M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Reb, i have to tell you about my H smoking. He had given up for 20 years. Then 1.5 years ago, due to pressures at work and I guess his unhappiness in the M, he took it up again. I really could not let it go for ages. I couldn't believe that the whole world was trying to GIVE it up and my idiot H was TAKING it up. I tried for months to let it go. It was not really a deal breaker for me, but I guess I just couldnt comprehend such a stupid act on his part. I'd tell myself it wasn't my problem, and sometimes I was OK but mostly I took it personally, like he doesn't understand or care how this affects me and the family. My daughter is studying nursing and learned about the terrible effects of smoking. She also tried to talk to him. She gave him an ultimatum, give it up or I am not interested in an R with you..I can't stand by and watch you kill yourself. OK, so its probably not the best thing to say but she is young and she loves her dad..understandable. She thought he would stop for her. His response was, I will do what I want, I enjoy it so I won't stop.
She was devastated as was I. I let it eat me up for months. I had to find a way to deal with it, unsuccessfully. I mentioned it more than I should have and eventually he went off on his BD rant and told me that our M was over for good. He was never changing his mind. I couldn't believe that he would rather smoke than be married to me or have an R with his kids.
I started on my way to DB'ing. It still hurt that he wanted to smoke so much and didn't seem to care about us or his health, but eventually, I got that it was his choice to make. I decided that.."if he goes to hospital due to smoking related illness in the future, MY CHOICE is that I would not visit him, I would not support him or care". Look, it probably isn't a very nice thing to think, but it worked for me. I let it go completely. I never mentioned it again.
He is now trying to give up on his own accord.
Its tough alright. Like DB'ing..but so worth it if you can hang in there.
GB, thank you for sharing your experience. I always thought that by 'condoning' or not taking issue with a bad habit or behavior that I was approving of the behavior. But I used that term early on here & was corrected; condoning suggests control that I do not have over H. I just never thought to apply that to his drinking too. I appreciate the perspective.
I was worried earlier tonight about whether or not to contact H, but he texted me and it's feeling awkward and weird! I feel like I need a WAS manual to reference...
He's luring d17 to her surprise party tomorrow & made excuse about working on her actual birthday (monday).
Then he sends text 'To be clear, I said I might have to work on her bday. I want to be very careful about lying even for this small thing.' Okay that's strange (especially considering his recent history). Plus it's never a good sign when you have to point out 'okay now this time i'm being honest'. Or maybe he's trying to express his intent to be honorable from now on... I just replied 'that's really good. thank you'. It's an out-of-character awkward statement to send, though.
H offered to pressure wash my patio tomorrow for party while I'm at work & I reminded him to bring a change of clothes in case he gets drenched. He just replied that he would & will go to gym to shower & change. Huh? Is he really that uncomfortable or is he trying to show respect for my space or is he sending a message that he wants to stay the heck away from my private quarters?
I understand this is all mindreading and there are no real answers to be had. Just the highs and lows of the last couple days, ending on a WTH? note. I don't think this is a case of 'I can't be satisfied with anything', I've expressed sincere appreciation for H's help. I think he's just trying to feel his way through this new R between us and it makes me laugh a little and cringe at how awkward it is.
Maybe this is something to be learned on my end. I've already stated that he was unwelcome in my home for a long time because of his lies and absence. I guess I sent that message loud and clear last fall and it will be my job to show that I can be relaxed and have a good co-parent or future relationship with him. I replied 'you sure don't have to go to gym :)' But maybe this is pursuing?
This second guessing every move is getting ridiculous!
Goal for tomorrow: be relaxed, PMA, be happy, have fun! Offer love & support to H and all party guests. And have no expectations. If H wants to be all weird that is his choice, I don't need to be weird in return (although it feels a little like rug sweeping).
I think I'm going to extend trust by leaving the house alarm off tomorrow & letting him know he can come inside if he needs anything. Like labug pointed out, I don't have anything to hide.
Oh duh, maybe he didn't realize I would be home by time he was done washing patio and that's why he was offering to go to gym. He didn't think he could get inside. I was planning on coming home early to finish preparing for party.
Okay well who knows, I'll still leave alarm off tomorrow & I'll be home very early so we'll have to see how that goes.
Hi Reb... I like your goal... Do as you say !! Have a good time, no expectations, and DETACH (regardless of h's mood/weirdness), have your own good time for you and your daughter! Show your strength (attractive). If you cannot do that, then "act as if" = same results !!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Just found out that H's friend is coming tonight too. I invited him but never heard back so I thought he wasn't coming. Blech! Now I want to hide.
How am I going to get through the evening acting friendly and gracious with those two judging me?! I think I bit off too much for tonight. I'm already crying and it's only 7am. I'm a stressed out worrier by nature and now add this drama into the mix!
put on an awesome outfit, have hair & nails done nicely, put on a smile & YOU CAN DO THIS !!
Be friendly to h's buddy.
BE THE WOMAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
His response was, I will do what I want, I enjoy it so I won't stop.
My dad is addicted to smoking as well. His version of "quitting" is to flush all his remaining cigarettes down the toilet, make a public declaration to the family that he's finally done smoking, then go buy more and secretly smoke them behind the garage. He's nearly 80, but his quality of life has seriously deteriorated over the last 10 years. When I look at pictures of him from 10 years ago I can scarcely believe it's the same person. In the last decade he's had multiple heart attacks, a stroke, quintuple bypass surgury, a pacemaker installed, throat cancer with radiation and chemo treatments. Smoking has destroyed his body and his outlook on life, and yet he STILL can't stop.
