Sandi's tips vs bounderies

[JustStunned]

I imagine how people keep from being snarky is as varied as we all are. I and my contemporaries were where you are now.

It is difficult to see a way forward when one is in an emotive state. Our instincts do not lead us to a place where we can analyze and plan our way forward. I can only relate how I am going about it, FWIW.

I’m about 3 weeks shy of the one yr anniversary of our D. We don’t interact much anymore except if it is related to family, most notably our Granddaughter. Just b/c we are divorced doesn’t mean I do not have opportunities to attack and I find I sometimes need to place my energies elsewhere.

I go about this relying upon life lessons learned long ago.

I resolve how I will present myself and I will control myself. It get easier with each success.
Early on I resolved I would not break bearing. I would not give her additional justifications or satisfaction her entreaties to provoke me were successful. I viewed each of her interactions were structured for her gain. This person was no longer the person I loved. The person I loved was still in there and only came to the surface for the briefest of moments. Mostly I only see the person in crisis and she is not someone I wish to associate with.

I separate my emotions from the situation.
I went as dark as I could to give me space to heal and to regain control of myself. I detached and proved to myself I had worth, I was important; that I would thrive and be relevant no matter what. I GAL’ed. I still do. Endorphins and Omega 3s with a dash of adrenaline are my drugs of choice.

Along the way I gained something from this board that was very difficult to accept and put into practice. It was helpful to me. I cannot imagine it will be any easier for anyone else to accept particularly early on while the pain and the emotions are fresh. Again FWIW

I haven’t seen Starsky around and although I disagreed with him sometimes. I can respect what he was attempting to do when communicating this.

Google the “Stockdale Paradox”, and find the” Consider Yourself Dead (Band of Brothers).wmv” on U Tube. Try and relate what you find. You’ll know the right scene if it is the one where Lt. Speirs is explaining to Pvt. Blythe why he hid in a ditch.

What I got out of it.
From my X’s perspective our marriage was dead and had died an ugly death a long time ago. The hell I was going through was her end game justifying her decision to abandon our marriage. I needed to get to a place where I could accept the life I knew was over.

When I was finally able to accept this I was able to let go of the pain and emotions associated with it and begin to heal and move forward with my new life. I hoped of course to include her in this and propped the door open. I am not disappointed she chose to continue her path away, nor am I angry about it and this also helps me from being snarky these days. Tomorrow? Eh, we’ll see.