DBing, European style

[Papa4Life]

Journalling:

I asked W if it would be OK if I went along with her and D9 to field hockey practice this morning and she agreed. DD3.5 have been cooped up almost all winter because of the unusually cold/snowy weather we had last year and they are so excited any time I take them for a ride in the car or to the playground. They even have toddler-sized hockey sticks and they ran around chasing the ball until the cold forced us inside again. W had to work at the concession stand for a few hours (all the club members take turns every few weeks), and thankfully the DDs could get warmed up inside. I took pictures, including one of W standing behind the beer taps; usually she won't let me take pictures of her anymore.

I was very positive all morning, and tried to be proactive with getting everybody dressed and ready to go, tidying up once we got home, made lunch for everybody, and put the groceries away after W did some shopping. W's best friend has to attend a funeral today so W volunteerd to watch two of her kids, before remembering that she had plans for an overnight visit with another of her friends tonight. I assured her it wouldn't be a problem to keep an eye on everybody and get them fed before the friend came to pick them up.

One of the hardest parts about this whole sitch is the realization that I love my W desparately I love my W and wish I could change so many of the mistakes I've made in the past. I have been feeling this gentle, abiding sense of wanting to make things right. The reason I say that this is actually the hardest parts is because, if she does decide to leave, it'll be at a point in our R when I have stronger feelings for her than at perhaps any other point in our R. In trying to relieve her of more of the burden of household work and taking on more responsibility so she doesn't feel that she's got to worry about the kids' appointments and other junk that make parents say, "ah rats, I've got to remember to take care of that."

I know she notices these efforts, and it feels right and good to make these changes, but I hope I can continue with new goals and that hopefully she'll start to have a change of heart.

Am I making these changes, doing 180s, acting as if, GAL, and keeping a PMA for myself? Yes. Absolutely. I would have been out on my ear long ago if I hadn't stop pressuring her, no doubt. Am I starting to feel better about myself? You bet. I became a vegan last year, started working out, and I've lost almost 50 pounds, and this desire to become healthy extends to my emotional and mental health. I even joked to W and the MC that I'm working from the outside in

But in my heart of hearts, even as I gain in confidence that I can survive and move on if/when the time comes and I know I'll always be a devoted father, still I know that I will always love my W -- have never stopped loving her -- and the overarching goal of all of these efforts is to 'deserve' my wife and to convince her that, if she does decide to stay and work on things, that I will dedicate the rest of my life to building the healthy, honest, happy, mutually sustaining marriage that I know she deserves.

Thanks for letting me "type out my crazies." Now back to our regularly scheduled DBing...