T, I do believe we can be happy after all this. But we will not ever be the same. In some ways, at least for me, that is a good thing as I changed in some really positive ways.
But, to be honest, it has also changed my views on love and committment. I hope one day that I will feel differently, I am just not completely there yet.
As I said to Bea, my xh was such a huge part of my life's story. He was a huge part of what I thought my future was going to look like.
I could not be with him as he is now. But that doesnt stop me from remembering who he once was and feeling a bit sad about it.
It doesnt stop me from looking at my son, who was so angry that his father left, that he put a huge tattoo on his arm from a song about a Captain who was away at sea and who left his children. It is basically an f u to his dad, which breaks my heart.
It doesnt stop me from looking around at the holidays and feeling the loss.
But it also doesnt stop me from having hope that one day I will find happiness with someone who loves me for who I am.
It doesnt stop me from being at peace that I loved with all my heart, so much that I let him go.
It doesnt stop me from believing that I deserve happiness and peace.
So, T, will you ever truly be happy? I have great hope that you will be. Will it ever not hurt? In time, the hurt is like a healed scar. Still there under the surface, but, no longer searing pain.
We just do the best we can in this life. And maybe, if we are very lucky, happiness and peace comes from knowing we did.
