Bklyn

[keep_going]

Hi dear friend,

I am so sad to hear you are in this ugly space today. It hurts me, like others, to read because I can hear the pain and hurt coming through. Yet it pains me because it doesn't come from a place of acceptance and surrender, it comes in the shape of anger, which is now consuming you and has been for a while now.

BM - You may think I am way out of line... I feel the need to write because I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Sometimes I cannot believe how similar our situations and our feelings are!


And I also cannot believe how much we are both spinning...

I think its really interesting that you all agree no response necessary. I think not responding is passive aggressive and that even if its just for my own statisfaction

Some non-responses can be passive-aggressive if you choose not to respond out of anger, to "teach a lesson" or to hurt the other person. Yet a non-response can also be simply a way to let go of a cheeseless tunnel, a way to difuse further conflict and a way to find peace of mind within yourself. I believe that everyone here who is recommending not responding is thinking of the latter, because it's best for YOU.

It is YOUR choice, what definition you ascribe to your non-response. What is it going to be?

I reply something like,
"Generally I am not friends with people that hurt my kids"

Is he asking for your friendship? Perhaps he did in the past and I missed it. I thought he was simply asking you why you are angry... In my last post I mentioned that sometimes, even when we think we are completely in control of holding in our anger, it still seeps through and your H has noticed as well. Does it matter? IDK - it depends what your goal is re. your R with him.

"I am mad at you because you think its acceptable to have your girlfriend accompany you with our children to events where that is inappropriate"

I have the EXACT SAME FEELINGS. I believe it's unacceptable too! But guess what? Our Hs don't! And they have a right to their own opinions because they are separate beings from us... Our reactions (because I have the same as you), just show our co-dependency and lack of detachment.

We both need to learn to live in the present and ACCEPT our reality. That reality is that we are no longer in a marriage with our H, regardless of if there is a paper or not. Our reality is that they are in a serious R with another person and that those women are ALREADY part of our children's lives. Our reality is that NOTHING we do or say will change that. Our reality is that last weekend they were together for Easter, this weekend for a social function and next weekend for another event... As much as it suxxs, this IS our reality now and not accepting it and reacting in anger about it only hurts US...
Unfortunatelly our Hs don't CARE AT ALL if we are in agreement or not, sweetie...

"You make me angry because you have no awareness of my feelings. That having your girlfriend attend an event instead of the kids mother is heartbreaking"

Ha! I think I wrote something eerily similar in my own thread just a day ago. Yes, our H have no awareness of our feelings. It hurts so bad, doesn't it? It makes you feel invisible, discarded, thrown away like garbage, doesn't it? We need to let that hurt flow, but not let it consume us, because our H's cluelessness will not change and WE CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. So how are we going to deal with it in a way that works for US, BM?

"FU you clueless MFer"

BM - this ^^^^ just makes me sad.
Do you want to keep harboring these feelings within you? You do have a choice...

I spent 18 months being silent as he walked all over me.

You have a choice here. How is he walking all over you? By having a R with OW and exposing your kids to it? That is not walking all over you - it is living his life apart from you and making his own choices. Is OW mean with your Ds? Does she abuse them? If I remember correctly, she is actually kind to them and gives them gifts. The OW in my own sitch is also nice and kind to my kids and many have told me that it is better that way. As much as it stinks, I know that is true and deep down, you do as well, don't you?

If he is walking all over you, then set some healthy boundaries to protect yourself. You have a choice.

I spent 18 months taking the blame for everything.

I hear you on this... Most LBS do at least at first... And then we see things clearly, and we realize it takes 2 to tango, and we look within and find our role in the demise of our R and take responsibility. And then hopefully we forgive ourselves for our past transgressions and decide to move forward learning and changing those defects that got us here...
You see that WE have control of this as well?
If you spent 18 months taking the blame for everything, why not stop now? What is holding you back?

I am not answering him for him I am going to answer him for me and my children.

I am not following you here. Why for you and the kids? To tell him he is wrong?

He is hearing, "blah, blah, blah, there goes B again."

urworthy is dead on with thie ^^^^. And now you have proof that it won't help at all, because you already told him that...

Remember what happened a few days ago:

I did not yell or scream when I told my H his behavior was wrong. I just told him my truth. This was actually a big accomplishment for me. I have been silent as my H has abused me since Sept 2011.

He has blamed me time and time again that he had no choice but to leave his abusive W. I have accepted that statement and accepted the blame. Sunday night was the first time I stood up to him and said in a reasonable way (not as I did post bomb when I flew off the handle) but it a reasonable way. This is not right.

The reason I didnt want to have a conversation about it is because its not a debate. He clearly thinks its right for kids and I clearly don't. There isnt much too talk about, I just wanted to go on record in reasonable way and say I do not condone this. I will not stop you and I will not mention it again but I do not approve of this for my kids.

So you already said everything that needed to be said. And you did it in a calm, cool, collected way. That is why everyone is telling you to not respond. Let me ask you something - even though you had not said it with words before, do you think your actions and/or demeanor towards your H has not clearly indicated your hurt, displeasure and disapproval of his actions?

I know how tempting it is to say it all, over and over, but it won't do any good. We both keep trying to talk our way into making our Hs change. It's a control issue, a lack of acceptance issue and a lack of detachment issue.

Plus, you said it last week and this week there were new issues. You can say it again now and guess what? Next week something else will trigger you again with these same thoughts of unfairness. So do you think that actually telling him about it is really helping?


I think you know all this, because you have admitted to it:

I just have a really big issue when it comes to the kids being in the arms and being loved by another woman. It is not rationale or sane but it can definitely send me over the top. (I want to write I will work on this, but I cant even write that now)

Yes, you can... Find a way. Start writing about it, seek help, more therapy, different therapy. Whatever you need. I know I am desperately looking for the same answers myself and I won't give up until I find the way to deal with this pain and the anger it causes me in a healthy way. I just want to be happy, DON'T YOU???

KG, I really appreciated your post. I am definitely not a Pema Choldron or Mother Theresa, I am human and have strong feelings especially when it comes to my kids.

Nobody is asking you to be anyone else but you, sweetie... Hey, I AM NOT TRYING TO JUDGE YOU. I just see myself in you. I feel the same things, I am on the same boat and I am on your side!

So I ask again -
Do you want to be happy?

If so, then what can you do differently now from what you have done in the past 18 months+ to get there?
Learn to recognize what WITHIN YOU has not worked thus far and how you can change that.

Easier said than done... I am asking the same things and even though I don't have the answer, acceptance is the first step.

(((((((BM))))))))