Where as if W says "I'm so worried about affording somewhere nice to live" I could answer with " i understand that you are concerned, why do you think you can't afford somewhere nice?"
Or have I got that wrong??
That 2nd is probably not the best example because it's probably not a real strong expression of feelings, and strong feelings is where validation kicks in. IE, if her mother were in the hospital and she said she was worried, that is DEFINITELY a time for validation. But if she's just mentioning in passing that she's not sure y'all can afford something then it might make more sense to try and talk that through to determine whether or not you really can afford it. Does that make sense?
To put it another way, let's say she said "I'm worried about affording somewhere nice to live" and you said "OK let's look at the finances" (this is not validation, but may be appropriate in this case), but then after you looked at them you did indeed determine you cannot afford to move. Let's also say that your current house is perfectly adequate. After this determination your W says "I'm upset". THIS is the time for validation. Your inclination might be to say "but our current house is great, there's nothing to worry about!" That would be invalidating how she feels. Instead you should say "you do sound upset, how upset do you feel?" Note that you should never respond with the old fall-back "What's wrong?" because it's a loaded question- it implies there's something wrong with her and thus the only safe answer for her is "nothing" (sound familiar?) Anyway, she might reply with "I'm VERY upset!" after which you can ask her further questions about how she feels.
Retrouvaille is all about teaching how to communicate emotions to each other, and the goal is simply to understand the other person's emotions- how strong they are on a scale of 1-10, what other life experiences the current emotions can be related to, even what color the current emotions makes the person think of. The goal is to accomplish this with no attempt to fix/ explain/ justify/ agree/ disagree/ etc. RetroV will really show you how incredibly hard it is to do this because we're simply not brought up this way, but how rewarding it is when you can do it properly. People hear these techniques and think there's no way they work, but they really do. When you seek to understand the feelings of others you make a deep connection with them.
That 2nd is probably not the best example because it's probably not a real strong expression of feelings, and strong feelings is where validation kicks in. IE, if her mother were in the hospital and she said she was worried, that is DEFINITELY a time for validation. But if she's just mentioning in passing that she's not sure y'all can afford something then it might make more sense to try and talk that through to determine whether or not you really can afford it. Does that make sense?
Yes I think so. It has to be something that is a true emotion before I validate it. Feeling depressed, Upset, Worried (for instance about the health of somebody), Angry, etc.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Validation is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ explaining/ negotiating/ etc. The idea is to A) encourage the other person to share more feelings and B) let them know their feelings are valid, important and legitimate.
Is there a thread with tips/advice on validation? It's an area I realize I need to improve upon.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Validation is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ explaining/ negotiating/ etc. The idea is to A) encourage the other person to share more feelings and B) let them know their feelings are valid, important and legitimate.
Is there a thread with tips/advice on validation? It's an area I realize I need to improve upon.
I have to agree, its not something I am finding easy to get my head around.
To me it feels like I am going to almost be W's counsellor and try and get her to talk and expand on her feelings and emotions, rather than let them become toxic thoughts in her own head (not doing this before is what got me into this sitch in the first place.) By not listening or talking to wife, just telling her it would all be ok, all those thoughts and feelings have turned to resentment towards me and W's depression & unhappiness has been directed towards our M being the issue.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Is there a thread with tips/advice on validation? It's an area I realize I need to improve upon.
No, and unfortunately MWD only touches on it briefly in DR. One of the other guys asked me to start a thread on it and I plan on doing that at some point. RetroV is a tremendous resource for learning validation, but it's only open to couples, there is only a small amount of documentation and participants are asked not to share it. So I try to describe validation here in my posts in a way that does not jeopardize what works about RetroV for those that do go while still describing it enough to help those that will never go.
Having a rough day today. Starting thinking about W being with OM today, although its still not concrete that she has been physically - just the thought of it, and also the future where my kids may know OM as my Ws partner is eating me up inside. I can feel tightness in my chest when I think about it.
I'm trying not to! I know its no good to have these thoughts, but just having a down day. The fact I feel my wife has checked out her emotions and feelings from me and our R and now giving them to OM is spinning in my head. Feeling a little betrayed and helpless.
I have however realised a few more 180's.
One is that I have a tendency to say I will do something and never get around to it. W commented on this so a big 180 for me is, don't say I am going to do anything if I don't intend to action it. And as soon I say I will do something, do it straight away! I can see this irritates W so its something i need to address right away.
Also, I need to control our finances and get debt paid off. This is a huge stress for us both and I have buried my head in the sand. I am going to the pro-active one here and get this underway and show some signs that change can happen without D.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
