PF, sounds like things are moving in the right direction. I think you are onto something about things being wierd. Not sure how to get things back to "normal" while at the same time DBing though.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Grizz, that's what I struggle with as well. The thing is I don't know if I am pushing her and she is just not voicing her displeasure or if this is actually helping. Being in separate rooms I. The same house definitely shone a spotlight on the weirdness, though.
She always looks for me to lead in our relationship. She always has. She always waits for me to make the moves and then she either "cracks the door" or closes it and she never does that verbally. It's like a dance. I try to lead and I have to see if she is comfortable following.
Wife has been actively planning a summer vacation for us. That's good. She doesn't have to do that for us to just remain roommates. I see that as a married couple thing, but maybe I'm narrow minded on this. She could just see us going as friends.
Headed out on a trip. She didn't kiss me goodbye. I kissed her on the cheek because she wouldn't turn towards me. An obvious no go tonight. She also still will only call me by my name. No pet names.
Things still obviously are not anywhere near normal at our house.
Sandi2 or 25yearsMLC, I could use some of your advice and insight here!
I've got a long weekend in one location this trip. I'm gonna reread DR and see if there is something there that can show me if I'm getting off course. I don't want to screw this up!
I was confused forever about the goodbye kiss. Initially after BD, W and I continued to kiss but it just seemed forced. I quit initiating probably a month ago and so did she. This seems to me like a step backward but most on here say to stop the kissing unless she initiates. So I stopped.
Planning the vacation seems like a positive step. We have been invited to go on vacation with friends two separate times and W says we can't make plans because she hopes to have a new job. Now that is a legitimate reason but I can't help but think that it is also a very convenient reason to not go on vacation with me. I know, mind reading.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
PF, planning a vacation is definitely a good step. She obvious plans to be around. We had a kitchen remodel planned, it was on hold for months because clearly my W had thoughts of leaving. Now the kitchen remodel is back on schedule (and costing me !)
Sailing, I bet you'll be smiling the whole time you're writing those checks! I was glad to see that you were back on with that remodel plan.
Grizz, I think I am going to back off a bit. I have read the same as you on the kissing. I could tell I had gone too far when she didn't respond to me. I have probably taken things too fast.
One thing that is bothering me is that today, she told me she did't like the cologne I was wearing. I had taken to wearing a cologne that she picked out for me and I had been wearing it every day. Today I didn't wear it. The problem is I wasn't wearing any cologne at all. She seems to have been turned off by my scent. She had told me once before that I smelled different to her. The appearance that my scent is repelling to her has me a little worried. Ladies, can you help me understand what might me going on here?
I've just read through your whole backstory, mainly because mine is identical in most areas and finding that yours is helping me find some direction. One thing that stood out for me was
Quote:
We are all influenced by who we hang with. Before my wife met these women, things were going well. I will admit that things weren't perfect, but I do believe that if she were to be hanging with a group of women who were happily married, the chances of our marriage surviving this mess would be much greater.
My W tends to be in touch with friends that have been through this and make the grass look greener, and also a friend that she knew from childhood who she connected with again just before W claims feelings for me started changing.
Keep up the good work, I'll keep reading!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Another Stander has spoken of this very same thing in many of his posts. The WAS really HAS to surround themselves with people who will commiserate with them. It's how they relieve their conscience from the guilt they feel for their behavior. If enough people TELL them they are justified in their actions, they FEEL vindicated. This takes a lot of stress off of them and paves the way for continued and even escalated destructive behavior.
I have also written about my W enablers. These people she rarely had contact with until we started having problems. I at one point voiced my concern over this and let's just say it didnt go well.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I was glad to see that you were back on with that remodel plan.