become worse if I try to force them or take charge. I know that sounds weird, but I seem to do better if I let things with time and patients, present themselves to me and then seise the moment, rather than jumping in full force.

I took some charge with my mom a few months ago who loves to push me around. I thought by sticking up for myself and giving her some real boundaries regarding my life, that I was going to form a better R/her. It backfired on me and she wants nothing to do w/me anymore or my kids.

In God's hands and prayer for guidance is what seems to work best. I am still trying to have us live alone and be separated before jumping right into D. My spiritual advisor told me to not do anything, let him fall apart around me and face the sitch he created. Not to say don't end the M, but everything in it's time.

I have no M, or R or even friendship w/H anymore. That is gone! This stretch has no real answers and I am scared, especially of making the wrong move, so I read, wait, watch, and my day will come when I will pounce, it has really been too long, but it's not over until it's over.

[albamarie]

I don't really have any reason or benefit to staying M any more, if anything it is hurting me more than anything!

Red flags are waving!!!!

[RockJC]

I truly believe that God did not make us to be alone. We deserve to be loved and accepted for who we are, without compromise. 2 years is long time to be treated the way you are being treated.

[nero]

hey hi-

eek and i do not know-

i'm by myself- i am detached today totally. spent yesterday (12+ hrs) and today from early a.m. til now at hospital with my mother. ended up okay- i'm sooo tired. h is not here with me - (ever) when i could use a buddy . it stinks. i feel like not even talking to him - because honestly- why does he call and act concerned? if he was at all- he would be living with me and not screwing around down there by himself acting like he's young again.

being away- i hate that guy. i wonder about your sttement of not letting lonliness stop yhou and that you want more and better.

me too- one of my mom's drs was alovely guy- too darn young for me- but a lovely man. got me thinking- still alive in side - down deep somewhere. we'll see

anyway- sorry and glad at same time you're feeling what you do. you will find your way- like water seeking it's own level- drips and crawls thru the tiniest ways- somehow you will too.

i don't know about me- felt terrible first nite he was gone- thinking all the tings i do- last nite- slept poorly but just too tired after day of hospital stress to care.

tonite- who knows- i am just numb. his stupid fake phone calls put me off- i have nothing to say. why does he botyher i wonder?

i'm sick of the fakery and bs and what? i do not know what it is really- whether he is putting on some kind of show for someone - for himself? i don't think he knows- i sure don't and i'm getting tired of caring i think.

we'll see how this goes. i'm outta here- no juice at all. will ahve to reread stuff tomorrow- too duhhh to nite.

xxo hang n there-

[nero]

hey - we're like little birds that sit stock still and don't move a feather- when threatened. if our "enemies" don't see the movement- we are safe.

i am with you- taking charge and grand gestures are not "me". time and patience and things unfolding in their own pace seem to be who i am more. it may not always be best - look at the mess i seem to have made of this mess of a r by assuming we loved each other and believing lies.

on the other hand- i , like you, find i am in my element by being myself and going with my gut- forcing myself to be flashy and take charge and like others - doesn't work for me.

we gotta be us- you know- frank sinatra says it , it must be true (joking) gotta be me.

we gotta be us- it's our "magic" we don't want to lose it or compromise it or hand it in for some dope tht's jacking us around.

very probably we are wonderful girls and people who deserve all the best things in life. that we don't always get them- well, who the heck does i guess. maybe just our turn for life to wack us- we will survive and prevail i'm pretty darn sure.

xxoo

[albamarie]

Today friends came over w/a puppy, I have a cold and cuddled with a movie and that puppy for 2 hrs, it was nice to feel something warm next to me. I thought how nice it will be when it's my g-son and felt happy for my life, H can't have that, or take that away from me.

God won't let me be alone, there is a partner out there for me, if it's H God will continue to carry him until he's ready, if my path is to find another our path is already paved.

Well, we at least deserve more than abuse and neglect, were looking for more like L and respect!

[nero]

uh hem - AMEN...

