Wow. Last week has been very very difficult. I had a coaching session with Chuck which left me feeling very optimistic for our marriage counseling session. Basically, Chuck told me to listen, and respond to her and focus on wanting her happiness and try to not focus on the divorce. I did that and I felt like a lot of important things came out of the session, mostly that she felt neglected and professionally invalidated by me. Never my intention. She is apparently actively looking for a new place for her and my daughter which is very difficult for me to accept but I have been trying to keep my PMA and GAL. In addition I continue to spend as much time as possible with my daughter and do as much housework as possible. I know she sees the difference in me but she remains unwilling to even acknowledge it. That's fine. I want to change all this and so I am working on it.
I picked up a copy of 5 love languages as some people noted. I am realizing how differently we each express out love. She speaks in time. I speak in affirmation. We've been expressing our love inefficiently for the others's language. My W also wanted me to read True Love by the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Nhan. I have read it twice now and find it a very insightful boom as well and am working to apply it to my sitch.
In the meantime, I am just GALing, walking a lot, reading a lot, riding my bike when I can, and spending every possible minute with my daughter. This is very hard but I am resolved. I still see hope despite her words and deeds.
Thanks for being here everyone.
Can't wait to talk to Chuck again.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
Not necessarily. I don't think so. My H quit wearing his in Dec some days he will randomly put it on & he always wears it when we are around other people.
Don't let it get to you. I think it's just one of those things that a WAS does.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Similar situation. Had no idea. H took off his ring. I am still wearing mine. Need to learn to validate, however h really says nothing freely other than convo about kids. I don't bring up any r talk. Still have a tendency to pursue ie text messages, emails. Know I need to let it go. Just so very hard. I have to learn to not respond with sarcasm.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I did that and I felt like a lot of important things came out of the session, mostly that she felt neglected and professionally invalidated by me. Never my intention.
I don't think many people here did anything to intentionally hurt their spouse, but most of our spouses were indeed hurt in some way. We have to own those mistakes regardless of what our intentions were. Also, always remember to validate emotions when your W brings them up. Do not agree/ disagree/ reason/ negotiate/ explain. If she says she felt neglected then don't say "I never meant to do that", instead say "I hear you saying you felt neglected, I understand why you felt that way and I'm sorry, I want to understand what I can do to keep you from feeling this way in the future" and that will hopefully lead to your W opening up more about it. You're not so much accepting blame for it as you are letting her know that her feelings are important to you and you want to understand them as best you can.
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I know she sees the difference in me but she remains unwilling to even acknowledge it.
This takes time, a lot of time. When I changed it actually made my W angry. She said she was mad because if it was so easy for me to change, then why didn't I change before BD? Of course I didn't know I needed to change, and she came to realize that but it took months. By the way, I know this because she told me at Retrouvaille. It was the first I knew that my changes actually made her mad to begin with. She said it took her several months to get over being mad and start appreciating that maybe the changes were real.
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I still see hope despite her words and deeds.
It's difficult to hear the WAS speak in absolutes (I am DONE, there's NO hope for us, D is the ONLY way, etc.), but they do and it's pretty typical so try not to worry too much about it.
Oh yeah... And she stopped wearing her wedding rings... Am I totally screwed?
No, that's also typical WAS stuff. A lot of people around here call this kind of stuff "script" because many WAS's behave in the same patterns as if they're following a script of some sort. And removing the wedding rings is definitely script.
I know I am supposed to detach. Do you think that if I detach long enough she will ever want to talk again? It seems like I'm just shut out altogether.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
No, that's also typical WAS stuff. A lot of people around here call this kind of stuff "script" because many WAS's behave in the same patterns as if they're following a script of some sort. And removing the wedding rings is definitely script.
Is seeing a lawyer and looking for a new apartment less than a week after dropping the bomb also script? I'm guessing it is...
Honestly, people, I am just so sad right now. In my mind I have already made some tremendous changes. This has all opened my eyes to things in the world so so very much. I want to share these realizations with her but I know that it won't do me any good and would probably constitute a cheeseless tunnel.
This is so difficult because one of her primary complaints is that I haven't paid much attention to her--and now that she has my full and undivided attention 24/7, she won't let me so much as look at her. I wish I could do something. I know it is all baby steps at this point and I can't expect anything magical to happen overnight, but I am really looking for some signs of hope. She and my daughter went to visit her brother out of town--this trip has been planned for a long time. She left me a little not that basically said "Enjoy the house and the bed" (I've been sleeping on the couch for over a week now). She signed it with "Take Care." This seems like a softening of her demeanor towards me. (Am I reading too much into this?)
Regardless, at the end of the day, she is gone, she has my daughter, and she isn't wearing her wedding ring while she is out of town. It is making me crazy but I can't do anything about it.
I am working on my goals for the next week.
1. I will spend every possible second with my daughter and that during that time I will focus on nothing but my love for my child and the bond we are sharing at that time. 2. I will continue to keep the house is great shape, cleaning wise. (I am looking to think of more signs to my wife that I am keeping up this agreement--at this point the house is so clean that sometimes I'm not even sure what to do next.) 3. My interactions with my wife will be positive and happy. I will smile and make eye contact and be as pleasant as I possibly can. If I am feeling down I will go for a walk or bike ride. 4. W will want to initiate conversation, and I will validate all she says without becoming defensive. (Is there anyway to invite conversation without pursuing?) 5. When we are with my daughter together, I will try to make eye contact with my wife and she won't turn away. 6. I will take my daughter on a fun weekend escapade by ourselves. (Not sure if I should offer to let W come along or not?)
Please help me refine my goals.
Thank you so much everyone. I am so down right now, your words are very reassuring at times.
ME 30. Wife 31. Married 4 years. Together 10. One child, 17months old. Bomb Dropped 3/25/13 Wife wants a divorce. I had no idea.
So, "keeping a perfect house" -- this is what you would do if you suddenly lost her? Being messy is something about your SELF that always bothered you?
I'm sorry Inc, but all I see here is more placating of your wife. I've personally never seen that approach work. You're SPRINTING, and you won't be able to keep this up.
What did Chuck suggest about dealing with the affair?
