Suckerpunch stage 3

[labug]

If you now say you want to fix things and she doesn't, how does a court quantify that? Your W could then say for years she tried to fix things and you didn't, so she gave up. I think that's how no-fault D was born. 2 people can't make it work, but were both a part of the good things in the M as well as the breakdown of the M, so split things to make each as whole as possible and go with life.

If this was happening to your D, how would you counsel her?

[swoop]

You're absolutely right, LA. I have thought long and hard about this situation. It is not that I feel she is entitled to nothing, I just don't know how to give anything to her without a major detremint to myself. I simply cannot take on another 40k loan, on top of child care, on top of her 1000 dollar check every summer to "play" with our D, on top of living a lifestyle that I AM ACCUSTMED TO without a joint income. It is just completely unreasonable and selfish of her to think that I should have to suffer greatly, while she walks away and starts this wonderful new life without any debt, without any past bills and a pocket full of cash. I don't feel I am wrong here.

With that said, I have discussed this in detail with the leader of my small group. He is a very Christian man, and a major real estate agent in our community. We crunched the numbers...the realistic numbers....and it appears the house literally only has 5-10K worth of equity, in the best of circumstances.

Now, that is based on comparable new home construction. Our house is 6 years old. It is all cedar construction and it is currently in need of restaining. Trust me, restaining a craftsman style cedar house does not come cheap. It also has the typical "lived in" house conditions. It could use some paint, some flooring, that sort of thing.

With that said, even if I was to back out ALLLLL of the costs that should be incurred to bring the house up to perfect market listing, there isn't much equity....definitely not $80,000 dollars worth! Therefore, Why does my W deserve 40 grand just because she wan't to call it quits?

[labug]

You are going again to the worse case scenario. You don't know that she will get everything she's asking.

As AS said, the courts don't care if you can afford it or if you continue in the lifestyle to which you are accustomed.

She shouldn't have to take all the financial hit for something that you're both responsible for.

You didn't answer the daughter question.

[labug]

And don't think that I don't understand, I've had to do a lot of dialing back of my ego and figuring that doing the right thing sometimes seems unfair and hurts. But the more I tried to defend myself, the more I hurt and the more people I hurt.

One of the most valuable questions I've learned is to ask myself "What is my motive?" Often times, less often now, thankfully, it's to hurt the person who is hurting me, or to protect myself at all costs. I've also found that when something doesn't feel right in my gut, no matter how much I want it, or how many people support my position, I should listen to my gut.

[swoop]

If this was happening to your D, how would you counsel her?

Sorry, I missed this question.

I am going to be 100% completely honest. If my D was going though this EXACT scenario, I would suggest to her that she really try to work on the marriage. She has a husband that is willing to try. He is supportive of her position and owns up to his personal mistakes he made during the marriage. He also wishes to fix them. I would then advise her that she has a whole lot to lose by not making an effort....basically exactly what her own parents have told her.

[swoop]

I think I better start a new thread. This one is filling up.

Please follow me here

Suckerpunch down to the wire

[25yearsmlc]

She wants her initial investment plus a return. I think that is selfish.


So what if you think that? I mean, your opinion of her financial wishes and her motivation is irrelevant. No court cares....

So She wants a return on her investment. IF the market would bear it, then she gets it. Otherwise you owe her something unless the home is underwater...


Perhaps my perception is wrong, but she is the one who is choosing to leave the family unit based on her owns needs and decisions.

NOT relevant to financial decisions. If it were, she'd argue you were at fault and should pay more "morally" speaking.


I wished to fix our problems. She did not, so why should it be fair?

OMG do you have amnesia?


It is not fair to me that she doesn't care about my wishes. It is not fair to my daughter. Our financial security was based on being a family. She chose to leave that family, but wishes to reap all the benefits as well?


I can't even comment any more....


It just doesn't seem right to me that my financial security, as well as my daughers, will be damaged while W walks away with a pocket full of cash to start her new life. Meanwhile, here I will be buried in debt that I will not be able to afford. Why, because it "fair"?

Our house was not a shady transaction. When we went to refi the business, the bank wanted the house included. The reason being, the house was on business property, which technically shows ownership. The house being included in the loan increased the overall value, increasing the collateral. Therefore, it gave us an even better interest rate. There was not really any other option. The bank would not refi without the inclusion of the house added. Although, we did not seek any legal counsel before arranging all of this. At that time, it did not seem like it would be an issue. Afterall, we were one big happy family.