I want to share with you my experiences with other people. In my case very few who know our situation. Including my doctor, they are all telling me that it will be fine, and I will be okay. Do they think that I don't know that? What also they don't know that, for 15 years I was loved, a lot, I loved tremendously. I had not only a lover, but a best friend, a life partner. Those are all gone. He was a great husband until this whole mess started, sometimes I wish the opposite, I was always proud of him (now he claims that I never appreciated him). I know that I will not die, not at least because of a heart break, but my life will never be the same... Don't ever tell me that it will be okay...
I find this hard to deal with too. One day you have a friend and confidant, the next day no one to talk things over with! My H claims I only want him to work and bring in the money and I do not appreciate him.
Sometimes banging my head against a brick wall seems very appealing
Me: 49. Him: 51 M: 28 years T: 30 DD27, DD26, DD18 (still at home) Get suspicious Sept '12 World exploded 6 Dec '12
Pretty hard day. We are distanced. It was his birthday yesterday, I ignored it. I reminded to the kids so they made cards and etc. We were pretty cold this morning at my son's therapist. When the doctor asked how were things between us, the abruptly responded as not well, and not improving, and at one point we needed to make plans. I held my ground. He is certainly the guy I had been married for 15 years. Do I still "not buy" what he is saying or ask him to move out? So hard... Do I at least ask him to move to the guest room or offer him to prepare it for him?
On one hand, seeing him "unnaturally inflexible and stubborn" about giving us a chance, depressed, stressed out, and drinking a lot gives me some weird sense of hope that this is probably a phase (MLC) and will go away eventually. But some days like this make it so difficult to move on with my life. Thank you all for being here...
_________________________ Me: 42 Him: 42 M: 15 years T: 16 S10, D4 H changing since Sept 2011 World exploded 9 Dec 2012
_________________________ Me: 42 Him: 42 M: 15 years T: 16 S10, D4 H changing since Sept 2011, MLC very likely World exploded 9 Dec 2012
I opened another thread by mistake, and I was advised to stay on one. This is the link to my second tread. It is about physical intimacy with H during the detachment period. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...143#Post2332143
_________________________ Me: 42 Him: 42 M: 15 years T: 16 S10, D4 H changing since Sept 2011, MLC very likely World exploded 9 Dec 2012
MAL, Don't worry about opening a second thread, I just mentioned about saying w/one for the future.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would suggest that you follow his lead because if you were to initiate it, it must might scare him even further into the tunnel. Keep in mind, mlcers do not look at "making love" the same way that a normal person would in a relationship. Right now it's just sex, no emotions attached to it.
Hi MaL,
I just wanted to comment on this from your other thread, I say "do what works". Also, there's a nice post from MWD on this forum of things to consider in this aspect.
And snodderly always has great advice. She always says "follow his lead". In my sitch, there were times of intimacy and times without. I totally agree that a person in MLC is not looking for emotional intimacy but it is a tie with you that keeps some of his heart there. You hafta not let it break your heart when it's not the magic potion that brings him back, but there is a time and a place for it if he is interested (keeping in mind STD's always).
There's also a time and place for saying "no" when he is interested also. Only you can decide I think.
I hungrily devoured the Laura Munson book twice soon after my H moved out. It did give me courage and hope. I even emailed her and she emailed me back and said "if the commitment is to take care of yourself and get out of his way then you are in a good place."
Keep reading, posting, hoping, and working on yourself Wishing you strength and courage, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Update: We are in a very strange place. I really do not know what to make out of it.
I am detached, really. Hurt, but functioning. When I pulled myself away completely, ignored him, only responded as needed his reaction was very strong. He got furious within a day. He yelled at me for no logical reason, almost he was trying to create an excuse to be mean to mean to me. I stood my ground. Did not loose control. That was 3/22.
Last week I was home for spring break. I spend some nice time with the kids. We stayed local. Lots of play dates and some skiing. We continued keeping minimal contact. it seemed like he wanted to keep communication lines open. But I exercised extreme caution. Then came evening of 3/30. I was already agitated due to some other issues. So I stayed away most of the day. When I came he had done barbecue and we had a very close friend (who knows about the situation) with her kids. They were waiting for me. She describes our situation as a circus... We ate, had a little too much to drink (I have been avoiding alcohol for longest time). I was still relaxed, and not looking for any confrontation. But as soon as our friend left he started to get very argumentative. I remained calm, he kept on going and going. Then I snapped. I lost all control. He panicked, and tried to help. The rest is blurry but he was about to call the hospital when I started to calm down. I don't remember the rest, except that he apologized a whole lot, first since for long time.
We both have very busy lives. Still we have a very organized life like never before, everything works like a clock. Everyone has tasks that he/she does automatically. Very peaceful... No personal contact. After kids go to bed he sits on our usual sofa, seeming to wait for me. I sit, he asks if I want to watch anything, which I leave it up to him, he usually picks something we both like. Last night he was watching a soccer game, which I would not be interested in, he switched to NBA when I walked in, my favorite. I moved to bed rather quickly, he spent the night on the sofa. Was he hurt? Did he want me to stay with him and watch the NBA game? I had done the same last weekend - sleeping on the sofa, despite him asking me to go back to bed.
He stays around me, he watches me. He called me "darling" once, by mistake or not? He started calling my phone to let us know that he is on his way. I almost think that his reactions are improvements for our marriage. He may be getting closer to me, see if we can rebuilt our marriage, or trying to build a civilized relationship for the sake of the kids, especially for after divorce. I don't know, and I cannot ask since I am not ready to hear the answer and also I don't believe he has the answer.
By no means I am bringing my hopes up. I am still very very sad, and scared. I am just observing. He is a very smart person, and I don't know what kind of games he may be in to it...
_________________________ Me: 42 Him: 42 M: 15 years T: 16 S10, D4 H changing since Sept 2011, MLC very likely World exploded 9 Dec 2012
I am not sure for how long I can continue to live like this. Maybe I will ask him to move to the guest room. He again made dinner plans for Saturday evening. He will cook some special food. He checked with me if we had other plans, he was actually asking my plans...
_________________________ Me: 42 Him: 42 M: 15 years T: 16 S10, D4 H changing since Sept 2011, MLC very likely World exploded 9 Dec 2012
We still live in the same house. I am sensing some changes. But I also changes. Very simple question, I am sure the answer is complicated: How do I know it is getting to the end? How do I know if he is just being nice or tying to test the waters? Thanks!
_________________________ Me: 42 Him: 42 M: 15 years T: 16 S10, D4 H changing since Sept 2011, MLC very likely World exploded 9 Dec 2012
I just read through your earlier posts. Our relationship sounds very familiar. My H has moved though and has little to no contact with me.
I hope you're sensing correctly and that things improve for you.
Take care
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
