Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

Hey friends! I'm still hanging in there. If feel like I have a million things to get ready before my world turns upside down next week. That should be quite the adventure. I'm not making many plans, just going with the flow.

I think H got a little frightened by how much he was sticking his head out of the tunnel. He loves having me to talk to. I know he feels comfortable with me. He likes the back and forth. On FB that has to be driving all the OW batty. I don't know how they can't question it or what the heck he has told them. People think it is so strange that we seem like best friends. He has told me that people have said it's so weird we have the relationship we do, but we are separated. I feel his thoughts are that he can never be with me again because he has messed up so much or perhaps that he can still have this relationship and everything else too, and get divorced, but that i i will find someone else and be super happy. Such a surface level approach to problem solving, as if you can swap and replace people, marriage, and feelings with just a snap. More self loathing, selfish, out of control crap. It's so annoying that he can't just take responsibility for himself.

I think there is trouble in paradise. He cut OW4 out for several days without hardly a reason why. Basically a "f-off." Then contacted her again and apologized, and hooked up with her. Almost like he was trying to end things but hormones got in the way. Few days after that he he went to see OW1 late at night, but didn't stay long at all. Maybe she is done with him now too. He seems really irritated the last few times I've seen him. I've backed way off. I'm sure next week is completely freaking him out.

So anyway, just seems like sitch life is repeating. One step out of the tunnel followed by five belly crawls back in. And my daily thoughts always include filing for D. Maybe it just seems like an easier route right now, and I just feel so exhausted and broken down by this whole thing. Maybe I'll feel differently once I'm not so tired and sore from pregnancy too. I'm burned out.