I feel for ya man. I am going through almost the exact same sitch with my wife and I can tell you that it truly is a marathon, not a sprint.
Some key points I'd like to share that I learned the hard way:
1.) Do not argue, or at least reduce the arguments (it's going to happen, we are human so if it does happen try to disengage ASAP and when both of you are cooled down, whether it's an hour or a day later, apologize for your part and don't hold it against her).
2.) Do everything with no expectations. I have been with my W for over 10 years and I have grown into being dependent on her and her approval. I found my security of myself was wrapped up in her. This is unhealthy, and is hard to change. She was in the military and so we moved around a lot and with me being the spouse (H's are the minority in that role) finding and making friends outside of the relationship was very difficult.
3.) Find and make new, healthy, relationships. Guy, Gal, a dog, doesn't matter. Your life should not revolve around your W anymore (goes along with the GAL, but I know I had a hard time figuring out what GAL really meant for ME). Having kids adds a different mix to the soup, but take some time for yourself as well. Make sure you have one or two nights a week which are "guys night" and stick to them. I understand life is busy but try to work it in there. We need good adult time, and stay our of bars, taverns, etc.. Or if you do go limit yourself on the drinks. I have found it's safer to get blasted at home where absolutely NO ONE can see you and possibly report back to your W. It's easier explaining things when you are not under the control of a substance.
4.) (last one I promise) Meditation, Yoga, Pilates, whatever. Do it, exercise has a physiological effect on our body that produces endorphins that make us happy and positive. I am super busy so I also use this as my ME time to get away from the world. Use this time to focus on you, clear away the crap/reset the meter so to speak, and put all of your pent up negative energy into beating on your body/weights. When I am at the gym I don't worry about my sitch, my bills, my job, nothing. Leave it at the door and what you do bring with you into the gym take that energy worrying about it and put it into pushing some weight. The great thing about this is that not only will you be in better physical shape but you will also be in better mental and emotional shape to face your day. It's a win-win.
I will also recommend a great book to read to help you make permanent life changes, "Hero Living" by Rudy Reyes. It is on the Amazon Kindle along with the usual paperback/hardback.
25yrsmlc,
I have learned a lot reading this topic and wanted to thank you for your continued insight and let you know that I appreciate you posting in the open forum.
Response from my wife was nice and simple. " I'm sure we can work something out" Also stumbled upon a meditation space around the corner from my work who are running a happiness project. I went to a talk/ workshop last night that covered the ideas of adjusting ones attitude and taking control of your life and your own happiness. It was great and quite simple and just what I needed to hear to start taking on the challenge with a PMA. I think I'm ready.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Thanks for the great post. Some excellent ideas that I have already started implementing with re: to exercise and having no expectations. the hardest part has been letting go of worrying what W is thinking, doing and what she is feeling towards me. I was snooping around the house for a week there and this was doing my head in, made me feel worse. I put a stop to that and now going full steam with detaching and GAL.
How is your situation going Natewade51...any progress? why dont you put up a post and share your last few weeks.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
hey here is a post on detachment. If I'm repeating myself I apologize but I am in a bit of a rush atm.
Here goes...
"This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded, and we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle. Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
As for detach and GAL it's definitely not easy, but as I always say anything worthwhile is NEVER easy. The hardest part for me is balancing being indifferent and not malicious. You cannot do something to be malicious or "one up" her. It will only work against you. Always stay calm and collected and always think through any decision and ask yourself "Am I doing this because it is best for me? Or am I doing this to "one up" my W?"
I have learned the hard way that snooping never works out in your favor. There are some things I did back in December that if I hadn't we probably would be farther along at a full reconcile than what we are at now. In fact I'm fairly certain of it, BUT also realize you are human and you are going to make mistakes. Do not linger on these mistakes, take the opportunity to learn from them but do not let them drag you down.
Have been thinking back to today and remembering all the good things I did for my family and my W even if my W wont acknowledge it. Our shared responsibility for the health of our marriage is also clearer to me know and so is the fact that we both let the ball drop.
I am accountable for the things i said and did in the past, but my view of the last 1-2 years is a bit more balanced and can recognise that marriage is a lot of hard work where two people have to commit to it. You have to question the health of the marriage constantly and review the things that could be better, the things that are great and accept the things that arent so good but not detrimental to the marriage itself. Its too easy to just kick along thinking that things are OK without questioning how things could be better.
But if both people in a marriage are suffering form personal issues, lack of self esteem or depression etc, its makes it so much harder to pull together and work on it. This is when we start blaming the other for our problems and once you start playing that blame game things start to go pear shaped.
My W and I got stuck in that rut unfortunately but i am on the path to recognising that I alone am responsible for my happiness, that i need to look after my own mental attitude and accept that sometimes in life you need help. I think my wife is still blaming me for her unhappiness. I guess thats for her to work out, but I now have a better understanding that I was not too blame, it is much clearer to me. This helps me to move on and focus on the changes I want to make for me.
This morning i woke up and felt a little better about detaching, worrying a little less about what she is doing thinking. I had a productive morning, did the washing, the shopping and about to go for a swim and spend the afternoon doing some work.
Everyday seems to get easier to get on with my life, to focus on the things that make me feel better and help me become a better man. During a low point yesterday afternoon I looked at myself in the mirror and felt like a little boy..not a man. I am not sure why that was, but it really affected me. Why cant i consider myself as a man? I realise that this is an issue that i need to address and it could be as a result of what i am going through. I know that as i progress through my journey i will regain that sense of value as a man, a father, a husband.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Spoke with W and there was a bit of misunderstanding over transition/ pick with our sons. I thought i was picking them up tomorrow, but she got a spontaneous invitation to go and see a friend and expected me to pick them up this afternoon.
