Party went well. D17 was surprised! Everyone seemed comfortable, except maybe H's friend and his girlfriend. I was welcoming and gracious but they were there about 40 min before H & D17 & didn't hesitate to order a pitcher of beer and they pretty much kept to themselves. It brought up a lot of angry feelings, these are the people that H lives with and I don't think they are a good influence on H and I don't personally approve of their lifestyle. But H makes his own decisions. H's friend did come up to me near end of party and gave me a hug & said in my ear 'you're so good, bec'. I'm naturally looking for the hidden meaning there, but I appreciate the compliment I guess. I'm hoping he saw some changes in me & it inspired him to say something. mindreading... (there will probably be a lot of mindreading in this post because I'm getting it out & letting it go).
The surprise & dinner was at a restaurant, then the kids came back to my house to watch movies & soak in the hot tub. D17's friends are all really good kids and I loved hearing them laugh and have fun. H came to my house for about 10 min after the restaurant then he left. I invited him to hang out but he said he figured I'd be hiding in my room soon with a house full of teens so he'll just leave.
Overall it was much better than I expected with an obvious overlay of sadness (in my head) because this is another celebration we don't fully get to enjoy as a family.
There were a couple moments that felt good. After they walked in & everyone yelled "SURPRISE" d17 was so emotional and started crying and went around the room hugging everyone. It was so sweet. And in the high of that moment H unexpectedly hugged me hard. Hadn't had a hug from him in months! I didn't even realize we were standing next to each other because the crowd was shifting around d17 and then all of a sudden I was being hugged. It was really sweet but one of those 'we did it, proud of our girl' moments. Then we hugged again when he left for a little longer. That hug felt more intentional.
There was another moment when he was cleaning the patio & found a dead mouse. I'm inside the house & he took a pic of it & sent it to me, then of course I throw on shoes & run out to go look. He said "I was wondering how fast you'd get out here". That really touched me because I felt known in that moment. If there's something gross or dead or whatever, I've always been the type of person to get a good close look & poke it. And he knows that about me.
Now in regards to DB/WAH, is there a known theory about the WAH trying to be as unattractive as possible to the LBS? H has not been taking care of himself at all. He has put on probably close to 20#s since moving out, has this weird facial hair thing going on, and started another old bad habit of chewing tobacco. All of the cosmetic things I don't care about but I question a future with someone that plain-ol-doesn't-care about himself. There is so much focus on working on ourselves here, be the best person you can be, make your own positive changes. And if that works, has anyone ever been left with a H that is worse-for-wear and not living a lifestyle the LBS wants anymore?
Over the last 6 weeks of 'promoting friendship', we've definitely progressed to better communication, H's been more involved with the kids, (his OW R is finally done), we've shared jokes and laughs and general comfortableness, I'm GAL and have many new friends and new activities to look forward to, we're going to the counselor in 10 days & even a day trip for D17 bday in a week together. And I've initiated his LL touching & received two good hugs last night.
I feel like I should be encouraged but I'm not. It sure feels like we've both worked very hard to achieve a comfortable co-parenting status. There's nothing that has transpired that makes me feel he'll ever consider a new love R with me. It feels that he still thinks it's hopeless. And I'm starting to wonder if it is too. I don't know how to keep the faith... or maybe I've finally reached a level of detachment and this is where I'm supposed to be?
And he knows that about me. 
It sure feels like we've both worked very hard to achieve a comfortable co-parenting status. There's nothing that has transpired that makes me feel he'll ever consider a new love R with me. It feels that he still thinks it's hopeless. And I'm starting to wonder if it is too. I don't know how to keep the faith... or maybe I've finally reached a level of detachment and this is where I'm supposed to be?
