Mana, Mana! Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo! Part 2

[keep_going]

T -

I am so sorry you are stuggling today, but don't beat yourself up for where you are. Self-forgiveness is accepting of your past and where it led you to.

I can so relate to the self-consciousness you feel now that your pregnancy shows. All the things that would seem normal and quite welcome at this stage, become painful given our situations with our H. I also used to dread the comments and the "oh congratulations to both, H must be so happy to finally have the boy he wanted" etc. At the time only my closest family members and friends knew our sitch.

I didn't really want to give any explanations, get sympathy or make others feel awkward, so I kept silent and tried to avoid those social situations. Yet I admit it was a HUGE burden to carry. In a way I felt like I was enabling my H... IDK if I would do anything differently - I was just barely functioning and able to articulate a sentence w/o bursting into tears and I had to keep my composure, specially at work. So I protected myself the only way I could think of - by withdrawing socially from aquaintances, focusing on my little ones and finding refuge in those close ones who knew.

All this to just tell you to do whatever you need to protect yourself and try to keep up a PMA.

Re. your program groups, I like Bug's Idea of finding another home group if you can. I also would like to recommend going to CODA. Lots of AA, AlAnon and members of other recovery groups there. I have learned so much of my codependency relationships and behaviors there and why I am where I am today. You will feel right at home and yet be able to isolate your thoughts and behaviors apart from the alcohol use. After all, they were there before and some may probably still there post-sobriety...

As for your H, block him. His response to your email was just as immature and selfish as everyone of his actions so far. You don't need that in your life right now.

You are looking for a safe place? Create one in your mind and in your heart by protecting yourself from his issues - they are not yours. Enforce your boundaries and interact with him as little as possible until he learns to respect you. CODA helped me understand that.

(((((Tally)))))