180 from being judgemental/superior: When we get beyond the military after retirement, this should be almost automatic with an exception of our differences on financial issues. I've been judgemental/superior to her because I'm living the military lifestyle and she's a civilian. A foreign civilian to boot. She's a very smart woman and that's why she took it upon herself to get away and think things through about the sitch with the OM. So she deserves my respect and to hear her vote on sitches. I've let my ego get in the way so she doesn't think I'm a pushover or have no clue about making a decision. This has instead shown her that I choose be an a-hole to her than value her input. Not the way to go. I so could've had a different outcome if I didn't put up a front when she stated over my Holiday visit that she was unhappy and was unsure if she wanted to be married. I really should have checked the ego at the door and start to work on peeling back the onion of our problem. She stated recently that she was so hurt from that visit and I will never act that way again. I had the worst feeling leaving her as I got on the train. The last thing I said to her was "May you find happiness," and I gave her a hug. I can't imagine what went through her head on the drive home.
So for now, I listen to what she has to say and validate her feelings. For example, she informed me despite her calling it quits with OM and we started to share some feelings, she's still moving to a smaller place. I held my tongue and simply thought about the pros and cons for her to do this. She'll have less expense, but she'll have to sell a lot of her stuff. I also thought that it could be positive for me expense-wise as well. We have a lot of time on our side if we decide to change up the living arrangements.
180 from being a "problem solver": I'm a mechanic by trade, so it's the way I think. It's difficult to hold back, but I'm trying. When I go to visit in May, I will let her tell me how she wants things done unless she asks. Otherwise, I'll listen to her and validate her responses. I'm sticking to being my own problem solver for now. I need it!
Listen... really listen to her(even if I have to stop what I'm doing) Validate feelings more often: I can combine these two. Initially I just need to slow down so I can listen and so I can engage in validating responses. Thus enabling that I listen better. Not just hearing. Also, most importantly... stop talking about me. I will learn nothing about her if I talk about me.
Provide for quality time: This will begin by implementing less TV. I am there to see her and the kids. Not sit on my a$$ and watch TV. Yes, it is a vacation from work, but I miss them when I'm not there. I should express that. I plan on capitalizing on the time we have after the kids are put to bed. I remember in the past (before we had kids)we had a tri-omino all-nighter and we drank tea and chatted about the silliest things. It was great! I need to do more stuff like that with her.
Involve W in career aspirations (she has a vote): This will have to come later. At this point, future employment she could care less. This is what has tainted our relationship. I won't engage in this subject unless she introduces it first. Then, I will ask her viewpoint.
More fun OUT of the house: This has been an issue since we've been in such debt that we had no funds for having fun. Now after I've been working hard on this, we do have room for this. I started last year when I took the kids to the amusement park for a day so W could have some time to herself. I plan on doing things like this, but would prefer to include W if possible.
You're absolutely right! WHEN this all turns around. Why? Cause I'm gonna bust it on learning from the mistakes and come out as a better spouse.
Honestly, she told me that she's dealing with her depression and feelings that she's not good enough so of course I have to be the one to change. She's been wrestling with depression for a long time. It's one of the flaws she has that I've accepted and try to accommodate in our relationship.
Spartan, this is why I've stuck with this forum. We all have similar stories. It's amazing how close the scripts appear to be. This site and the people give me hope as well. Thanks for listening and I'd be so humbled that my sitch would help someone else out one day.
For now what I'm doing to show an effort, is to let W and the kids know I am thinking about them. They've been down with the flu and so each day I've sent a thoughtful text to them. We've had connectivity issues for the past few days so it's the best we can do right now. W tried to call last night, but the connection was too bad. I said for them to get some rest and we can try the next day.
I must say at this point I feel very fortunate that it only took my W to realize on her own to get out of the OM sitch. My IC pointed that out to me before she left. This is very true. I've read a lot of threads that have gone over years not months to sort of turn things around. We're still having connectivity issues on her end. It's a 3-day weekend for me and I've kicked it off with seeing a comedy show tonight and Sat. I'll be taking a day castle tour and Sun. will be a day on the Mediterranean coast where I can enjoy some fresh seafood. W doesn't like seafood.
It's a 3-day weekend for me and I've kicked it off with seeing a comedy show tonight and Sat. I'll be taking a day castle tour and Sun. will be a day on the Mediterranean coast where I can enjoy some fresh seafood. W doesn't like seafood.
Well....
That certainly sounds a lot better than...
Say....
A thoughtful (?) text ????
Originally Posted By: RS
They've been down with the flu and so each day I've sent a thoughtful text to them.
Yea....I'm thinkin that I would have made every effort to show up at the door, and say " I will take care of OUR kids this weekend. The most important thing is for you to get well, and have a break "
Once again, I see your words of wanting to be different, just being more words....
Actions RS...
Your words and your actions are in two places....
And I see this weekend as being no different, than what the past few years have been like.
She is in one place, nursing YOUR sick children, and you are enjoying seafood on the Mediterranean coast.....
It's a 3-day weekend for me and I've kicked it off with seeing a comedy show tonight and Sat. I'll be taking a day castle tour and Sun. will be a day on the Mediterranean coast where I can enjoy some fresh seafood.
Wow, that sounds fantastic, nice GAL stuff It looks like it's going to be amazing weather here, so I'll probably spend it trying to whip the yard back into shape after all the crazy cold/ wet weather we've been having.
Wow, that sounds fantastic, nice GAL stuff It looks like it's going to be amazing weather here, so I'll probably spend it trying to whip the yard back into shape after all the crazy cold/ wet weather we've been having.
Stander, have you actually read this thread ???
GAL has NOT been a problem in this marriage...at all
I know, I know. It's all I can do right now. I didn't go into details to W about what the trip involves. I think that's not necessary. The internet is down again today at her place so I sent a text to see if they were feeling better. My actions (at their door) can only happen as soon as the 1st week of May. I only have 13 days of leave saved up right now and I'll be using about 8 to go see them in May. It's tough being so far apart. We've just not had enough time together. But I plan on using each of those 8 days to their fullest potential.
I know, I know. It's all I can do right now. I didn't go into details to W about what the trip involves. I think that's not necessary. The internet is down again today at her place so I sent a text to see if they were feeling better. My actions (at their door) can only happen as soon as the 1st week of May. I only have 13 days of leave saved up right now and I'll be using about 8 to go see them in May. It's tough being so far apart. We've just not had enough time together. But I plan on using each of those 8 days to their fullest potential.
I'm not buying it RS....
13 days of leave 8 days planned 5 days un-accounted for
3 day weekend that I assume was leave free ????
You wanted to be different, and yet when the opportunity presented itself, your choices STILL remained the same as they always have been ( by your own admission)..
Originally Posted By: RS
We've just not had enough time together.
Your words RS.....
Your words
Things will start to change, when you embrace that change, and start becoming the change that you want to see...
