I have had some great advice given to me so far so thanks v much to the people who have posted.
Short summary of sitch:
Seperated from W of 13 yrs (special needs), S12 with W, S19 lives away at College. BD in August (ILYBNILWY, stepson from W previous M.
W dad died when she was 7 and lots of issued on how her mum treated her as a kid following his death. She gave up career to be stay at home mum when youngest was born and because of his needs has not been able to return to work. She was very career focussed and its something she misses.
Whilst there were clearly issues with our M and me, we regularly talked about our feelings for each other and had an active sex life. All of this is documented in my other threads but practically everything about our M has been re-written.
With hindsight I could see signs of possible onset of MLC for perhaps 2 yrs leading to BD. Lots of talk about childhood, how mum never showed her love/affection, lots of resentment and anger towards her mum which then etended to other family members. In the 12 months leading up to BD she was confused and finally BD in August 12 and physical S in November.
She has also recently started early menopause and getting treatment for it. She lost a lot of weight in the last 2 yrs but has started to put it back on and her mood bounces between highs and lows.
I have been dim except on pick ups and drops off of S where I have stayed upbeat and positive. We did have pursuit/distance type behaviour when she first moved out, W then withdrew and since then our friendship has been getting better but steady if that makes sense. Again, this is all documented.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting and working on my faults as a H and 180ing everything in my control. Again, this angered her in the early post BD phase.
GAL going ok, gym, learning to horse ride and spending quality time with S. R with S has never been better through all of this.
Generally in a better place and would say 70% of the time ok, the other 30% my mind wanders into places it shouldnt! I usually post a lot when this happens
Things seem to be on a more stable footing now and communication with W has improved a lot over the last few weeks.
A long post for what should have been a short summary (sorry!) but it is all documented in my earlier threads.
These boards are lifeline for us all going through this and sorry you to find yourself here.
Stay strong
Just journalling. Good session with DB coach which got me thinking that I should know W better than I do. Gave me good advice on how to move forward with my sitch and had a knack of asking questions that through trying to answer made me ID some more things I need to work on. A bit like the penny dropping again
Picked S up. W talked....and talked.....and talked some more so did'nt really get a chance to talk myself .
Said she has not been sleeping again (hot sweats in the night), looked shattered and said she will prob sleep all weekend.
Busy weekend planned with S and a meal at my parents Saturday evening so looking forward to this. Will also mention about them not sending W birthday or xmas cards.
TBH the more i think about this the more it angers me as it just seems a bit petty to not send her a card. Especially when W mentioned her mum is already talking about what to get me for my bday this year as I reach the big 40! I will follow FY's advice on tackling this with parents.
I think it's good if your W talks and talks. Better for you to listen than to talk yourself. Good too for you to need to leave while she still wants to talk because she gets to realise that she likes talking to you.
I'm curious about the ways that you feel you don't know your W v well and I'm glad that your DB coaching session was useful.
This is from a way back, but I wouldn't mention your W's ring. You want to seem more detached than that--I think.
I"m so pleased that your R with S12 is going from strength to strength. I hope you have a nice weekend together.
I like the idea of martial arts. Maybe give it a try. The guys I see at the gym practicing look good!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Re not knowing my W, it is because I think she has changed so much since our S was born that she lost herself.
I imagine that is why FB/chat sites etc became such an outlet for her with me working long hours.
Generally feeling a bit feb up at the moment. It has been 7 months since BD and 5 months since she moved out. There has been no R talk at all in this time other than about a week after BD.
Whilst things seem to be going in the right direction I cannot help thinking that W is still getting the best of both worlds and that she is getting what she wanted at BD. That we would be really good friends and nothing more. It is not cake eating as such but with the pick ups and drops offs we get to see each other twice a week, W has the weekends free to do what she wishes so she gets to keep me dangling and her own life as well. I really am starting to doubt my approach.
In my 4 free evenings I go swimming, gym twice a week and a horse riding lesson. My time to socialise is limited as it is difficult to get childcare for S and all my friends go out on the weekends when I have him. Martial arts would be good but I would need to sacrifice one of the other things to give me time to do it.
IDK, feel very angry and frustrated at the moment and I am having more frequent thoughts about giving up, moving away or just something different. My patience is getting v thin.
rky, We all have frequent thoughts of giving up in the land of MLC. It wouldn't be a true crises if you didn't!
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There has been no R talk at all in this time other than about a week after BD.
Right, same here, and that has helped us make it to where we are now. But that will change at some point. I will start dropping truth darts about the reality of me not staying only friends with my wife. Not right now though... the timing has to be just right, if you know what I mean.
