@darkhair - while there is no way to know "for sure" beyond a shadow of a doubt - there are signs that would indicate if she is cheating or not, especially if she is living at home. I think that gman himself is pretty sure that the affair is over, because he wrote in his first post "update on wifes 6 month affair from 3 years ago". i.e. he knows when it started and when it ended, and he is reasonably sure that his wife has not been cheating since the affair ended 3 years ago. otherwise he would have phrased this differently.
he is being vengeful and unforgiving, he specifically states: "it is in my opinion almost impossible to forgive the lies and hateful things that were said and done by her." but there are many people in this forum who have decided to forgive their wayward spouse and rebuild their relationship. forgiveness comes from a decision by the betrayed spouse to forgive - i.e. to look at the present and future and not remain fixated on the past. we can't change the past. we can only change the present and future.
he also says: "to this day she wants to act as if it never happened, she is embarrased by it but no one knows what she did and she wants to keep it that way." but that is not surprising in view of his unforgiving attitude.
my DB counsellor told me: "when asking your spouse questions about the past, act like a news reporter, asking questions in a neutral way and not getting upset at the answers, just gathering information." but I am sure that gman cannot bring himself to do this. probably when he asks her questions about her infidelity, he cannot refrain from going ballistic if she tells him anything about what happened; and he probably cannot refrain from phrasing the questions in a mean, accusing way.
now I agree that the behavior of any unfaithful spouse is deplorable; but if you want information about the past, you won't get it if you attack them when you are asking questions.
my advice for gman is, not to ask her questions about what she did in her infidelity, because it's pretty definite that he won't be able to handle the answers. the goal of asking questions about the infidelity is to give the unfaithful spouse an opportunity to say, basically: "yes, I hid this in the past, but now I am showing I am trustworthy by not hiding it any longer." however, if the betrayed spouse cannot handle the information - if this information makes him angrier rather than more reassured - then it is best NOT TO ASK ABOUT "WHAT SHE DID".
instead, though, as a trust-building question, he could ask about how she hid the infidelity. this needs to be asked in a reassuring way: "I promise I won't get angry at you for the past. In order to be able to put this behind us, I want to know how you hid the infidelity from me." and then he needs to keep that promise - to listen calmly, not show any anger, and not bring this up as an accusation at any time in the future.
he should ask just one question at a time, i.e., no more than one question a day, until he can show his wife that he won't get angry at her for answering the questions. when she feels confident that he won't go ballistic on her, she will be able to be more forthcoming with answers.
it should be noted that in many cases, i.e. if the betrayed spouse can't handle the unpleasant information, reconciliation is easier if the husband and wife just say: the past is the past, and from this day forward we will be faithful and loving, and rebuild our relationship. gman should consider the possibility of doing it this way.
