A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[Tallula]

((((HUGS))))

Same as you, I am always reading on your sitch and thinking of you.

One thing my friend has said to me, that helps is this. My H loves me. Your H loves you. But, that love hurts, so it isn't good for us.

It helps me when I spin about whether he cares. He does. It's the best he has. Which is way less than you deserve.

[keep_going]

Thanks, T. Yes, we all have different definitions of love.

I am realizing more and more that even though our marital relationship is over, a successful co-parenting one will require much of the same work needed to fix or be successful in a M. We still need to listen, empathize, understand, compromise, validate, work as a team, find common ground, be kind and cooperative, be open, have good communication. At least that is my definition, but I think not my H's...

I guess I just don't see how if my H was not willing to make any further effort in those areas to fix our M, how he would do so for the sake of successful co-parenting. I don't think he will bring down his walls with me in order to achieve this, so I am very skeptical that we will be successful at it.

I see our future more like parallel paths where he raises the kids in the way he sees fit and I do the same. He teaches them what he thinks about religion, values, life and anything.

For instance - my D5 has been starting to ask a lot about death, God, life after death / Heaven, etc. I wonder what he tells her when she asks him... We both had very similar catholic upbringings, so I assume we will be for the most part somewhat in line in our teachings. Yet, I don't know for sure and my H's walls are too high for him to want to share any of that with me.

I see us reaching basic agreements re. the school they go to, extra-curricular activities, we'll follow our custody schedules peacefully and hopefully we won't interfere with each other's decisions. We'll inform the other on illnesses, any major problems or changes and that will be it.

If he has concerns about something, he won't come to me. He will find solutions on his own and just inform me of the issue and his approach, like he has done so far. I will probably do the same.

Yeah, peaceful parallel parenting with no conflict and no emotional connection of any kind is what I think my H wants out of "co-parenting."

Journaling all of that here has helped me clarify these thoughts so I can let go of any expectations I had of it being any different and I can accept and respect his decision.

[keep_going]

GM -
Thank you for stopping by. I read your thread regularly, although I don't post much and have followed your sitch from the get-go. I know I don't have to tell you, but you have come such a loooooong way from when you first posted... Your growth is amazing. Yes, life and some hard knocks and a tough reality helps us get there. You are right - it is what it is.

I still remember when you posted about your D's party and how you sat with OW and talked to her. I remember thinking - WOW... that is true grace and taking the high road. I know it wasn't easy for you to get there and your story is a source of inspiration for me because it helps me see that anything is all possible. I think deep down I know I will eventually get there with OW, but I certainly appreciate you reminding me that the timeline is not a short one, although 2+ years sometimes feels long to me.

Yes, I am not there but I think that really talking about all these issues and visualizing future scenarios will help me get there if not faster, in a more accepting and gracious way. (I hope - lol...)


Thanks for stopping by and congrats on your job change. No matter what comes next, you already took the first step, which is ending something that was not working for you.

[labug]

Yeah, peaceful parallel parenting with no conflict and no emotional connection of any kind is what I think my H wants out of "co-parenting." and he can have that, after all, you're not going to change him.

Maybe you start out now just tolerating each other but you never know what it will become. I'm not suggesting that it will be a love R but you may actually be co-parents some day in the future.

You only have to worry about today.

[JuneReN]

First of all, thank you KG for some perspective that has helped me with my own situation.

Secondly, I am moving into the same arena as you, except D13 is being told of H's GF next week, S16 knows.

I agree that maybe H is clueless about the dynamic he portrays in emails, my H is in the same place, cares about me, but not for me, if you know what I mean.

CoParenting should be met in middle. Perhaps you have to discuss that evenings nights weekends doesn't work for you and perhaps you guys can work out something together?

I am not ready to meet GF face to face either and H wants big look how we are as well. I just told him that the best I can be is neutral. I am lucky though, they are an hour away...:)

[keep_going]

Bug - You are right. Things can change and improve and nothing is written in stone. Thanks for bringing me down a notch. I do recognize my tendency to put things in catastrophic terms - lol...

