I did that and I felt like a lot of important things came out of the session, mostly that she felt neglected and professionally invalidated by me. Never my intention.
I don't think many people here did anything to intentionally hurt their spouse, but most of our spouses were indeed hurt in some way. We have to own those mistakes regardless of what our intentions were. Also, always remember to validate emotions when your W brings them up. Do not agree/ disagree/ reason/ negotiate/ explain. If she says she felt neglected then don't say "I never meant to do that", instead say "I hear you saying you felt neglected, I understand why you felt that way and I'm sorry, I want to understand what I can do to keep you from feeling this way in the future" and that will hopefully lead to your W opening up more about it. You're not so much accepting blame for it as you are letting her know that her feelings are important to you and you want to understand them as best you can.
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I know she sees the difference in me but she remains unwilling to even acknowledge it.
This takes time, a lot of time. When I changed it actually made my W angry. She said she was mad because if it was so easy for me to change, then why didn't I change before BD? Of course I didn't know I needed to change, and she came to realize that but it took months. By the way, I know this because she told me at Retrouvaille. It was the first I knew that my changes actually made her mad to begin with. She said it took her several months to get over being mad and start appreciating that maybe the changes were real.
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I still see hope despite her words and deeds.
It's difficult to hear the WAS speak in absolutes (I am DONE, there's NO hope for us, D is the ONLY way, etc.), but they do and it's pretty typical so try not to worry too much about it.