Conversation was a little tense and I mentioned that i was not aware she wanted me to pick them up today and that i had planned to go to work and catch up on some things. She wasnt too impressed and suggested that I had not communicated very well with her. I kept the conversation going and we decided i would pick them up tomorrow morning which was i had gathered from a text message she had sent me. I could feel the tension but i stayed friendly and wrapped up the conversation.
She is still harbouring anger towards me. Its hard to keep it all friendly and I could have changed my plans to accommodate her, but I am not sure this is the right attitude. Just drop everything because she gets an invitation to go out? I suggested that i could take the boys next weekend so she could see her friend if that worked for her, but she mentioned that it was a last minute thing and today would have been better.
What are peoples opinions on this kind of thing? I want to be friendly and supportive but I also don't want to just do whatever she wants me to do as I dont think this will diffuse her anger with me in the long term, she will just find something else to be resentful about. Its a tricky one, but i think i handled it respectfully to her but more importantly respectful to myself. IS that being too arrogant or "RIGHT".
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Have been thinking back to today and remembering all the good things I did for my family and my W even if my W wont acknowledge it. Our shared responsibility for the health of our marriage is also clearer to me know and so is the fact that we both let the ball drop.
I won't argue this^^ or deny it. I wasn't there. But how does it help you NOW? I mean, aren't you just doing more measuring and scorekeeping, again?
I am accountable for the things i said and did in the past, but my view of the last 1-2 years is a bit more balanced and can recognise that marriage is a lot of hard work where two people have to commit to it. You have to question the health of the marriage constantly and review the things that could be better, the things that are great and accept the things that arent so good but not detrimental to the marriage itself. Its too easy to just kick along thinking that things are OK without questioning how things could be better.
But if both people in a marriage are suffering form personal issues, lack of self esteem or depression etc, its makes it so much harder to pull together and work on it. This is when we start blaming the other for our problems and once you start playing that blame game things start to go pear shaped.
back to YOU....please...
My W and I got stuck in that rut unfortunately but i am on the path to recognising that I alone am responsible for my happiness, that i need to look after my own mental attitude and accept that sometimes in life you need help. if you stopped HERE you could get farther faster....you really are reverting to the old ways. Just stay in YOUR SANDBOX and out of hers.
You have a pretty constant need to keep score and blame WHILE saying it's bad for the m...
I think my wife is still blaming me for her unhappiness. I guess thats for her to work out, but I now have a better understanding that I was not too blame, it is much clearer to me. This helps me to move on and focus on the changes I want to make for me. does it really help you move on? Or is it guilt that got too heavy so you chose to blame her some more to make yourself feel better? Tearing her down is not a healthy way for you to raise your self esteem.
That's what you need to wrap your brain around.
This morning i woke up and felt a little better about detaching, worrying a little less about what she is doing thinking. I had a productive morning, did the washing, the shopping and about to go for a swim and spend the afternoon doing some work.
Everyday seems to get easier to get on with my life, to focus on the things that make me feel better and help me become a better man. During a low point yesterday afternoon I looked at myself in the mirror and felt like a little boy..not a man. I am not sure why that was, but it really affected me.
Why cant i consider myself as a man? I realise that this is an issue that i need to address and it could be as a result of what i am going through. I know that as i progress through my journey i will regain that sense of value as a man, a father, a husband.
you will get this internally, by the journey you take inward and facing the challenges you will face. You must overcome your fears which are usually related to OR causes of scorekeeping, blaming others and feelings of insecurity and anger.
Externally, your actions must be consistent with a "manly man" or at least the man you want to become.
Some say "do the outer work first and it'll come", sort of 'faking it til you make it". Even some actors say it's their "method" of changing, outside in.
OTHERS say the outer work won't come til the inner work is done.
I say work on both. Don't give yourself an excuse for delaying. Time is short.
Life is short.
You can do this. Become a man only a fool would leave.
Envision who he looks like, get some positive role models (even if they are only imaginary at first, you can imagine what healthy behavior looks like. My favorite brother is a real hero to me. He confessed his first hero role model was Captain Kirk from Star Trek...whatever works...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I guess you are right, I am playing the blame game whilst saying how bad that is. It is very frustrating for me because my wife does blame me for a lot of whats going on for her and it is difficult navigate around her anger. Its not impossible but its very challenging.
How long will her anger go on for?..its been going for 3-4 months now and I thought it would soften when she took her ring off or announced she no longer wanted to continue the M. It has probably only got worse and my dissapointment stems from expectations that I should not have had in the first place.
I guess this is where the lesson of patience kicks in? And also your quotes on detaching. Rather than say "her anger is throwing me off my goals" i should accept that this is the situation/ challenge I face and find ways to navigate around it in a solution focused and positive way and just keep on truckin'
Keep positive in the face of adversity...I need to practice this all the time!!
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
You are spot on with your thought. Detachment and patience. Detachment and patience (repeat as needed.)
How long does the anger last? As long as it does. There is no guideline or time that it may end. Take that out of your thought process. Time is inconsequential when it comes to anger. They need to figure out what they are really angry at (could be you, but often it is not in my experience) and deal with it. That takes as long as it takes. Just like it does for you
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