Welcome to the MLC board and hang in there, buddy. They don't call it a rollercoaster ride for nothing.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks FY, I shouldnt complain because compared to some on these boards I seem to have it easy and get to see my S each weekend.
As you are well aware it gets so frustrating especially when you feel like your rollercoaster is coasting if you know what I mean! but better than a nosedive I suppose.
Like Monday I dropped off S things. She is wearing a top I bought her ages ago when I went on a weekend trip with eldest S. She has never worn it before (and I assumed she didnt like it - I remember mentioning it ages ago that she hadnt worn it - its over 2 years old now)yet now decides to wear it.
Found out today she has also been e-mailing BIL (my sisters H). He is a good guy and actually W felt good about it because they had a few jokes. But I also got the I am sorry it worked out like this talk when she was telling me... but that she would like to stay connected with family on my side.
We had a hospital appointment with youngest S today. I suggested Monday to W that I go to hers early and we take him together as opposed to meeting at the hospital. She agreed and the appt went v well.
We then dropped S at school together and went back to W place.
She hadnt walked the dog and invited me along so I accepted. Had a nice walk for about 5 miles but the conversation did dry up. It didnt feel awkward but I felt I could have been a little more talkative at times. But again W did so much talking, showing me all the local places, where she takes S etc that it was nice to have a bit of quiet. It almost felt like we were a couple again!
She also volunteered to start dropping S off on Saturday mornings at my place as opposed to me travelling to hers after work. She said it would give me Friday nights to myself. I thanked her and said perhaps not every week, but an occasional Friday night off would be good. I have a work night out on Friday at the end of April so said it would save me trying to find a sitter and means I would not need to rush back.
Went back to hers had coffee, then I played with dog a little before leaving. She looked a little sad again which was a complete switch from how she had been all morning (she still does this a lot - one minute really chatty and happy, the next looks like she will burst in to tears)
Also, caught her looking me up and down as I wore a new tight fitting t-shirt that prior to going to the gym I would have never worn!
To keep my PMA I am going to take this as achieving my goals of doing something with S and W together (even though it was a hospital appt) and doing something with W alone(the dog walk).
W also mentioned S needed new shoes. I suggested going shopping together with S during the easter school break and that I could take a day off work - it is a 2 person job taking S for shoes! She agreed.
I still need to start being a bit more outgoing and fun. When we talk it feels so comfortable that it is like the old M...but not different. I need to spark it up a notch, be a little different in how I communicate with her.
She is away with the girls this weekend so will not see her Monday for drop off. Eldest S will be there until she returns. S also has a carer who will drop him off and pick him up on the bank holiday weekend so won't see W after tomorrow for 3 weeks!
This is not great timing and will be the longest we havent seen each other since BD. Not sure if thats good or bad? Part of me wonders if it will give us chance to miss each other properly.
BTW forgot to mention the mothers day perfume. I did give it to her. She text me on mothers day and said thank you for the lovely gifts it was a lovely surprise. She signed off with a kiss.
Just a general update. Not much change really. I have had a stomach bug followed by a cold so not been too great.
W has been pretty good and has kept asking how I am. She also called around last night as I forgot S incontinence pads when I picked him up (I was down to my last 4). Rather than me go back around to hers she offered to drop some off so I accepted.
She stayed briefly and took an unusual interest in the fish of all things. Kept looking at them and saying how much one of them had grown and how good they looked.
Prior to this I went for a new image. New clothes, shaved beard off, cropped hair! Everyone at work commented how they did'nt recognise me and even stepsons girlfriend said I looked great:) W not mentioned anything though which is no surprise.
Stepson has only spent one weekend at W since finishing Uni for the easter break. W was complaining that when he did stay there he spent most of the day in bed! He is planning to go to hers Monday and spend the week before travelling back next Sunday.
Not much else to report. Oh and I went to the casino last week and won a tidy sum of money
I've always been a fish keeper myself, and have two tanks up and running right now. At one time I had some native sunfish in a 75 gallon tank that W used to feed every morning. In their excitement, one jumped up and bit her finger once! Another time the same guy jumped out and W had to rescue him.
I like the sound of your new image. I've done some of that too, and like you, W has not commented at all. That's ok since we should be doing this for ourselves, anyway.
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Oh and I went to the casino last week and won a tidy sum of money
Are you planning to quit while you're ahead? That's what I would do. Actually, I'm too much of a cheapskate to even try gambling. We have a casino right here in my town, and I've only visited it once. Looked around, listened to the live band for a bit, talked with a few guys waiting to play high stakes poker, never even dropped a dime! To tell the truth, I felt a little lost and out of place in there. Need someone to show me how it all works. Good Luck!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