IO - thanks for stopping by and your comments! Almost every time after I post, I wonder if I am being just so negative that I can be a downer for others. Unlike your posts - you are always postive and humorous and that is always uplifting to others (at least to me). So thank you for also bringing some perspective that helps me!


So in the spirit of lightening things up, I am posting about what IS working in my life (which is a lot).

Spring Break week has turned out great. Took the kids swimming on Monday, had a friend over for a playdate and took all the children for frozen yogurt on Tuesday. The house was a mess afterwards but the kids had a blast!

Yesterday we took our bikes to the park and my D4 finally learned to ride her tricycle! I think I was more excited than her - she had been refusing to even try for a long time and it all just came together yesterday. I am so proud and happy that I was there to teach both D5 and D4 to ride. IDK, I guess I just assumed it was more of a "father role" thing and that H would be the one to teach them. I am not the most patient person and I wasn't really "teaching" the right way, but she got it and I know I will remember these milestones forever and look forward for when it's time to teach S1!

We had a dress-up slumber party last night until the girls crashed in front of the TV watching The Fox and the Hound.

Our neighbor friends just came over and I am about to make quesadillas for everyone. Later today I will take the kids over to MIL's so they can have their first sleep-over with her ever. MIL is so excited and I am happy I was able to facilitate this for her. She is an amazing woman.

Tonight I am having dinner with a friend that I love dearly with whom I lost touch about 5 years ago. She contacted me a couple of weeks ago and we are finally meeting and catching up! She will be shocked by how different my life is, but she is a good friend with an amazing heart and I know it will all be fine and we will go back to where we were.

Tomorrow I'll take the kids to a botanical garden and Sunday we'll go swimming again. Monday is back to school and on Tuesday, H is back from his 10-day trip, so I will have some time w/o kids to catch up on cleaning, errands, do some yoga and get some GAL in with my family and BFF.

Anyways, thanks again to everyone for the support and have a great weekend!

[JuneReN]

Very very cool! I love it.
Gonna spend some quality time with D tonight and irrigate s's skateboarding wound now infected. Blech.
Seriously, I love that you posted the great stuff. It's silly but I love hearing the good stuff too! Makes me remember that this is a journey and we don't get to do it over again.

[bustingout]

Hi KG, I love reading your recent posts and how you are working through your angers and fears for yourself.

I have many similar concerns as you about parenting and co-parenting. This really hit home for me:

I am realizing more and more that even though our marital relationship is over, a successful co-parenting one will require much of the same work needed to fix or be successful in a M. We still need to listen, empathize, understand, compromise, validate, work as a team, find common ground, be kind and cooperative, be open, have good communication. At least that is my definition, but I think not my H's...

I guess I just don't see how if my H was not willing to make any further effort in those areas to fix our M, how he would do so for the sake of successful co-parenting. I don't think he will bring down his walls with me in order to achieve this, so I am very skeptical that we will be successful at it.

I could not have worded my feelings on this subject any better.

Thank you KG. You have given me more food for thought on my own behaviours and expectations.

Sending you my love. xxx

[keep_going]

It's been a couple of weeks since my last update.
I have gone back to re-read my threads. Gosh - I am so negative in my posts many times! But I do feel better. No waves, no arguments with H. Just polite, neighborly interactions during our 5-minute exchanges.

I feel like his trip to Thailand with OW was a turning point for me. It initially really shocked me that he would go on a 10-day vacation when we don't know how we'll pay the rent in June... My H has always been financially responsible and my only thought is that he must have something planned for himself already because he has seemed so calm about all of this with me. Either way, his trip made me finally realize and accept that I am on my own financially as well.