[Portia]

DM, I do not post often to your thread as I am much further behind than you, but I was also thinking of making a list like this, more for "academic purposes" than anything else.

I have constructed my personal list of things I have learned painfully over the last yr. This is of course is nothing more that a list of what I have been advised over this time by everyone on this site, but this is a list of what I have finally accepted for myself.

Isn't this the truth? People can tell us things over and over but for them to really sink in, we have to learn them for ourselves.

When a spouse wants to walk away, let them, offer a suitcase, and you decide if you want to leave the door ajar behind them.

This is probably true, but I think we all must get there. The MLCer is going to live with enough regrets, I don't think that the LBS should as well. In my case, I am still not quite ready to drop the rope and I am grateful that I am learning the compassion to let go on MY terms, not his. For some, that will not make sense, but it does for me.

MLCer's do NOT live happily ever after with OW or OM

This I can absolutely believe. The MLCer's relationship with the OP is bizarre and unhealthy. Until recently, I did not realize how true that is. That does not mean that it will not take its time to run its course, but rational, stable people would not want a relationship like the ones the MLCer chooses to pursue.

Let go sooner rather than later.

This I agree with as well, recognizing that it is so hard to do especially in the beginning.

MLC has nothing to do with you, it's a personal crisis they blame on you.

Agree with the first part but do not know about the second. Am I being blamed for the crisis? In my case, not the whole crisis but certainly the breakdown of the relationship part. But then, our relationship was fairly untraditional so maybe that is the reason.

Revenge isn't nessecery, they will ruin themselves all on their own.

Yes. Consequences of their actions. Karma.

As soon as the bomb drops, go NC and protect yourself.

This is sound advice, at least until the LBS is not caught up in the drama or "shattering" as Susan Anderson has labelled it. But this is also hindsight for most of us who until BD never dreamed we would need to know that information never mind implement it.

Remember to love and respect yourself, as much as you were willing to love your spouse. I seem to shortchange myself, but lavish him.

Absolutely agree. I would add that there may be some truth in the things the MLCer says but that does not mean beat yourself up forever about those things that cannot be changed. I am still learning this. I am also still learning to worry about me and how I am handling this situation. To not let my life fall apart just because my relationship has. To just let him twist in the wind for awhile while I take care of my business. It sounds so simple, but it isn't.

You have been living a with a false H for quite some time, by the time they bomb you they have already been at this for a while.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I knew he was acting strange but could not put my finger on it. Never would have guessed an A or that I would soon be in for the ride of my life. By the time the BD occurs, they are so detached, they cannot figure out why you would need time to process.

Don't look back in pain and romanticize your R, accept the last few yrs for what they were, and see your S for who they have become.

Agree. This is what will help with acceptance.

They are not the S's we know, they are strangers with strange ideas and no filter for how they will treat you.

This has certainly been my experience. But we also know them better than we think. At least in my experience, now that I have "woken up" a bit myself, I find it easier to detect when he is lying.

The acceptance stage can end up being that they accept all their own MLC lingo as truth and it becomes who they are, and how they want to live the rest of their life.

That is a possibility and we should recognize it. In most of the readings I have done with regard to MLC, it appears inevitable that they will come out the other side as someone we recognize, that all we have to do is wait this whole thing out. There are stats that 80% want to return, the general consensus in the books I have read is that in the end, they come out the other side much like they went in, only more secure with themselves and their situations. It scares me a bit to think that xSO would stay stuck - it would be very sad for him.

Loneliness is not a reason to compromise yourself to you S. What am I missing anyway, H is not good enough for me anymore, he's gone!

This is my montra for when I feel down or anxious, it's helps me move forward, I pray for the day it comes natural for me and "all about H" is truly an afterthought.

Agreed.

There is no end to this list for me, I am still learning and growing everyday. I learn from this site everyday, I am thankful for all I read here and everyone who shares their personal story.

Absolutely agree with this!

Dawn, I think you are amazing and have so much to look forward to, including the grandbaby. Thank you for sharing your list. I think I will copy on my thread so that I have it there as well.

Take care!