I found Limbo Land

[mrtwopointfour]

I do need some advice - yes i am having a bad day today so maybe this is not helping my thought pattern.

Seems my W expects me to sort everything. I get the feeling she annoyed and frustrated because I am not sorting and thinking about every issue that needs to be dealt with as we work slowly towards D (for instance how sharing kids custody will work out). Quite frankly its because I don't want to do some of these things, because it will make the path to D quicker and easier for W. But more to the point, W seems to be wanting me to lead - and does not seem willing to do these things herself.

Do I show that I can take the lead and be more decisive (which is something I lacked before now in our R - before i was more controlling in a parent / child style) even though its leading on things I really don't want to do??

[mrtwopointfour]

I think thats what i will do next!

I have however reviewed by 180's which are here. I will keep tweaking them as I find out more, discover some are not as relevant as I thought.

• Tidy as I go, don't step over things - pick them up and put away, empty the bin, clean up dog mess, do the dishwasher. Don't get involved in things she is already doing, find something else to do.
• Relax around kids, don't stress about them or whether the get ill, and enjoy their company.
• Give her space and independence - no snooping, no asking questions, no reaction when she goes away / out
• Look after myself, dress well, go to gym, smell good, keep those old man hairs trimmed!
• Listen to everything she has to say, really listen and take it in, and do not interrupt
• Do not agree to something or about something just because she wants / likes it - have my own opinion
  If i say / agree to do something - do it straight away or asap!
• Take the lead on clearing finances and debt. And keep a tight eye on expenditure.
• Get my own life - be exciting like I was when we met!
• Do not take her for granted.
• Show her how much you appreciate her and what she does. For instance notice when she cleans the house or give her praise for something she has done well.

[mrtwopointfour]

Right onto my goals, these are not too different as I have not really reached any to move them on yet. Would be great to feel like W is not avoiding contact - even touching when passing something at the moment!

• W to discuss future plans for holidays. At the moment its always avoided.
• W to stop talking about being separated in the future.
• W to sit in same room as me to watch TV at night.
• We will go out for a meal / cinema together
• W will stop avoiding physical contact with me
• W will begin to slow down on negative comments towards me and my actions.

[Verum]

Do I show that I can take the lead and be more decisive (which is something I lacked before now in our R - before i was more controlling in a parent / child style) even though its leading on things I really don't want to do??

Definitely not in my opinion. Why do anything to help Divorce when you don't want it?

[Papa4Life]

Wow, Mr2.4, the more I read of your thread, the more similarities I see with my own sitch. I have many of the same 180s, goals, and concerns that you do: helping with household chores, hoping W will agree to a night out together, trying to be a much better listener etc.

I also have to wonder: how do I go along with W's wishes to move into a place of her own if that's EXACTLY what I DON'T want?! If I don't go along with it, she'll probably think it's more of the same from when I left a lot of the household responsibilities to her. But if I take a proactive approach, I'll just be easing her out the door that much sooner. It's a real dilemma and one I don't have a good answer for. I wish you the best in your DBing efforts.

[mrtwopointfour]

Definitely not in my opinion. Why do anything to help Divorce when you don't want it?

True, I only worry that its leads to more of the same (as Papa4life says below).

Maybe this is where i start to think about boundaries? I will lead to the point where its helping our lifestyle improve, and ensuring I have thought about things for my own good for when / if we S or D. But anything beyond that I pull back from.

[mrtwopointfour]

Ha, it was below - now its above!

[JuneReN]

Right onto my goals, these are not too different as I have not really reached any to move them on yet. Would be great to feel like W is not avoiding contact - even touching when passing something at the moment!

• W to discuss future plans for holidays. At the moment its always avoided.
• W to stop talking about being separated in the future.
• W to sit in same room as me to watch TV at night.
• We will go out for a meal / cinema together
• W will stop avoiding physical contact with me
• W will begin to slow down on negative comments towards me and my actions.

Psst...these are not goals....

[mrtwopointfour]

Oh dear - looks like am back to reading DR again. I understood from the examples that I need to have a main goal. Such as W will fall back in love with me again, and I will have a better life for myself. And then find some smaller goals to achieve to get to that.

Have I got it completely wrong or just worded them in the wrong way?

[JuneReN]

Just you can't make someone else do stuff.....do you understand? If your actions and 180s lead to these, okay, but they should not be your goal.

A goal is something you set for you, not for someone else. So if you want to say have a discussion about future holidays with W and not avoid it, cool. You can't make W slow down on negative comments. You can choose to ignore them or confront them calmly or say that it is unacceptable, but you can't make her stop.

Maybe I am just reading them wrong, because when I turn them around like that they make sense. But when you state absolutes for someone else to achieve, they seem like " She will do this " and I am telling you all you can do is make your own choices and guide your own actions