The day after he got back, he sent me the following email:
"I’ve made the decision that if I don’t have any real serious prospects for work by the end of the month, that I’m going to try to find a place to live with friends or family. I won’t be able to afford paying the rent for June, so I might as well give notice.
I don’t know what your plans are right now if you can’t pay your rent. I just hope it doesn’t come to that. It’s just looking more and more likely that we won’t have any money for June. :-( "


I have no choice now - he will not work with me to figure out together how to pay the bills until he finds a new job. I now have to go out and find a job so I can pay my rent next month and make sure my kids have a place to live. After my very first networking call I got a job lead, went on an initial and two follow-up interviews and I got a verbal offer two days ago. I am now negotiating the terms and benefits and I hope to get a written offer today or tomorrow.

I met with my lawyer and we drafted a document she will send to H's L today. It states that H will not seek alimony or support from me while I work and he is unemployed. It also states that he will still be responsible for 50% of the kids' expenses regardless of his employment status. The reasoning behind the doc is that if he doesn't help with the expenses, my salary won't be enough to cover everything, and if I am going to acquire more debt even when working, then I might as well stay home as I have done so far and at least be with my kids.

If H's initial claim is true, and he is only looking for 50/50 custody and no alimony, then he should be ok with those stipulations, because basically by me going back to work, I am practically giving up on 5-6 years of alimony... It's a good chunk of money to give up on, but I have no choice at this point. I need to pay my bills now - lol...

My L also suggested that since I have the most leverage and bargaining power before i go back to work, we should also include other things we'd like out of the divorce, which are for him to assume all the debt we are incurring at this point, for him to pay back 50% of the family assets/monies he has spent on personal entertainment (OW) since our separation and for him to pay for all my lawyer fees. These are more a long shot at this point, but this is the time to ask...

I sent my H an email this morning giving him a heads up about my decision to search for a job, even though it's not what I want to do, (didn't mention the potential offer) and gave him a heads-up about the doc.

He responded saying he was sorry and that he felt like a failure for not finding a job and asked if we could deal with the document w/o lawyers.

I replied telling him he is not a failure, that I believe in him and validated his fears and the pressure he is under. I also told him that this is not about the job search but that I am hurt because I feel like he basically has washed his hands and left it all up to me now to figure out alone how to support our kids or else they would be homeless in a month. I said that it made me feel like he just doesn't care what happens to them when they are with me, but that the important thing for me now is to figure how to support them. I also told him that I'd prefer for our L to deal with any D and related administrative issues directly and that I want our R to be about our kids.

He responded:
"I get that you're hurt, but I'm not sure why you feel hurt by me or how I can even help you. I'm not "leaving you to figure things out" or "washing my hands" of you. If I could help, I would. I just don't have any money. I've tried my best to solve the problem and find a job, but I'm failing at that."

I am not going to respond. I don't know how I can be more clear about why I feel hurt and abandoned and we won't get anywhere.

So that's it... The wheels are in motion. I failed at my #1 goal which was to stay with my kids for two or three more years, but then again I never thought my H would be unemployed for this long. I also realize that I am also helping speed up the D process, but that is not important anymore.

I am at peace knowing that this is what I need to do now and the kids and I will be fine. I also feel a deep sense of relief. Two years+ in limbo without any control over my own finances or being able to make any decisions about my life because I have no idea where I stand has been really tough. At least now I will be independent again, decide how and where I live, what I do and where I go. I can make plans for saving, vacation, kids' activities... I didn't realize before how much of my life and independence I had given up because I didn't want to rock the boat or speed up the D process.

As for my R with H, I am strangely at peace with all of this. I will not fight with him and I meant what I said. I will let my L deal with the negotiations - it's all a business transaction at this point. I will continue being nice and pleasant with H and focusing on just keeping things peaceful.

I am grateful that I have health, my kids and enough skills to go out there and work hard to take care of myself and my kids. I am also grateful that things are finally starting to take shape - one way or another.

[keep_going]

PS - I forgot to mention that my peaceful state of mind also has to do with what I have been learning lately about non-violent communication. It's been very revealing to me.

Bug - it relates to what you had been talking about recently - empathy... without empathy and compassion there cannot be forgiveness. Without them we cannot connect with each other.

I have been focusing on having empathy for myself and my H and I have found a lot of peace doing that. I will have to post more about it later - S1 just woke up from his nap.