Not confused...trying to move forward...

[BRNR]

Yep, the old boy needs to pick up a second job and try to arrange his schedule so that he can see his children.

And let's not forget OW too!!!

You can feel sorry for him, but do not allow that to soften your stance on support. Remain calm and collected when you are discussing finances w/him. This would be considered a business deal and should be dealt that way.

This I am trying to do. I practiced a little of what I would say, and how I would say it, etc...the calm and cool part I have together as he has said quite a few things in the past months where I should have blown up, but didn't, and honestly I surprised myself. But, the emotional aspect, I am concerned that will creep into the conversation.

I am really hoping he makes it easy for me one way or the other to proceed. IE., I am hoping he would say, "I am not giving you any money", or "I am filing for the divorce", or "I want to work things out" (well, really my hopes are not hoping on this one too much-at least not right now), but something very definitive and not confusing where I have to make a decision. It may sound like I am changing my stance, surely I am not, but I just almost want him to make my decision for me because of his actions.

I love him, and my end goal is for one day for him to want to return to our marriage again and be in love with me again. But I am losing my hope, more and more, every day. Some days I feel that this end is more real to him than actual MLC. Almost like it is me thinking he is in an MLC. Maybe he is sane and sure that he is no longer loves me. Honestly either way hurts, but maybe by me believing he is in a crisis, it almost gives me too much hope that he will realize his bad damaging behavior and come back to me.

So another hour of over-thinking about this way too much. But I am still trying to navigate myself through this whole mess, so I am trying not to be too hard on myself.

Tonight I have a few hours alone, because H will be picking up the boys, and I have decided that I will attend one of the "Divorce Care" classes. I spoke to the lady who is in charge of it, and she said that they do 2/3rds of the class as a group therapy type session and then the last part is topic oriented, whether it be about finances, dealing with anger, or legal aspects. She even said they offer child care (not that I need it, but I thought it was pretty cool), and they have a cafe with a decent menu, so if people don't have time to grab dinner before they get there, they can grab a bite to eat. So I am a little anxious as I have NEVER done anything of the sorts. I am hoping I can take away something from it. Even if it is just meeting new people who are experiencing my pain.