Reb, i have to tell you about my H smoking. He had given up for 20 years. Then 1.5 years ago, due to pressures at work and I guess his unhappiness in the M, he took it up again. I really could not let it go for ages. I couldn't believe that the whole world was trying to GIVE it up and my idiot H was TAKING it up. I tried for months to let it go. It was not really a deal breaker for me, but I guess I just couldnt comprehend such a stupid act on his part. I'd tell myself it wasn't my problem, and sometimes I was OK but mostly I took it personally, like he doesn't understand or care how this affects me and the family. My daughter is studying nursing and learned about the terrible effects of smoking. She also tried to talk to him. She gave him an ultimatum, give it up or I am not interested in an R with you..I can't stand by and watch you kill yourself. OK, so its probably not the best thing to say but she is young and she loves her dad..understandable. She thought he would stop for her. His response was, I will do what I want, I enjoy it so I won't stop.
She was devastated as was I. I let it eat me up for months. I had to find a way to deal with it, unsuccessfully. I mentioned it more than I should have and eventually he went off on his BD rant and told me that our M was over for good. He was never changing his mind. I couldn't believe that he would rather smoke than be married to me or have an R with his kids.
I started on my way to DB'ing. It still hurt that he wanted to smoke so much and didn't seem to care about us or his health, but eventually, I got that it was his choice to make. I decided that.."if he goes to hospital due to smoking related illness in the future, MY CHOICE is that I would not visit him, I would not support him or care". Look, it probably isn't a very nice thing to think, but it worked for me. I let it go completely. I never mentioned it again.
He is now trying to give up on his own accord.
Its tough alright. Like DB'ing..but so worth it if you can hang in there.
