After a long journey of nearly three years, my D will be finalized within the next few weeks. I did everything I did to save my marriage, and even though I wasn't successful, I learned and grew as a person.
I learned so much that I'm writing a book which I hope will help many others in similar situations.
Please keep me company as the date of my D nears.
My H is lost. He has started a R with a woman who is already giving him ultimatums if he sees me to do the taxes. He asked for my help before to tell him how he can be a better man and have more positive R.
I am angry at my H, but I'm still sending him love. What he's put into the universe will come back to him. That's the way things work. It's not in my hands to make sure he learns his lessons. He will. On his own. He's actually already learning...the hard way.
Tori If this is your last thread I hope you don't leave the boards. As you said you've learned a lot and you have a wealth of knowledge to pass forward. Keep us posted on how the book is going.
Stay strong through these last steps. Your life will be so much better after the healing is complete. If you want it you will make someone very lucky.
I'm glad you're still showing your H love even though you're angry. Karma can be an evil mistress, he'll get what he deserves.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I do want to share my life with someone, and I know that love is abundant and that I can participate in this abundance. Sometimes I fall into the trap of believing it's too late; that I will never find romantic love again...but then I remember what I've written in the book and shift my thinking.
Karma is real. Karma simply is the response of the Universe to what people put into it. My H is dominated by ego and hurting the people who love him the most along the way...He's aligning himself with pain. I do hope he awakens to the truth before he has to suffer a lot, but I can't control what he does, so I'll just let him be and learn his lessons...
Dear Tori, i was really sad to see that this might be your last thread. i really enjoy your posts and your example of how to get through this with grace and dignity and hope you hang around or drop by. i am near the end too of posting on my own thread and would hate to lose out on all the great people here who have helped me through, including you. ((((((((((((((((Tori)))))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Thank you, Grace! Once I'm done with this thread, I will definitely drop by. Plus I need to give you all updates on my book.
I feel blessed to have touched your life and the lives of many others on this site---One positive thing about our situations.
I met with my coach today. I was sad to say goodbye to her...it was our last session. Her recommendation was to change the dynamic of my R w my H by being friendly but not a friend, because I cannot be a friend to someone who is not a friend. He sees my H's attitude as narcissistic. He has not changed. When I said he was being nicer, she asked me how, because for what she heard he was just being "not mean." Which got me thinking. It's true. I've given so much to him and the best he can do is to be not nasty.
She said I must stop any attempts from him to use me for comfort or to ask me for help about being better in his R's, bec I'll be helping him with his R with the OW and future OW's. She said I should say I don't want to play that role anymore.
She said I should not acknowledge that we're meeting on our church wedding anniversary to do the taxes. The reason? He would not know what to say, and would ruin my memories and the sacredness of the day.
She said to keep the meeting purely business. No talk about the OW or about my life.
She said to not even mention my H to his family when I talk to them. She asked if they would ever call me if I didn't call them, and my answer was no. That got me thinking too. Should I keep being so nice and calling them? They always call me back but I doubt they would ever initiate contact.
Her message was that basically this is not a man I want to have in my life, and that by having any contact with him, I am doing a disservice to myself and to the R.
This stuff was hard to hear. I don't know. I am such a believer in offering love without expecting anything in return. I won't put my life on hold bc of him, and I will not hang on to hopes of reconciling with him, but I still want to offer love. I guess what she means is to not enable his taking advantage of me anymore. She says that I'm disrespecting myself by continuing to be nice and giving when he shows no sign of changing or giving anything in return.
She said I'm still attached to what my H thinks of me. I said it was true. I know it. I don't want to think he is angry at me.
She also said to not even hint that I care about him bc he does not reciprocate. H asked me last time we talked, "You still really care about me, don't you?" I said yes. But my coach told me that if I say yes, I'm putting myself in the position of the left-behind person. I'm perpetuating the imbalance in the R.
My H has behaved like a jerk (and saying the word jerk is an understatement.) But I can't pretend I don't care about him. I want to be myself, and who I am is love.
Any thoughts?
Our meeting is on Friday. I'll find it hard not to even mention what happened with the OW or my feelings. What feels right is to acknowledge the elephant in the room (i.e. sitch w OW) and then do the taxes. I am confused.
Tori, I think your coach is right-friendly but not friends. Set boundaries for yourself. At this point do what feels right FOR YOU. But, protect yourself too. Keeping the door open for your H to talk to you about OWs and other Rs is only going to hinder your movement forward and further detaching so you are ready for a new R down the road.
I was sad to see this may be your last thread too. But, it makes sense for where you are. Your support has meant the world to me. And, I do hope we will meet in person sooner than later. You are a person I would like to be friends with even after this DBing chapter in our lives!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Dear Tori- I am very sad to read that this is your last thread. Although I do understand your need to close this chapter of your life. You truly are an inspirational and loving person that I feel blessed to call my friend. You have given me sound advice, lifted me when I was down, and praised me when I took a step forward.
Your H is nothing short of a fool.
Good luck on Friday. Let it come to you... I know you will do what is best for you.
So much love to you.
((()))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
GTO and Busting, thank you! I'm leaving for the meeting with my H. Got all the tax docs. We also have to solve a new issue with the health insurance. The fun never ends. GTO, I would not give him R advice, but if he wants to be a better person, I'll help him. I don't want to withhold my wisdom/desire to help others. Busting, I'll do what I feel it's best. I doubt he'll bring up the OW. I also doubt he will acknowledge today is our church anniversary, so I won't mention it. I know he remembers, though. Wish me luck!
Ruby, thank you for the good wishes. I'm looking forward to Boston. Should we aim for July 13th? GTO, FY, thoughts? I don't know who else lives in the area.
Today was rough. We did very well working as a team to do the taxes, but then we had to work on the health insurance thing, so he had to call HR and COBRA and the insurance and no one knew the answer. He kept repeating the story about him getting D. He avoided saying the word Wife, so he would call me dependent and the operator asked if it was a child so it was so stressful. I was listening for an hour and by then, I was so stressed out I just wanted to leave. So he looked at me, and said, this is so stressful. I nodded. He asked, are you OK? I said no, and broke down. First time I do that since he moved out. I could not help it. So he started crying too and I felt like crying more. I told him that if he was happy then at least all the pain was worth it. He said that this is what he wanted. So it took us a little while to finish the insurance conversation, and we solved it. I sent all the papers to the L and we should be OK for the final court date on 4/12.
During lunch (prior to the insurance conversation,) he asked me what I thought about the OW being controlling. I said I would not comment on it and that he would figure things out (like my coach suggested.) He just said, yes. He also said he was trying to put himself in the OW's shoes and that her demands for him to have zero contact with me made sense to her but the way she was asking wasn't the best. First time I see him be so empathetic.
Something that hurt too is what he said about "people" telling him there is no incentive for me to make more money the way the agreement is written. I asked who had said that. He said his dad had been one of them. I'm not calling his dad anymore. He did the same thing to his wife anyway, when my H was only 7 years old. I will just stay in touch with my MIL and grandma.
