Back to the picnic

[JuneReN]

NG
Do not carry the confidence that you are better than OW.. carry the confidence in who you are regardless of your W or OW.

Because as much as it hurts - people are entitled to make their own choices about who they want in their lives.

Live by your own moral code and let OW and W lives by there's.

Stand proud in your own selfworth.

Sometimes I find myself trying to measure up, she is pretty, younger, an athlete etc and then I remember all the things I am...I have to remind myself of these things and remind myself that they are my gifts and I should be proud and be me. But I think our self worth does take a beating in these cases and it takes awhile for us to be good again.

Sent those lyrics to H btw, he said very cryptic...CRYPTIC???? Men are truly, sometimes from Mars. I just replied that it was everything I felt and everything I aspired to as far as he was concerned and it always surprised me that with seven billion people on earth that someone felt the way I did ( of course, he doesn't know about you all lol)

Thank you, Val, very very true.

The last time i saw W, she implied that things might be different now if i had not pressed her when she first had interest in OW. i said that she could not work on our M at the same time she was hanging out with OW and she chose to hang out with OW... i think that is what motivated my statement, wondering if i had displayed enough confidence to sit and give her some space if things might have ended up differently. but then tbh i think that statement by W may just be her way to justify things on her end.

And regret is useless unless it motivates awareness and change.

Thank you, Val, your last sentence... I am working on that one. I realize that much of my self-worth is based on other's perceptions of me, instead of my own.

[JuneReN]

Oops, bad quote insert...sorry

[needgrace]

love your post, IO, it describes my OW too... and at first I was wondering when I wrote it..lol. i feel privileged to be a witness to the courage and humor you display in the midst of your sitch.

[JuneReN]

Thanks NG, but it is really I who is the privileged one . You all have helped so much. The knowledge that others are going through the same thing keeps me sane, some days

[tori2012]

Grace, the lyrics spoke to you bc they describe love free of attachment, which is true love. It's hard to do with our egos in the way, but we can aim to attain it. I think it's okay to feel pain and sadness as long as we don't become immobilized. Detachment is not about being void of feelings, but about not letting those feelings drag us down and far away from who we truly are.
Thank you for your encouragement, Grace. I treasure your words.

[Valeska19]

I'm surprised Alanis wrote such a song.. I mean does anybody else remember "jagged little pill"??

[needgrace]

i thought the same thing, val, that was one very angry break-up cd.

[bustingout]

Hi NG, how are you? xxx

[scaredsilly]

Hi Grace. I answered your question on my thread over in piecing. At least, I hope I did.

You are a wonderful person, Grace!

[needgrace]

hi all, i wanted to share here an incredible post written by ScaredSilly to me on her piecing thread. i have long looked to her as an example (not bc she is in piecing although i am so glad she is) but bc of how she did not get stuck in the feeling of shame in her sitch. this was her post to me:

"Grace, I definitely felt severe shame in the beginning of my sitch. I always tried to avoid my neighbors and would tell them my H was working out of town to explain his absence. Luckily, he did work away a lot so they were used to it. I was so ashamed of being a failure and being "dumped".

I never told anyone but my family about us. I'm retired so I didn't see our friends from work anymore, either. It was all so embarrassing. I did myself away, only going to see family and avoiding all who knew us both.

I have to say, what helped me the most was the letters and lists I wrote to myself. My H had rewritten history so much that, after the initial shock of how terrible I was, I started to rethink all of his versions of me and our marriage.

I began with a list if things I had done for him, his kids, his family, and his friends. I tried to remember everything I did that was generous, living, and considerate towards the people he said I hadn't done enough for.

The list was pretty amazing. I've devoted my life with him to making him happy and I knew that included going way overboard with his family.

It was good to see it all. It helped me to see that he was wrong about me in so many ways. Oh, I had my faults and I worked on them and made myself better but I would not let my goodness be ignored nor forgotten, if only for myself.

Then, I made a list of the things his adult daughter did to me while she lived with us for 2 1/2 years, all expenses paid by him AND me while he was away six months of the year.

It was very enlightening for me. I realized that my resentment was justified but what I did about it was my biggest problem, along with my H's reactions to his daughter.

So, to make a long story shorter, it took away a lot of my shame. I realized that I was a very worthwhile human being. I realized that I had trained people to be ungrateful by doing way too much for them and sacrificing my own needs. I also realized that I needed to find new ways of expressing my needs and my boundaries.

Looking at what I had given was my turning point. It wasn't an overnight thing but a gradual realization. I was not the only person to blame for our sitch. I was ashamed of my H and my SD, too. But that's their cross to bear. As long as my personal boundaries for my core values aren't trampled on and I'm expressing my needs in a kind and non-blaming way, I will not have shame again. I have to work on it daily.

By the way, that was BS what your W said about how things may have been different had you done something differently at the beginning of her cheating with OW. More of shifting the blame to you, trying to make you responsible for her actions and reactions.

Make the lists, Grace. I'm positive your list of what you've done for her will be pages and pages long. Make the other list, too. I'm sure you suffered."
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